My short story

[Devil Girl]

Hei

I have written a short story recently so I am going to be a big brave girl and post it.

It is based in the Star Wars universe so there may be word and locations that you do not recognise but please read it and let me know what you think of it.

I also would really appreciate any constructive hints that you may have. Sadly the English that I was taught at school was not a good standard and until the last couple of years I have not thought about retaking my exams. So any help with improving my English and story writing skills would really be appreciated

Thank you in advance

I hope you like it





The hunter becomes the hunted

It had been a busy day, no make that a very busy day so it was late by the time Tasendia Renolsin made her way through the surprisingly deserted back streets to get home. Financial restrictions meant that she had to live in one of the seediest area in Coronet. This meant that she had to keep alert. Thankfully the skills that she had developed in her upbringing and as a bounty hunter helped her but the almost deserted streets put her even more on edge than normal.

She had been out gathering information on her latest bounty. She had to make sure that she did not fail, as this was her first job that had been offered to her personally rather than obtaining bounties from the open market. She had been gathering information and making preparations all day and was now exhausted. She could not let that show though, as you never know who is waiting in the shadows. She just wanted to get home as soon as possible, not just to get some much needed rest but to also to change clothes, the heavy rain from not long ago had meant that she was soaking wet.

She was only two blocks away from home when she heard someone following her. They were matching her pace for pace.

I have to protect my reputation…well create the right reputation she thought so that cuts out running as the last thing she wanted to as is scared. She rested her hand on her blaster, quickly checked around her before picking up her pace.

Whoever was following also picked up their pace. Her heart was now beginning to beat so loudly that it seamed that everyone would be able to hear it. She quickly checked over her shoulder again and could see no one following her before quickly getting back to concentrating on getting home as quickly as possible.

One block from home and she muttered to herself she must not become one of those one block from home deaths. She again checked to see if she could see who was following her. While she could see a few others now there was no one that looked suspicious…well actually everyone looked suspicious but there seemed to be no one that was following her. She picked up her pace…that then prompted whoever was following her to do the same.

She had eventually managed to get to the last corner and she could now thankfully see the apartment block where she stayed. She put on a last quick burst before she got to the doorway. She fumbled slightly with the door before she managed to get in. Her adrenaline was now pumping as she quickly shut the door and looked around to check what she could see. Once again she saw nothing too suspicious. She decided that rather than wait for the turbolift she just wanted to get to her apartment as soon as possible so she bounded up the stairs as quickly as possible. It was when she did that that her guts turned to ice. They had managed to follow her, how the heck did they manage that, she was careful. There was no way that anyone could have got in.

She ran for her apartment door, swiftly punched the code in before shoving the door open and shutting it as quickly as possible. She scanned the room and listened intently as she checked the noises coming from the other apartments and from outside, she strained as she tried to catch anything out of the ordinary. By this point her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest and she was slightly out of breath from running up the stairs. I really need to work on my fitness she thought to herself.

It was only after a few minutes she felt safe enough to lower her guard slightly as she walked across her apartment to brew herself a very strong cup of caf when she heard it again.

She instantly froze to the spot when she realised that whoever had followed her had somehow managed to get into her apartment. She snapped up her blaster in an instant ready to aim at whoever had followed her.

‘Who the fierfek are you? You had better show your face as I have had enough of you skulking in the shadows’

Once again there was an eerie silence. After a moment she dared make a move to face where she thought she had heard the movement. Like the time before as soon as she moved she heard them move again.

‘You are going to regret this’ she growled as she spun around looking for her target.

There was something about the noise that was made when she spun around which was when she realised who had been following her…or rather who it was not. Her face flushed as she slapped her hand to her head when she realised it was not in fact anyone that was following her but it was the insides of her wet combat trousers rubbing against each other.

She suddenly laughed in embarrassed relief as she headed over to brew herself a caf as well as a strong whiskey to go with it. She through to herself that while it is good to keep on the alert there are times when it can work against you. Thankfully this time it was a rather painless lesson to learn.

At least tomorrow when she goes after her bounty she will once again be the hunter.

[elderflower]

Hi. I really liked your story - very good build up of tension!

Your English is actually pretty good - I wouldn't say you have that much to worry about. Your spelling is fine; perhaps a few adjustments to the punctuation?

The simplest way for me to make my suggestions was to copy and paste your story, then make some adjustments to the punctuation, and a few to the text, which I thought might possibly sound better. I hope that's okay by you. I haven't altered any of the sense, I don't think. Anyway, they are only suggestions!
Anyway, here are my suggested adjustments:

*****************************************

The hunter becomes the hunted

It had been a busy day; no make that a very busy day. So it was late by the time Tasendia Renolsin made her way through the surprisingly deserted back streets to get home. Financial restrictions meant that she had to live in one of the seediest area in Coronet. This meant that she had to keep alert. Thankfully, the skills that she had developed in her upbringing, and as a bounty hunter, helped her, but the almost deserted streets put her even more on edge than normal.

She had been out gathering information on her latest bounty. She had to make sure that she did not fail, as this was her first job that had been offered to her personally, rather than obtaining bounties from the open market. She had been gathering information and making preparations all day, and was now exhausted. She could not let that show though, as you never know who is waiting in the shadows. She just wanted to get home as soon as possible, not just to get some much needed rest but to also to change clothes; the heavy rain from not long ago had meant that she was soaking wet.

She was only two blocks away from home when she heard someone following her. They were matching her pace for pace.

I have to protect my reputation…well, create the right reputation, she thought, so that cut out running, as the last thing she wanted to appear was scared. She rested her hand on her blaster, quickly checking around her, before picking up her pace.

Whoever was following also picked up their pace. Her heart was now beginning to beat so loudly that it seemed that everyone would be able to hear it. She quickly checked over her shoulder again, checking that no one was following her, then concentrated on getting home as quickly as possible.

One block from home, and she muttered to herself, she must not become one of those one block from home deaths. She checked again to see if she could see who was following her. While she could see a few others, there was no one that looked suspicious. Well, actually, everyone looked suspicious, but there didn't seem to be anyone that was following her. She picked up her pace…which then prompted whoever was following her, to do the same.

She had eventually managed to get to the last corner and could now, thankfully, see the apartment block where she stayed. She put on a last quick burst before she got to the doorway. She fumbled slightly with the door before managing to get in. Her adrenaline was now pumping, as she quickly shut the door and looked around to check what she could see. Once again, she saw nothing too suspicious. She decided that, rather than wait for the turbolift, she just wanted to get to her apartment as soon as possible, so she bounded up the stairs as quickly as possible. It was then that her guts turned to ice. They had managed to follow her. How the heck did they manage that; she had been careful. There was no way that anyone could have got in.

She ran for her apartment door and swiftly punched the code in, before shoving the door open and shutting it as quickly as possible. She scanned the room and listened intently as she checked the noises coming from the other apartments and from outside. She strained as she tried to catch anything out of the ordinary. By this point her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest, and she was slightly out of breath from running up the stairs. I really need to work on my fitness, she thought to herself.

It was only after a few minutes that she felt safe enough to lower her guard slightly. She walked across her apartment to brew herself a very strong cup of caf, when she heard it again.

She instantly froze to the spot when she realised that whoever had followed her had somehow managed to get into her apartment. She snapped up her blaster in an instant, ready to aim at whoever had followed her.

‘Who the fierfek are you? You had better show your face. I've had enough of you skulking in the shadows.’

Once again there was an eerie silence. After a moment, she dared make a move, to face where she thought she had heard the movement. Like the time before, as soon as she moved, she heard them move again.

‘You are going to regret this’ she growled, as she spun around looking for her target.

There was something about the noise that was made when she spun around which made her realise who had been following her…or perhaps not. Her face flushed. She slapped her hand to her head as she realised it was not in fact anyone that was following her, but the insides of her wet combat trousers, rubbing against each other.

She suddenly laughed in embarrassed relief, as she headed over to brew herself a caf, as well as a strong whiskey to go with it. She thought to herself, that, while it is good to keep on the alert, there are times when it can work against you. Thankfully, this time it was a rather painless lesson to learn.

At least tomorrow, when she goes after her bounty, she will once again be the hunter.

************************************************** ************

Well, there it is - just how I, personally, would write it. Feel free to take any of it on board - or not.

Good luck with your writing!

- EF. x

[Devil Girl]

Thank you very much

They are great tips I see what you mean

Thank you again that has really helped

[Devil Girl]

I have managed to edit the story this lunch so here it is





The hunter becomes the hunted


It had been a busy day; no make that a very busy day. So it was late by the time Tasendia Renolsin made her way through the surprisingly deserted back streets to get home. Financial restrictions meant that she had to live in one of the seediest area in Coronet. This meant that she had to keep alert. Thankfully, the skills that she had developed in her upbringing and as a bounty hunter helped her, but the almost deserted streets put her even more on edge than normal.

She had been out gathering information on her latest bounty. She had to make sure that she did not fail, as this was her first job that had been offered to her personally, rather than obtaining bounties from the open market. She had been gathering information and making preparations all day, and was now exhausted. She could not let that show though, as you never know who is waiting in the shadows. She just wanted to get home as soon as possible, not just to get some much needed rest but to also to change clothes; the heavy rain from not long ago had meant that she was soaking wet.

She was only two blocks away from home when she heard someone following her. They were matching her pace for pace.

I have to protect my reputation…well, create the right reputation she thought. So that cut out running as the last thing she wanted to look was scared. She rested her hand on her blaster, quickly checked around her, before picking up her pace.

Whoever was following also picked up their pace. Her heart was now beginning to beat so loudly that it seamed that everyone would be able to hear it. She quickly checked over her shoulder again and could see no one following her before quickly getting back to concentrating on getting home as quickly as possible.

One block from home, she muttered to herself that she must not become one of those one block from home deaths. She again checked to see if she could see who was following her. While she could see a few others now there was no one that looked suspicious. Well actually, everyone looked suspicious, but there seemed to be no one that was following her. She picked up her pace…that then prompted whoever was following her to do the same.

She had eventually managed to get to the last corner and she could now thankfully see the apartment block where she stayed. She put on a last quick burst before she got to the doorway. She fumbled slightly with the door before she managed to get in. Her adrenaline was now pumping as she quickly shut the door and looked around to check what she could see. Once again she saw nothing too suspicious. She decided that rather than wait for the turbolift, she just wanted to get to her apartment as soon as possible, so she bounded up the stairs as quickly as possible. It was when she did that that her guts turned to ice. They had managed to follow her, how the heck did they manage that; she had been careful. There was no way that anyone could have got in.

She ran for her apartment door, swiftly punched the code in, before shoving the door open and shutting it as quickly as possible. She scanned the room and listened intently as she checked the noises coming from the other apartments and from outside, she strained as she tried to catch anything out of the ordinary. By this point her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest, and she was slightly out of breath from running up the stairs. I really need to work on my fitness, she thought to herself.

It was only after a few minutes she felt safe enough to lower her guard slightly. It was as soon as she walked across her apartment to brew herself a very strong cup of caf, that she heard it again.

She instantly froze to the spot when she realised that whoever had followed her had somehow managed to get into her apartment. She snapped up her blaster in an instant, ready to aim at whoever had followed her.

‘Who the fierfek are you? You had better show your face as I have had enough of you skulking in the shadows’ she shouted out.

Once again there was an eerie silence. After a moment she dared make a move, to face where she thought she had heard the movement. Like the time before, as soon as she moved, she heard them move again.

‘You are going to regret this’ she growled as she spun around looking for her target.

There was something about the noise that was made when she spun around which was when she realised who had been following her, or rather who wasn’t. Her face flushed. She slapped her hand to her head as she realised it was not in fact anyone that was following her, but the insides of her wet combat trousers, rubbing against each other.

She suddenly laughed in embarrassed relief, as she headed over to brew herself a caf, as well as a strong whiskey to go with it. She thought to herself, while it is good to keep alert, there are times when it can work against you. Thankfully this time it had been a rather painless lesson to learn.

At least tomorrow, when she goes after her bounty, she will once again be the hunter.

[elderflower]

Glad I could be of some help. Punctuation isn't set in stone, though - I find it a case of judging what looks "right" on the page, or sounds so when read aloud IYSWIM. I still wonder if my poem, "Billy", should have more punctuation in it than it currently does. Verse is particularly difficult to judge, I think.
Just as well I'm just doing this for myself, and not looking to publish. As if.

[Devil Girl]

You did help

I think what I will have to do is when I get a printer I will be able to print it out and then read it aloud to get a better idea

I have not had a chance to read it yet (I will before I crash as I really have to wash the dishes)

That was one of the reasons that I posted the story as there is only so much that you can notice that needs editing so that is when getting a fresh pair of eyes to check over is funky

[Narcissa Malfoy]

Oh Dev - I just love it!

Well done to you rawk sista!

[Tinkle]

OOhh I really enjoyed that read, Thank you.

[Devil Girl]

Awe thank you very much