Yet another mother rant.

**Hanie** · 31-10-2006, 12:10am

Not sure were to start with this one. My mum and I are really close and have always had a good relationship. She comes to my house most days and is always happy to mind the kids. She's forever buying clothes for them and me, and has even bought me food shopping and paid my bills in the past when I've been short of money (which unfortunately is quite often

).

Before I mention my dilemma I'll tell what happened in similar circumstances when Katie was born. My mum was there with me and DH for Katie's birth. And was round every day after she was born. Now I've always listened and usually follow my mum's advice. When Katie was born she was forever telling me how to do this and that and being a first time mum I listaned and usually followed. But then she would critisise DH in the ways he was doing things with the baby from how to make the bottles, how to hold her to how to get her to sleep etc. She would say well I know because I've had 2 of my own. Now DH already had SD at this point so did know what he was doing. It got to the point were it almost felt like she thought she was the parent not DH and that she should have more input than him. They fell out over it and there relationship has only really got back to normal in the past year or so. Also my mum would babysit Katie and so would my sister and her then boyfriend. My mum would say to me they don't really know what their doing really so in the end she was the only one who babysat Katie. I think she was jealous TBH. It's sad because now Katie is older my sister would like to take Katie out on her own but can't cos Katie is so clingy. Katie doesn't really like my mum now, she hates it when we leave her with her (although we do frequently) don't get me wrong my mum looks after her properly but she kind of forces her affection on her and demands Katie's attention which just makes Katie go the opposite way. She also critisised SD a lot (she was 10 at the time) about the way she held/fed the baby etc. so much so that I basically stopped her from holding her. I think my mum was jealous of anyone but her or me being with the baby

which is ironic because now it's backfired and Katie won't really go near her.

Well now Hannah is 6 weeks old and it's starting to happen again. Little snide comments about DH's abilities and the way he does things, and the same with SD. Comments like the other day I took Katie the HV and left Hannah with DH my mum came with me. DH phoned me to tell me he was in town with SD and Hannah. My mum said "Oh that's her that getting him to take her to town" meaning SD. And should he really be taking her to town meaning DH. She actually seems more jealous this time around IYSWIM even jealous of me

. In the past 2 weeks she has stayed over twice and had Hannah downstairs so I can get some sleep. Now Hannah gets wind a bit (as do most babies) and we've found (well actually DH did) that if we heat the bottle up a little it seems to help her get the wind up more. So I told my mum this when she stayed and both times she didn't heat the bottles up. So I let it lie. But then last Thursday she babysat both the kids while we went the pictures. When we got back she was feeding Hannah. She said "She's riddled with wind she's in loads of pain,". Now I've never seen Hannah in loads of pain with wind let alone riddled with it. So I asked if she'd heated up the bottles she gave her. she replied no she hadn't. I said well thats why shes got wind then. To which she just gave me a sly smirk.

Now I can see it all starting again and I'm not prepared to let her do it this time. As for one she seems to think she's more experienced than me and DH well he's got 3 and I'm on my 2nd now. I know what I'm doing this time around I can see the mistakes I made with Katie and I want to do it differently. So after this I was a bit annoyed, she went home and then text me later on asking if she'd upset me I just replied that I was a bit annoyed she hadn't heated the bottles up thats all.

So I haven't seen her since last Thursday, I saw my sister over the weekend and she said my mum had said I'd sent her a nasty text saying she was out of order the way she never heated the bottles up and IF I let her mind Hannah again she would do it my way. Well i never said anything of th sort. So now my mum is spouting lies about me too. She was supposed to be staying tonight and having Hannah downstairs again, but we got into a bit of an argument (in texts ) this morning and now she's not. Although in the argument she was saying I'd not told her things when Ishe knew I had etc. I never mentioned I knew what she'd said to my sister. It's almost as if she's losing it a bit. She's saying I've said things when I haven't and she's insanely jealous of anyone around Hannah. I'm a bit worried TBH.

Don't really know were to go from here with her. I don't want us to fall out but at the same time I'm not going to let her interfere this time. She has a habit of interfereing and making me feel guilty. Like for instance I don't have any friends (have lost touch with most of them) and she actually likes it like this. I got in touch with an old school friend last year we just email each other but she kept saying bad things about her until in the end I just stopped mentioning I emailed her. And in the near future I'm supposed to be meeting up with a few Liverpool damsels and I told her about it. She kept trying to put me off. It's like she wants me to just have her. Which is a bit scary because this is actually what my nan has done to her and she moans to me about it all the time, yet she can't see that she's doing the same thing.

I just don't know what to do TBH she sounds really bad from all the stuff I've put her but she's not. She's always been there for me when I've gone through bad times (she was especially good after I had the miscarriage) has never refused to look after Katie, she always bails me out when I need her too. But in the past because she has been this good I have never said anything about the other stuff. but now I just can't keep on with it I have to stop it because I feel like she's trapping me IFYSWIM?

Sorry for the MAMMOTH post I just needed to vent really not sure which way to go with it all.

**Hanie** · 31-10-2006, 10:51am

Anyone got any advice???

**DKNI** · 31-10-2006, 11:10am

Couldn't read and not post but I am afraid I do not have that much advice for you.

It does sound like your mum is jealous, she relished in the fact that you have always 'needed' her to help you out and then when you had a baby she kind of took it as hers as well.

It is unfair of her picking at your DH as we all have different ways of doing things

Is she happy in her own life? Does she have other things beside you and the kids?
Could she be lonely and then she is putting all this on you?

Sorry so many questions.

She might feel guilty over what happened and maybe if you could talk to her and gently suggest that she ease up a bit it might help.

To be honest tho I think it will be hard as she might not like seeing you as an adult rather than her child that she needs to help.

Can you talk to your sister about this first of all as she obviously knows what your mum is like as well.

I hope you can get things sorted out soon.

Good luck and sorry i have not been much use

**Our lass** · 31-10-2006, 12:48pm

I can't claim to have a great relationship with my mum, but do have experiece of this sort of thing.
My mum watches OH like a hawk when he's doing anything with Cerys. It used to really annoy us both, but he usually leaves the room with her now to get a bit of peace and quiet with her on his own.
I've had criticisms of the way my mum has done things with my elder children in the past but used to be too frightened to tell her. I've recently started to question her if I don't agree with what she's doing, and she doesn't like it, but Cerys is our daughter and she should do things our way. I know she'll go back home and tell the rest of the family how awful I am, but she'll do that whatever- my kids are more important than my feelings IMO.
I would suggest that you speak your mind, even if it means that you fall out in the short term. If you don't you are likely to become resentful and it will build tension between you and your OH, which isn't fair.

**cherry fizz** · 08-11-2006, 10:03pm

I think you are correct to surmise that you mum has some issues - i think she genuinely likes people relying on her, despite her moaning about your nan, because it gives her a purpose and a reason to feel important.

I think a fallout is likely if you bring it up, in fact it sounds like she might flounce before you get to the end, but I think you must to show that you and DH are the parents, not her. Set out your points, with examples of your concerns and if she tries to brush it aside, say that even if your reasoning is not correct your feelings are still valid.

**Bikerqueen** · 09-11-2006, 08:33am

mum doesnt do this with my OH but she does with my friends when they hold amelie, so I have had a word and told her that if she cant do things my way then she wont do them at all.

boundaries are the key here, and if she flounces after you've set them, she will come back if you're strong and not run to her straight away. Also, I would not tolerate her bad mouthing a 10 year old, or my OH. Make it very clear to her that they are your family and if she doesnt have anything nice to say she can go home. If she persists, tell her you love her, but you told her you wouldnttolerate it and ask her to leave. Be consistent, treat her like you would a rude friend of your step daughter - tell her she's welcome back when she's nice.

be strong, keep at it and set boundaries now is my advice.

**Adelelee** · 09-11-2006, 08:39am

Oh hun, so sorry things are difficult right now with your mum.

Its really hard (believe me I know!!) to stand up to your parents but I think this is what you have to do, take the bull by the horns and quite firmly say that whilst you really really appreciate her help and advice there are certain things that you do your WAY, emphasise that Hannah is your 2nd baby and you are much more confident.

I have it to a degree with MIL but I just tell her (she thinks I am a bolshy cow anyway

)

Hope it gets sorted hun, and we WILL have that Liverpool meet soon!!!!

Adele
xx