Kids but not married?

**Puddser** · 02-05-2007, 01:47pm

How many of you have kids but are not married and does it bother you?

Me and DH were talking about this recently. We've cancelled our wedding and have no intention of getting married for a good few years (we may even decided not to at all) but we do both want kids in the next few years. My parents are slightly old fashioned in their beliefs in that I know they would not be happy if we are not married first. OH's mother doesn't care as most of her children have had babies outside of wedlock. I said to DH that my parents would be very dissapointed and upset and his reaction was

What's it got to do with them? Now I know it's none of their business really, I'm 28 and DH is 30 and chances are I will be at least 30 before we have a baby. We own our own home and we are engaged (even if it will be a very long engagement

) I just know that they will be upset if we have the baby first. Should it bother me? It doesn't make a big difference to me if we are married or not first but it will to them and I'm sure my sisters will have an opinion on it as well

I wouldn't want them to hold it against any potention grandchildren. We are irish catholic and kids outside of wedlock is very much frowned upon in my family

Did anyone else deliberatley have kids first and if so why? Is it a big issue in this day and age?

**cherry fizz** · 02-05-2007, 01:51pm

It's a big as an issue as your parents want to make it. In general, no I don't think it's a big deal - you're in a committed relationship.

If you thik they would genuinely hold it against your grandchildren, you could have a small civil ceremony - but I suppose if they are catholic that might be as bad.

Honestly, no offence to anyone here with religious beliefs, but sometimes actual religious dogma has a lot to answer for.

**Moffgal** · 02-05-2007, 01:54pm

It's only an issue if you make it one IMHO.

You guys know you want to be together, know you want to have/be a family. Did you cancel your wedding because you decided it just wasn't important, not what you really wanted? Ignore if you don't want to answer that!

Families come in all sorts of different packages these days and as long as children are born out of love and into a caring environment then thats the main thing.

**She-Ra** · 02-05-2007, 01:57pm

Originally Posted by Moffgal

Families come in all sorts of different packages these days and as long as children are born out of love and into a caring environment then thats the main thing.

The only real thing that would bother me would be that I didnt have the same name as my kiddies, but it woulnt really matter.

**~Twiggy~** · 02-05-2007, 01:58pm

We have J and we are not married. No intention of getting married either.
People asked us if we would marry when I was pregnant. I said no. And they spout all this stuff about security. Yeah right. A band of Gold solves all those issues.

We have been together for thirteen years now and if we can get through all those years and then have a child that is a commitment!

**Puddser** · 02-05-2007, 01:58pm

Originally Posted by Moffgal

It's only an issue if you make it one IMHO.

You guys know you want to be together, know you want to have/be a family. Did you cancel your wedding because you decided it just wasn't important, not what you really wanted? Ignore if you don't want to answer that!

Families come in all sorts of different packages these days and as long as children are born out of love and into a caring environment then thats the main thing.

We cancelled it because we felt it was putting too much pressure on us and it just wasn't something we wanted to do. That could chance in a few years time but I doubt it.

I know it's stupid but there is still a stigma in my family about it. All my sisters did it the right way around as far as my parents are concerned and if I go against the grain I know they won't even be happy for us if we did every anounce a pregnancy

**Hellina** · 02-05-2007, 02:00pm

we got married when i was pg with matt. we had a few reasons, mostly because we were planning to anyway and we knew that once we had a baby we'd never ever get round to it or be able to afford it. plus there was no way either of us wanted him to have a different surname to one of us.
my mother was a bit sad we didn't do the catholic wedding thing but we just didn't want to

**Frogslie** · 02-05-2007, 02:01pm

We are not married and might tie the knot one day but I'm not fussed. We were engaged 11 years ago but ended up splitting up and cancelled the wedding. When we got back together neither of us was in a hurry to rebook and my parents were all like

about the whole thing as of course, what did people think about us cancelling the wedding blah blah??? I fell pregnant (planned) with our first child a few months later and so we decided to have our family first.

We discuss getting married every now and again but can't be bothered - we both have businesses to run and are saving for another house now we've moved and we can't afford everything. It wouldn't make any difference to us. The kids have OH's surname, he has parental rights over them (DS1 through our wills, DS2 as he is on the birth cert after the law changed in 2003).

Now my parents - non religious - were APPALLED at us having a child out of wedlock, especially so young (I was 20 and OH 22). They were not very supportive or happy until I got bigger and bigger and then the baby became real and they saw that OH was supporting us financially and emotionally (he was unemployed when we met, after finishing college). OH's parents - pretty religious Baptists - were thrilled... go figure

I see where your parents are coming from, obviously the Catholic thing is very different from my own upbringing and POV but I think that families are there to support and help each other, not to disapprove and judge. TBH if I cared about my parents' disapproval any more, I wouldn't do ANYTHING - at first they didn't like me getting pregnant the first time, or the second, third, blah blah all the way to the seventh which was my second live baby, they didn't like OH leaving a permanent job to go freelance, twice in his career and what he does now, they didn't like me deciding to Home Ed my children or do some of the other stuff I do. But it's my life - and your is YOUR life - and what fels right and proepr to you is important.

Just remember this when your kids do stuff you are all

about though, I'm hoping the karma won't come back to bite me!!!

**Puddser** · 02-05-2007, 02:10pm

Thanks for everyone's replies

I'm probably getting a bit ahead of myself anyway with the whole baby thing. Although if DH asked me to have one tomorrow I would jump straight on him!

**Fitmonkey** · 02-05-2007, 02:11pm

OH and I have been together 14 years this October, engaged for 5 years (I think

) and have 2 kids with no plans at the moment to actually tie the knot.

**Biba** · 02-05-2007, 02:13pm

I have been with OH for 11 years living together for 3 he knew I wanted to get married and have kids he never did for a long time and then it just clicked for him and we moved in together. He wanted to have a baby first so that’s what we did and now we are getting married. I agree that as long as you are a loving and committed couple then getting married before having children or at all come to that doesn’t really make and difference.

You two have to do what is right for you and at the end of the day it wouldn’t make your parents love your children any less than any of their other grandchildren.

**Mad Madam Mim** · 02-05-2007, 02:25pm

We are not married and have one child and another on the way

. I think I can see your point as my mother's family are Irish Catholic. My Granny lives in Ireland and lives a very Catholic church orientated life, frequent mass and confessions.

When I first got pregnant my mother wouldn't tell her for ages which made me a bit

but she was ill so I let it be, although I did say she'll have to find out some day. Now she was a little miffed by the fact I was unmarried when she found out but once Dylan was born all this was over ridden by love of her great grandchild. Now please bear in mnd this is a woman very entrenched in her religious beliefs, but it's amazing what love of a new family baby or little child can overcome.

My point is that your parents may huff a little over it but the chances are they would be so thrilled by thier grandchild that this love would overcome any prejudice.

As people say families are all different these days and that is a fact of modern society, the committment of buying a house together, and having a child when you are committed is a good committment and they *may* come round to that fact. I think you should live your life how YOU want to live it. If it bothers you, get married if it bothers you that your parents mind then you may want to think about marriage too but if it really doesn't matter to you and you feel committed enough then the chances are they would come round (if my Granny can anyone can - trust me on this!). As Moffgal says it is the caring environment which counts.

**donna-j** · 02-05-2007, 02:33pm

We're not married and have Thomas. I do have an engagement ring, that resides almost permanently in my jewellery box, but that's as far as it goes.

As my friends are now all starting to get divorced, marriage seems to be all a fuss over nothing IMHO, although I know I annoy married people with that opinion.

At the end of the day the only difference in our relationship is that we haven't forked out mega-bucks for a fancy show-off party.

**Chocolate Lips** · 02-05-2007, 02:37pm

We are not married and have Isabel and another on the way. It was a concious decision to do things this way around.

We will get married at some point (though we are not engaged) but at the time of deciding it was more pressing to have children than to get married. We knew if we made the decision to get married it would push kids back 3-4 years and OH wanted to have them before he got old

He was 34 when Isabel was born (I was 26).

It wasn't an issue for either of our parents who were just generally pleased we were getting on with our lives and excited to have a grandchild.

We did get asked a zillion times by people "are you getting married then" and I was like "erm this isn't 1956 or something" and why on earth would I want to get married with a bump! Noone has ever asked again.

My OH was concerned that I would need more commitment from him before having a baby but to be honest I see having a child together as far bigger a commitment than getting married.

**Posie** · 02-05-2007, 03:23pm

We've been together 12 years, and we have one child and we're not married.

I thought I wanted to be married before I had kids, but when my broodiness hit me all marriage thoughts went flying out the window!! OH isn't mad keen on marriage and I realised I only wanted to get married because I thought it was something we should do. Rather than it being something I necessarily wanted to do...ifswim?

I do get the odd comment when people realise Lily and I have different surnames - but I just reply that I'm thoroughly enjoying 'living in sin!' That usually shuts them up...

As everyone else says...do what YOU want to do, and the people who matter won't care...

**ChelseaHarvey** · 02-05-2007, 03:59pm

I have 1 child and am not married. Im 23 have been enaged for 7 years but there is no talks or marraige yet and im not to fussed either about the whole thing i just dont like having a different surname as alfie & dean

**jubiedoo16** · 02-05-2007, 04:08pm

We had isobel and decided to have her despite not being engaged or married. TBH we were in the process of buying a new house and wanted to start trying and couldnt afford to do it all, and i would MUCH rather have isobel than be married and imo buying a house and chosing to have a baby is more commitment than having a wedding.

Having said that i do want to be married at some point (so we all have the same name really and i want a sparkly ring

)and know we will be but will be 3/4 years away before we can save up and we didnt want to wait that long to have children, i want to be having my second in my early thirties and im 28 this year so needed to get on with it

**Puddser** · 02-05-2007, 04:12pm

Originally Posted by jubiedoo16

We had isobel and decided to have her despite not being engaged or married. TBH we were in the process of buying a new house and wanted to start trying and couldnt afford to do it all, and i would MUCH rather have isobel than be married and imo buying a house and chosing to have a baby is more commitment than having a wedding.

Having said that i do want to be married at some point (so we all have the same name really and i want a sparkly ring

)and know we will be but will be 3/4 years away before we can save up and we didnt want to wait that long to have children, i want to be having my second in my early thirties and im 28 this year so needed to get on with it

I'm 28 in September! Maybe I just get on with it as well

Micah · 02-05-2007, 04:18pm

Originally Posted by Mad Madam Mim

When I first got pregnant my mother wouldn't tell her for ages which made me a bit

but she was ill so I let it be, although I did say she'll have to find out some day. Now she was a little miffed by the fact I was unmarried when she found out but once Dylan was born all this was over ridden by love of her great grandchild. Now please bear in mnd this is a woman very entrenched in her religious beliefs, but it's amazing what love of a new family baby or little child can overcome.

WSS

I think you'll find attitudes may change once the grandchild is here, although you might have to put up with a fair bit of nagging

I am married but don't wear a ring and haven't changed my surname, and I still get nagged in case people think we aren't married

. I think I'm a bit stubborn and like thumbing my nose at people that shallow

Anyway I come from a very irish catholic background on my dads side and english protestant on my mums. All hell let loose when those two decided to get married but there was a swift about turn when I came along, and suddenly there was a child to coo over

I got married when pregnant - I deliberately got pg first so there'd be less fuss and we could get married quickly and quietly with no complaints from family

.

**Puddser** · 02-05-2007, 04:22pm

Originally Posted by Micah

Anyway I come from a very irish catholic background on my dads side and english protestant on my mums. All hell let loose when those two decided to get married but there was a swift about turn when I came along, and suddenly there was a child to coo over

My BIL is English but he is an atheist, I don't know how my parents would have reacted if he was protestant!