Younger children at a funeral - yay or nay?

[Dr Spouse]

Well, it is my opinion, but I do think it applies to children in general, though I've never been known for my humility, so if I said IMHO no-one would believe me anyway.

Do you want me to look up the research on children being exposed to grief/crying/funerals? Because I'm happy to do that if you want something more than opinion. Though I'm guessing you don't.

Personally, I'd rather have someone suggest something on the grounds that it applies to more than just their own children or themselves, because there's more of a chance it would apply to me or my child, in that case .

I don't mind people saying "this worked for me" but I'd rather have 20 people, or a research paper, saying "this worked for 20 kids or 1000 kids", it gives me a lot more confidence!

[Jubjub]

It's a personal choice based on your knowledge of your child's nature. You're not wrong to do either.

I wasn't taken to funerals as a child because I was very, very sensitive and I guess people around me would have been upset to see me falling apart, and perhaps tried to modify their behaviour to protect me, which would have been unfair to them.

I'm glad my parents based their decision on their assessment of my ability to cope with a funeral (not the ability of an unknown 20 or 1000 case studies), because it would have been wrong for me and our family.

[Ruby]

I would take my children because it's a part of life and it's important. It's very personal though. Some people think it's totally inappropriate and, no matter how wrong I think they are, I wouldn't choose a family member's funeral to challenge them.

[skylark]

I also think it should be based entirely on the child. On the whole I do think that it is a good idea if the child understands about death and saying goodbye. Just as we take them to other ceremonies that represent different times of our lives. I think that it can enrich them. My friend took her adopted two year old to the child's mother's funeral. Although she didn't understand much about it at the time she does remember and in her case she is glad that she went. Most modern funerals celebrate the person that we are saying goodbye to. I know that some children may get upset by seeing adults crying but again, I think that it is a good thing for them to see. It can help them understand their own feelings.

[Sam]

I would take my children because it's a part of life and it's important. It's very personal though. Some people think it's totally inappropriate and, no matter how wrong I think they are, I wouldn't choose a family member's funeral to challenge them.

Totally agree

[Queenie]

Where I live, children tend not to be sheltered from death, or from seeing dead bodies. The feeling is that it is a part of life, and that by letting children see death, and the rituals surrounding it, they are less afraid of it, and more able to talk about it.
Whatever choice an individual makes, they are most likely the ones who know their own children best, and what will help or freak them out. Ours have been helped by seeing everything and being involved in the rituals, but we are Catholic, so they are used to there being a ritual for nearly everything anyway!
I think it might also make a difference if the child is not used to being in church. The stranger it all is to them, the less likely I would be to take them.

[PoppyHoney]

I haven't had to make the decision for DD yet, the last time I had to take her to a funeral was when she was 1, so had no understanding of what was going on.

But, I vividly remember going to funerals as a child of varying age (large family, lots of funerals). By the age of 6, my parents were giving me the choice to go or not, and most of the time I chose to go. I think it helped that they were old people, and so I could see that they were at the end of their life, and 'moving on'. The only funeral I chose not to go to was my cousins, who was 2 years younger than me and died as a child.

For me I think it would depend strongly on who had died, and what sort of funeral it was going to be. I don't think I'd take Evie to the funeral of a child, but I would to an adult's funeral, especially if I knew it was going to be a 'celebration' rather than something very intense.

[LibertyGal72]

Sorry for your loss x

I'd say take them. Death is a fact of life IYSWIM and the death of an elderly relative is but the fulfilment of a long and hopefully happy life. THe start of the "next great adventure" as Dumbledore put it.....

ITA with everything you've said, but cut the quote short.

I would take my children because it's a part of life and it's important. It's very personal though. Some people think it's totally inappropriate and, no matter how wrong I think they are, I wouldn't choose a family member's funeral to challenge them.

ITA.

I think it is good to talk to the child about it and see what they say though. If the children were close to the person I might be more inclined to take them, so long as it is something they were inclined to do. If they weren't close then perhaps I would not encourage attendance.

It is a personal decision. And I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Best wishes

[Mrs B]

L is very sensitive at the best of times (she sobbed last night when we told her) and I feel that watching everyone else crying at the ceremony plus seeing a coffin/being confronted by the idea of death would be too much for her.

I know lots of people have had their say, but just reread your post and wanted to add that when I went to my first funeral aged 12, nobody had told me anything about the service- and it was a total shock and surprise when they brought the coffin with my grandad in and put it down right next to me. I coped, but really wish someone had warned me that would happen. Just a thought, if you do decide to take her then let her know things like this.

Hope you're ok hun.

[RealGoneKid]

I would not take E to a funeral now, regardless of whose it was. She is very sensitive and just would not cope. I understand what people are saying about research and their own children, but my 6 year old would not cope.

[Damsella]

If you do decide to take a child to a funeral, I think preparation is key. We took DD to the cathedral a couple of days before my father's funeral so that she could get to know the building and it wouldn't all be a big shock for her. We also explained that there would be a coffin.

But like the others have also said, it very much depends on the child. If I had thought it would overly upset DD (I mean beyond being sad that her grandfather had died) she would not have come.

It can be a tough decision. I would say, though, that in my experience people don't tend to cry at funerals or at wakes for older people who have died.

[Peridot]

Also agree with thirzasmum And damsella, that there aren't huge displays of grief usually when it is the funeral of an elderly person.

Probably my biggest deciding factor would be how my boys would actually behave inside the church/crem and the appropriateness of that...I know both would struggle with sitting down and being quiet for eg
we took the boys to a memorial thing for DH's grandmother where the ashes were scattered. I suppose I see the passing of an elderly member of the family solemn but definitely more a celebration of the life they had.

[Sam]

if you are expecting a child to be your comfort after a relationship breaks down (like those freaky mums of boys who share a bed at 10 ) then you might need to think again, but it is appropriate to cry when a relative dies and it is good for children to have a model of this.

I know it's off topic but I have to come back to this because it's been playing on my mind. How is something that comforts a child/parent freaky? My ds2 is nearly 10 and of quite a nervous disposition, he quite often needs a cuddle/reassurance/tucking up in bed etc (especially if ds1 is sleeping out or my dh is working away) and to call me a freak because I meet his needs is quite rude imo.

[Faith]

And is it freaky if the child is female? Or if it's a father and his son?

Or the cat? Mine often take the cat to bed for comfort and a cuddle The cat is 13 and male....

[joanne62]

I know it's off topic but I have to come back to this because it's been playing on my mind. How is something that comforts a child/parent freaky? My ds2 is nearly 10 and of quite a nervous disposition, he quite often needs a cuddle/reassurance/tucking up in bed etc (especially if ds1 is sleeping out or my dh is working away) and to call me a freak because I meet his needs is quite rude imo.

And is it freaky if the child is female? Or if it's a father and his son?

Or the cat? Mine often take the cat to bed for comfort and a cuddle The cat is 13 and male....

I've been trying not to reply to this because I knew I couldn't be quite as polite as you two seem to have managed.

[Katiekipper]

I've also been thinking about that comment since I read it. My son is 11 and if he wants to come into bed with me or with Dh and I then he's more than welcome. How on earth can co-sleeping with your child be freaky?
Reading weirdness into normal situations often says more about the person saying it rather than the ones doing it.

[calfee]

I've also been thinking about that comment since I read it. My son is 11 and if he wants to come into bed with me or with Dh and I then he's more than welcome. How on earth can co-sleeping with your child be freaky?
Reading weirdness into normal situations often says more about the person saying it rather than the ones doing it.

[VivB]

Reading weirdness into normal situations often says more about the person saying it rather than the ones doing it.

[VivB]

I totally disagree that people dont get upset at an older persons funeral ,I was totally distraught when 2 of my grandparents died last year ,they had been a big part of my life for 43 years why wouldnt I be upset ?? There wasnt a single person who didnt cry at my grandads funeral he was a much loved man .I didnt go to my nannas but it was the same from what my sister said.

[S-J]

have you been able to come to a decision lilybett