when family is in denial

**lazalot** · 05-06-2012, 08:40pm

This could be a long story. It is a long story, but I will try to keep it short.

Some years ago my sister & her husband were asked by our father to intervene so that our mother would agree to attend my wedding. At the meeting they had with our parents things were said which her husband reported to my partner, who then told me. Of course, the details were patchy, and came via two men who had not been involved but they seemed to go some way to explaining why my mother behaved as she did towards me.

My BIL told me that we would all get together and they (my sister and him) would tell me what had been said at that meeting.

Whilst my mother agreed to attend the wedding, in the short time that intervened she managed to get herself admitted to hospital and my father then refused to come by himself although, at our home the next day he said he would come to my next one.

Many other things happened between then and now and I haven't really had any contact with my parents since 2007. My sister and her husband have never filled me in about what happened in that meeting and what was said so I have now asked my sister. I asked her on the 'phone (she lives a long way away now) and she said the only reason that mum didn't come to my wedding was that she was in hospital.

Now I have emailed my sister and her husband reminding them of the meeting they had and their voiced intention to tell me all that happened then (I was angry so I waited until I was calm and a few days had passed before). Now I am waiting for a response.

Some may say I should let things lie. I don't particularly want to rekindle the old relationship with my parents although I feel sad that my children don't have them in their lives. However, this seemed to be the only way to get some answers for the questions that have floated around in my head for so many years.

I guess I just wanted to share that, I don't see my therapist for a week thanks to bank holidays.

L

**Peony** · 06-06-2012, 01:37pm

I'm not sure I follow at all

What are your family in denial about?

**lazalot** · 06-06-2012, 05:52pm

I guess my sister is denying that my mother refused to come to my wedding. Even my OH says, she never even intended to come, whilst my sister is behaving as if there is nothing to tell, it was simply because she was in hospital.

I guess my sister also just accepts their version of events, no matter that it contradicts what I say, what my OH says and my parents themselves deny that they have done anything wrong at all, even though my dad admitted at the last event (the time we had no water due to the 2007 floods and my parents did. My mother welcomed my sister there to have a bath but refused to let me and my two children there for the same thing) that my mother's behaviour was unacceptable.

Does that make sense or am I just leaving out too much to make much sense?

**Tara** · 06-06-2012, 06:27pm

It sounds like a lot has gone wrong with the relationship with your parents, and that there is very little goodwill or trust.

Originally Posted by lazalot

Whilst my mother agreed to attend the wedding, in the short time that intervened she managed to get herself admitted to hospital and my father then refused to come by himself although, at our home the next day he said he would come to my next one.

However, this particularly struck me. TBH, if a person is in hospital, they are there for a good reason, and therefore ought to be given some slack, even if you think they are being a bit of a drama queen. Also, whatever did your father mean when he said he would come to your "next one"?

It's good that you have a therapist to talk this through with, and that is probably the best route given the complexity of this problem. However, in the meantime, I suspect that this is really playing havoc with your mind. Maybe you need to accept that you will never get any answers to some things, and just draw a line in the sand.

I hope you find some solace soon.

**Queenie** · 06-06-2012, 07:27pm

Sometimes I say "I'll tell you later" to make someone go away and stop asking questions for a while. Perhaps your sister didn't want to talk about the meeting because your mother didn't say anything helpful (or indeed much of anything at all) and putting it off in the hope you'd forget about it was her way of saving your feelings?
I do have relatives who are more than capable of going off their meds to force a relapse/crisis and thus a hospital admission, purely for attentions seeking/drama queening purposes so I can sympathise there.
Sometimes I think you have to accept that you won't get answers, because there aren't any good ones to get. Some people are arses and treat other people badly and there isn't a thing you can do about it. Because you are not an arse, you assume that someone who behaves like one must have some sort of reason. This isn't always true.

**LibertyGal72** · 06-06-2012, 09:19pm

Originally Posted by lazalot

Some may say I should let things lie. I don't particularly want to rekindle the old relationship with my parents although I feel sad that my children don't have them in their lives. However, this seemed to be the only way to get some answers for the questions that have floated around in my head for so many years.

Sometimes the only way to stay sane is to accept that things are the way they are.

If the thought of rekindling a relationship with your parents is not something you want, then why would you want them to have a relationship with your kids?

It sounds as if it might be more damaging to you than healthy

Originally Posted by lazalot

I guess my sister is denying that my mother refused to come to my wedding. Even my OH says, she never even intended to come, whilst my sister is behaving as if there is nothing to tell, it was simply because she was in hospital.

I guess my sister also just accepts their version of events, no matter that it contradicts what I say, what my OH says and my parents themselves deny that they have done anything wrong at all, even though my dad admitted at the last event......

My mother welcomed my sister there to have a bath but refused to let me and my two children there for the same thing) that my mother's behaviour was unacceptable.

Your sister may be in a difficult situation. She's stuck in the middle here. And while she was angry/emotional about it all at the time, it might have felt right to want to tell you all about it. But now that time has passed, perhaps it is easier for both of you not to open old wounds. What will it achieve? From my own experience I doubt that you'd be satisfied with the answers.

Queenie's summed it up really

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Originally Posted by Queenie

......
Sometimes I think you have to accept that you won't get answers, because there aren't any good ones to get. Some people are arses and treat other people badly and there isn't a thing you can do about it.

Because you are not an arse, you assume that someone who behaves like one must have some sort of reason. This isn't always true.

Best wishes, LG x

**Tara** · 06-06-2012, 09:37pm

I agree with LG that Queenie's post has perhaps hit the nail firmly on the head. As LG rightly says, you sister is also in a very awkward position too. Whilst I do understand that it is sad that your children don't have a relationship with your parents, sometimes that is not such a bad thing. My relationship with my grandmother was very toxic, and she lived with us! My sister and I were constantly being played off against each other, until we were old enough to realise what was going on, and my mother said that it added an extra layer of complexity to parenting us that she could have well done without.

However, just because it may not be good to have a relationship with your parents now doesn't mean that it will always be like this. Circumstances really can change. Be strong.

**Shoppie** · 06-06-2012, 09:46pm

I have some sympathy as I have no relationship with my father and have had an on/ off relationship with my mother with several breaks in contact, one for about 3 years. The younger 2 of my children have never met her. I am currently in contact as she actually sent me a card with 'Sorry' written on the front last Oct and then basically inside said life's too short. I didn't (and don't) like the idea of no contact at all so got back in touch and we have spoken about 4 times since then. Frustratingly though I now psychologically just cannot seem to cope with any contact with her, I think the whole thing is just too messed up from the past and my brain just gets fried by even the smallest thing which would be fine from anyone else

I have a similar 'issue' in that I was seriously ill in hospital and my brothers both said they told her but she never bothered to get in touch at all (and this was at a time when we were speaking, she broke contact on that occasion). She claims she didn't know I was ill. It still drives me a bit spare now

Overall, I think it boils down to whether you think the relationship is healthy and whether you think it does you any good. If the answer to both of these is no, I would definitely keep out of contact.

I should of course listen to my own advice

**LibertyGal72** · 06-06-2012, 11:10pm

Originally Posted by Shoppie

.... Frustratingly though I now psychologically just cannot seem to cope with any contact with her, I think the whole thing is just too messed up from the past and my brain just gets fried by even the smallest thing which would be fine from anyone else

I totally get this. Lazalot you are certainly not on your own

Originally Posted by Shoppie

I should of course listen to my own advice

Oh yes Shoppie. You and me both.

**lazalot** · 07-06-2012, 11:07am

' TBH, if a person is in hospital, they are there for a good reason, and therefore ought to be given some slack, even if you think they are being a bit of a drama queen. '
My mother does have a history of having ailments which, when investigated, are shown to be completely unfounded. On this occasion she did have an ambulance called out because of chest pains so I will probably be completely derided for doubting them although I am not the only one to do so and 8 years later she has never had them since.

Also, whatever did your father mean when he said he would come to your "next one"?
That was my dad's idea of humour when put 'on the spot' My OH wanted to punch him when he said it

It's good that you have a therapist to talk this through with, and that is probably the best route given the complexity of this problem. However, in the meantime, I suspect that this is really playing havoc with your mind. Maybe you need to accept that you will never get any answers to some things, and just draw a line in the sand.

My sister and her husband certainly aren't showing any signs of wanting to tell me what they know but at least I know that I asked.