Kids but not married?

**Puddser** · 02-05-2007, 01:47pm

How many of you have kids but are not married and does it bother you?

Me and DH were talking about this recently. We've cancelled our wedding and have no intention of getting married for a good few years (we may even decided not to at all) but we do both want kids in the next few years. My parents are slightly old fashioned in their beliefs in that I know they would not be happy if we are not married first. OH's mother doesn't care as most of her children have had babies outside of wedlock. I said to DH that my parents would be very dissapointed and upset and his reaction was

What's it got to do with them? Now I know it's none of their business really, I'm 28 and DH is 30 and chances are I will be at least 30 before we have a baby. We own our own home and we are engaged (even if it will be a very long engagement

) I just know that they will be upset if we have the baby first. Should it bother me? It doesn't make a big difference to me if we are married or not first but it will to them and I'm sure my sisters will have an opinion on it as well

I wouldn't want them to hold it against any potention grandchildren. We are irish catholic and kids outside of wedlock is very much frowned upon in my family

Did anyone else deliberatley have kids first and if so why? Is it a big issue in this day and age?

**cherry fizz** · 02-05-2007, 01:51pm

It's a big as an issue as your parents want to make it. In general, no I don't think it's a big deal - you're in a committed relationship.

If you thik they would genuinely hold it against your grandchildren, you could have a small civil ceremony - but I suppose if they are catholic that might be as bad.

Honestly, no offence to anyone here with religious beliefs, but sometimes actual religious dogma has a lot to answer for.

**Moffgal** · 02-05-2007, 01:54pm

It's only an issue if you make it one IMHO.

You guys know you want to be together, know you want to have/be a family. Did you cancel your wedding because you decided it just wasn't important, not what you really wanted? Ignore if you don't want to answer that!

Families come in all sorts of different packages these days and as long as children are born out of love and into a caring environment then thats the main thing.

**She-Ra** · 02-05-2007, 01:57pm

Originally Posted by Moffgal

Families come in all sorts of different packages these days and as long as children are born out of love and into a caring environment then thats the main thing.

The only real thing that would bother me would be that I didnt have the same name as my kiddies, but it woulnt really matter.

**~Twiggy~** · 02-05-2007, 01:58pm

We have J and we are not married. No intention of getting married either.
People asked us if we would marry when I was pregnant. I said no. And they spout all this stuff about security. Yeah right. A band of Gold solves all those issues.

We have been together for thirteen years now and if we can get through all those years and then have a child that is a commitment!

**Puddser** · 02-05-2007, 01:58pm

Originally Posted by Moffgal

It's only an issue if you make it one IMHO.

You guys know you want to be together, know you want to have/be a family. Did you cancel your wedding because you decided it just wasn't important, not what you really wanted? Ignore if you don't want to answer that!

Families come in all sorts of different packages these days and as long as children are born out of love and into a caring environment then thats the main thing.

We cancelled it because we felt it was putting too much pressure on us and it just wasn't something we wanted to do. That could chance in a few years time but I doubt it.

I know it's stupid but there is still a stigma in my family about it. All my sisters did it the right way around as far as my parents are concerned and if I go against the grain I know they won't even be happy for us if we did every anounce a pregnancy

**Hellina** · 02-05-2007, 02:00pm

we got married when i was pg with matt. we had a few reasons, mostly because we were planning to anyway and we knew that once we had a baby we'd never ever get round to it or be able to afford it. plus there was no way either of us wanted him to have a different surname to one of us.
my mother was a bit sad we didn't do the catholic wedding thing but we just didn't want to

**Frogslie** · 02-05-2007, 02:01pm

We are not married and might tie the knot one day but I'm not fussed. We were engaged 11 years ago but ended up splitting up and cancelled the wedding. When we got back together neither of us was in a hurry to rebook and my parents were all like

about the whole thing as of course, what did people think about us cancelling the wedding blah blah??? I fell pregnant (planned) with our first child a few months later and so we decided to have our family first.

We discuss getting married every now and again but can't be bothered - we both have businesses to run and are saving for another house now we've moved and we can't afford everything. It wouldn't make any difference to us. The kids have OH's surname, he has parental rights over them (DS1 through our wills, DS2 as he is on the birth cert after the law changed in 2003).

Now my parents - non religious - were APPALLED at us having a child out of wedlock, especially so young (I was 20 and OH 22). They were not very supportive or happy until I got bigger and bigger and then the baby became real and they saw that OH was supporting us financially and emotionally (he was unemployed when we met, after finishing college). OH's parents - pretty religious Baptists - were thrilled... go figure

I see where your parents are coming from, obviously the Catholic thing is very different from my own upbringing and POV but I think that families are there to support and help each other, not to disapprove and judge. TBH if I cared about my parents' disapproval any more, I wouldn't do ANYTHING - at first they didn't like me getting pregnant the first time, or the second, third, blah blah all the way to the seventh which was my second live baby, they didn't like OH leaving a permanent job to go freelance, twice in his career and what he does now, they didn't like me deciding to Home Ed my children or do some of the other stuff I do. But it's my life - and your is YOUR life - and what fels right and proepr to you is important.

Just remember this when your kids do stuff you are all

about though, I'm hoping the karma won't come back to bite me!!!

**Puddser** · 02-05-2007, 02:10pm

Thanks for everyone's replies

I'm probably getting a bit ahead of myself anyway with the whole baby thing. Although if DH asked me to have one tomorrow I would jump straight on him!