My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

[Mokey]

He took great offence and accused me of trying to make him pay towards the mortgage by the back door, and said I was trying to rip him off. He feels very strongly that the mortgage is my investment, and sees nothing wrong with the fact that he is saving money by living with me. He said that if we do buy a house together in a few years' time, he will put his savings into it. And if we split up, his savings will help him find somewhere else to live. He did say that he would pay half the petrol when we visit his family.

He told me that he felt really disappointed in me, and he was going to take legal advice before he agreed to anything. I tried to calm him down, and said that I just wanted things to be fair. He just reiterated that he was disappointed in my attitude and that I was trying to get him to pay my mortgage. He has gone to bed in a huff and is refusing to talk anymore about it. I feel really upset and confused. I can see that we were both tired and with hindsight it wasn't a good thing to discuss in the evening, but he took offence so easily and made me feel like I was mean and money grabbing. I don't know what to do.

I think the worst part of this above is that you seem to be making excuses for his behaviour. So what if you're both tired. Do you really believe he would have responded differently if he'd just had a good nights sleep?
One thing I learnt from being in a relationship with a controlling and manipulating man is that actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to do things differently,he would be doing them differently NOW, regardless of tiredness, stress at work or anything else. He is talking down to you now and in my opinion, if he does it now,he'll always do it and soon you run the risk of losing who you are now. (Worst case scenario)

Thanks for all your feedback. My OH and I have very different perpectives on life. I am a complete optimist, to the point of not always looking out for myself. He is a complete pessimist, to the point of sometimes sabotaging things because he thinks they won't work out anyway. I get terribly upset if we argue, as I always assume he will walk out as he is on the edge quite a bit at the moment with his job, and his MO in the past has been to pack up and go off somewhere to get away from things. He has assured me that he won't do this, but last night he did say he was on the verge of just bailing out and getting away from it all.

He has texted me today to say that he hates seeing me upset (I was crying in bed) and said he feels we are not spending enough quality time together. We have agreed to make sure we do some nice things and take time to cook and eat together etc in the evening. As he gets home from work earlier than me he has got into the habit of eating on his own, and then closeting himself in the front rooom with his laptop and the TV on.

Elvisola's idea is a good one, and I will bear it in mind. I have lived in my house for 20 years though, and I am loathe to rent it out to strangers right now. I would rather see if my OH and I can live harmoniously and then move into a joint home - either rented or bought.

He hates seeing you upset but did he say sorry for his part in that? He wants to spend more quality time together by sharing a meal. This is merely a distraction technique. He knows he needs to sit with you and discuss money, instead he's tricking you with romantic gestures of time together sharing meal,in the hope that you will see the good in that and not mention the money. If you bring it up, don't be surprised if he throws in your face that fact he's spending time with you and you've ruined it.

I'll be honest - I'm wondering what you actually get from this relationship? I mean, he's only just moved in and it's like this already?!

Exactly

He can be very caring

He has gone into his default mode of behaving like he was living on his own because he is stressed, and then I come home from work and start complaining about things, which makes him withdraw.

If the differences between us prove too much, then we will end up parting. I am not going to flog a dead horse, that's for sure. But I do need to think long and hard about what I want out of the relationship, and make sure that I am not the one making all the compromises.

He 'can' be very caring? Why is this not 'He IS very caring?' Can be when it suits him? Like I said, I've lived with a similar man, he could be caring too, normally when there was a pay off for him, the rest of the time, he was a shit.

It sounds to me as though you're are taking responsibility for his feelings and actions and the excuses for his behaviour.
Are you still the same person you were before you met him? Have you changed your behaviour AT ALL to please him or to not upset him?

While I understand that we all have to adapt when we live with someone, it shouldn't be to our own detriment. You're already worse off financially, ask yourself if there are other ways too.

[Tekkencat]

very very wise words Mokey - i hate to see anyone 'justify' their relationship with anyone

[jobey]

Goodness, he does sound very controlling and manipulative

I think it would be wise for him to move out and live where he wants to live for a while. Get to know each other for a bit longer. He should be treating you like a Queen not making you feel like crap. Esp after only 6 months together it really doesn't bode well

[mrsgrumpy]

What a difficult position - you've had lots of advice, which I do agree with. Just thought I'd share our financial approach as a suggestion for a way of looking at sharing. Mr G and I married in our late forties and most of our children are grown up; I own my house and he had manageable debts following a divorce.

We got a pre-nup, at his insistence, to preserve my rights in the house and both of our rights in our own pensions. We then sat down and worked out our individual ingoings and outgoings in our pre-moving situations, and he arranged to give me an amount of housekeeping which leaves me at least no worse off than I was before, allowing for my loss of widow's benefit and extra council tax/food etc and his not paying rent. He also pays for the internet which is his 'must have the very best' item.
At the time this left him with very little float, but as soon as he'd paid off the debts he immediately upped the houskeeping quite a bit, and also pays for a lot of the things we do together. I do tend to pay for our cheap-ish holidays, he pays car hire when we have one.

So, one approach is to look at how living together is affecting you financially as compared to lliving separately. What I remember as I write it up, though, is that all the way through he was concerned that I shouldn't be any worse off and that's what worries me here.

Btw, plans are all very well - it took another 3 months to get the standing order set up

[Peony]

I think that's sensible advice mrsgrumpy work out a plan so that neither is worse off than living apart then no-one should feel put upon.

[Damsella]

While a prenup is a nice idea to set things down in writing, they're not legally binding in the UK. ETA: Actually there does seem to be a precedent of one being upheld. But it's not the same uncomplicated position here as it is in, say, the States.

A tenancy agreement would protect you far more, imo. And especially as you are not planning marriage any time soon. There are different types. He doesn't even have to pay any rent - the important thing is to protect your interest in your house.

[Velvet Chain]

Just want to say - Mokey's words are very wise and she says what I want to say but in a better way.

[DillyDally]

I agree with Mokey, I'm afraid

He can be very caring and he has spent a lot of time in the garden sorting it out, and has offered to decorate some of the rooms too. He is also very clean and tidy and does lots of the housework.

So he is doing some gardening, decorating and housework - but what is he giving you in terms of an emotional relationship?

[parkejm]

Just wondering if anything has become of this