My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

[Raspberry beret]

I agree with everyone who suggested making sure you protect your house and get legal advice.

How about splitting the interest portion of the mortgage 50/50 and you pay the repayment part yourself? Or see what the going rent for a similar house is and he pays half of that. I'd be looking for a compromise on the food shopping budget, maybe you can accept a few more branded products and he can eat veggie meals a few times a week? and do it online so you can both do it.

[Dr Know]

Sorry to be the voice of doom and gloom but I don't like the sound of this at all. Been there, done that (several times ). The thing about the groceries alone sets off alarm bells in my head. If he doesn't like shopping that he can bloody well eat what you buy. End of.

If I were you, I would continue paying the mortgage AlONE and let him pay for just about everything else. And this definitely includes 100% of the petrol when you go to visit his family.

You need to take the bull by the corns - I really hope you manage to sort it out. But don't forget, if he doesn't like your new 'management strategy ' he's in it for the wrong reasons

[January]

Run, run as fast as you can. Or alternatively kick the tightwad out.

Expensive tastes? Of course, because he's taking you for a mug.

You should have sorted all this out before you let him park his arse on your sofa!

I agree with this.

If you feel there's a future in this (and what you've described would be ringing major alarm bells for me), you must take proper steps now to sort out the financial arrangements with protecting your interests being paramount.

As for the shopping and visiting his family at your expense, he'd be doing his own and taking public transport until something fairer was arranged in this house.

[Sassie]

Well that went badly! I broached the subject of money, and said that I realised we hadn't really sorted it out properly yet. I suggested that we look at all the household expenditure, including the car and the mortgage, and see if we can find a way of splitting the costs equitably, without him paying the mortgage. I said that maybe he could pay more, or all of the council tax for example, or pay more towards the food. He took great offence and accused me of trying to make him pay towards the mortgage by the back door, and said I was trying to rip him off. He feels very strongly that the mortgage is my investment, and sees nothing wrong with the fact that he is saving money by living with me. He said that if we do buy a house together in a few years' time, he will put his savings into it. And if we split up, his savings will help him find somewhere else to live. He did say that he would pay half the petrol when we visit his family.

He told me that he felt really disappointed in me, and he was going to take legal advice before he agreed to anything. I tried to calm him down, and said that I just wanted things to be fair. He just reiterated that he was disappointed in my attitude and that I was trying to get him to pay my mortgage. He has gone to bed in a huff and is refusing to talk anymore about it. I feel really upset and confused. I can see that we were both tired and with hindsight it wasn't a good thing to discuss in the evening, but he took offence so easily and made me feel like I was mean and money grabbing. I don't know what to do.

[janiebaby]

warning bells definatley are going off , Sassie , sorry not much help but the fact hes turned it round to you is a deal breaker to me

[Julesb]

I'd be telling him to go get his savings and find himself a nice little flat to rent.

He's taking the piss and you are being too damn nice..

[parkejm]

Just read this, and I agree with the others. There are a lot of alarm bells going off. He seems to me to be very manipulating, passive-aggressive, bullying and controlling by even refusing to discuss it properly.

I think that the first thing you should do is seek legal advice - knowing your rights is a must. Sorry it's not gone too well this evening

[LibertyGal72]

Parkejm's captured it.

Sorry Sassie. Appreciate you are having a tough time at work at the moment. (Been there, done that recently myself). But he is taking the pi$$

I would certainly be having a rethink about what is in this for you. He's hardly loving and cherishing now, is he? And you're doing all the running about, worrying for both of you and paying the bills.

This: "He did say that he would pay half the petrol when we visit his family." Just has me in shock. If he wants to visit his family then he pays for the fecking petrol. Tell him you haven't the money to fill the car so either he pays for it or you don't go.

Seriously. You are worth much more than this.

"He told me that he felt really disappointed in me,...". What is he? Your Dad? Actually the whole conversation sounds like something I might have had with my brother who I bought up for the best part of the year - including not asking for any rent etc when he was out of work. Threw that in my face soon enough when it no longer suited him.

Hope you can work it out love, don't let anyone take the pi$$. The fact that you're asking us for opinions, says enought about the situation.

[Damsella]

So, he wants to live in your house for nothing, and use your car for nothing, whilst keeping his savings escape route? Nice guy.

He did say that he would pay half the petrol when we visit his family.

What a prince!

[joanne62]

I think I would be asking him to find alternative accommodation

[Jelly]

He sounds like he's behaving like a right nobber, sorry.

You should definitely get legal advice if he is being difficult. I am not certain, but I think he may be entiteld to a share of equity in your property if he contributes towards living costs for 2 years or something, even if he doesn't specifically pay towards the mortgage.

Take it as a lesson learned to always sort out the important stuff before making major decisions together
I hope you can work it out.

[fifitrix]

This from a guy in his forties?! Tbh I might have expected it from someone in their early twenties who has never really had to fend for themselves, been looked after by their parents, and genuinely has no idea that things like petrol, council tax and nice food cost money. But at his age, there's no excuse

I feel for you Sassie, because you obviously really like this guy and it's so hard to discuss these things after the event, when he's already moved in. But him huffing off to bed and refusing to discuss is at best, incredibly immature and sulky, and at worst, as parkejm says, a means of control and that is not good

Will he have spent some time thinking about it and reconsider, do you think? Just wondering if you caught him on the back foot, and perhaps he'll realise on his own that he's being unreasonable? If he ismentioning legal advice, then tbh I would strongly encourage that and state firmly that you are going to do the same. And meanwhile keep your car low on petrol so he HAS to fill it up when he goes to see his family (on his own preferably so it's not a shared trip...)

[Sam]

I'd be telling him to go get his savings and find himself a nice little flat to rent.

He's taking the piss and you are being too damn nice..

Spot on. Who does he think he is, turning it round on you?!

[Damsella]

This from a guy in his forties?! Tbh I might have expected it from someone in their early twenties who has never really had to fend for themselves, been looked after by their parents, and genuinely has no idea that things like petrol, council tax and nice food cost money. But at his age, there's no excuse

I have to agree.

And I'm just wondering how long it will be before, in the midst of a money argument, he tells you that you're just like his ex-wife...

[Sassie]

Thanks for your replies. He does have a habit of turning things around to being all my fault and he is definitely passive-agressive. We have both had bad relationships in the past and have baggage like most people of our age, but I am worried that we don't seem to be able to resolve some quite fundamental things. Realistically speaking, I have far more to lose than him in all of this as I have a nice house with a small mortgage which hasn't got much longer to run.

I think we are both quite insecure at the moment and rather prickly and we are not dealing well with conflict. He keeps telling me how hard he is finding it to settle in the house and says that he dislikes living in the area etc etc. I always take it personally and get all upset. He is quite immature and has led a very different life to me - he has done a lot of travelling and only had a mortgage for a very brief time with his ex-wife before they split up. I have always worked and I brought two children up on my own, so we have different backgrounds. The irony is that we do genuinely love each other and I hope that we can resolve these niggles and get on with having a happy relationship. I didn't realise it was going to be this hard living together to be honest. Maybe I was being naive.

[parkejm]

Sorry things are hard at the mo

I think that if he won't contribute and hates the area so much, then he should get his own flat, in an area he feels happy in and that he feels he can settle in. That way you can concentrate on other areas of your relationship, have your own space and eliminate this area of conflict. You don't have to live with each other, I have some friends who have been together for 9 years but don't live with each other through choice as they are very different. I'm not saying that you should do the same forever but it certainly might help until you can work out a situation that works for you both.

It sounds like he isn't happy living in your house, and perhaps someday you will buy a place together that he will be happy in but it sounds to me like those days may be a way off especially with the job situation and the fact that your relationship is still very young.

In the meantime you need to protect yourself but I just don't know how you would broach it to him again without him sulking, turning it against you or getting nasty

I know it sounds like we have all immediately taken against him, without really knowing him and I know it can't be nice to hear.

What you would say to another Damsel if they had written your post?

[Sam]

but I just don't know how you would broach it to him again without him sulking, turning it against you or getting nasty

That's right but if he does react like that, all the more reason to do it in my opinion.

[Elvisola]

If you love him and want to give it a chance my suggestion would be to rent out your house and rent somewhere together as soon as you can.

That way you keep your house and equity separate and together in a shared house he will be forced to split things more fairly.

If he hates your area so much he should jump at the chance. If he insists in sticking to the arrangement you have, whereby he saves thousands a month whilst you struggle then I am afraid that, really, you are probably going to find that he eventually takes you for everything he can.

Sorry, I do hope you can sort things out x

[flowergirl]

I think I would be asking him to find alternative accommodation

Yp, sorry, he just doesn't sound like a nice person. He's attitude stinks!

[Damsella]

If you love him and want to give it a chance my suggestion would be to rent out your house and rent somewhere together as soon as you can.

That way you keep your house and equity separate and together in a shared house he will be forced to split things more fairly.

If he hates your area so much he should jump at the chance. If he insists in sticking to the arrangement you have, whereby he saves thousands a month whilst you struggle then I am afraid that, really, you are probably going to find that he eventually takes you for everything he can.

Cunning plan Elvisola - in fact a really good plan! It would totally safeguard your equity in your house, and would call on him to act like a grownup and put his money where his mouth is.

Your relationship would also be far more "equal" if he wasn't freeloading in your house.