Page 1 of 4 1 2 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 69
  1. #1

    My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    My partner has recently moved in with me and I would really appreciate some advice on how to split bills etc to make sure things are fair. He has just moved out of a rented flat, and I have a mortgage on my house.

    He has agreed to pay half of bills like the council tax and fuel, but doesn't think it is right to pay half of the mortgage. I can see his point, but it does mean that he is making a massive saving as he is no longer paying his rent. I also have a car, which he doesn't drive, but he does get the advantage of it, for example when we drive to visit his family who live quite a distance away or when we go out. He hasn't offered to pay anything towards petrol or anything car related so far.

    In addition, he has much more expensive taste than me in food and groceries, and I seem to be spending far more when I go to the supermarket (which I do more often than him as he hates food shopping). Even if we were to split a weekly online shop, the bill for his things would be about twice mine as he eats meat and fish (which I don't) and he always wants top end products, even down to the toiletries, washing liquid and cleaning products that he uses. I don't want to be mean and start adding up how much each of our items cost, but I do seem to be taking the brunt of his expensive taste at the moment.

    I am really bad about talking about money and I know that I should have sorted all this out before he moved in, so it is partly my fault. I got really resentful at the weekend when he announced that he had just transferred 2,000 into his ISA this month. He is saving lots of money now he is living with me, but I am no better off. I don't want to seem mean and penny pinching, but I was expecting him to offer to contribute more. He has been married and always said that he paid his fair share even though his ex-wife earned a lot more than him. I earn a little bit more than him, but not much more when you take account of deductions.

    What would you do? Are there any other damsels who have been in this position?

  2. #2

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Tricky.

    When my DH moved in, I didn't want him contributing to the house maintenance or the mortgage, as I'm sure that if we did divorce if he can prove he's paid toward the mortgage he then has a claim on the house. It's my house, I paid for it

    What we did in the early days is very roughly split it- I paid the mortgage and household bills, he paid all the shopping, fuelled the car, meals out and other expenses. It worked out pretty even.

    I think if he's unwilling to pay toward the mortgage then you need to charge him going rate rent TBH, it sounds like you have a bit of a problem, I don't see how anybody thinks it's OK to live rent free in someones house? I think you need to sit down, add up both your outgoings, and decide who pays what.

    Another solution is to set up a joint account, and each pay x amount a month. All your bills come out of that, and it's only used for bills.

  3. #3
    Ginger rules
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    6,987

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    I think money is always a tricky one to sort out and there are no rights and wrongs - just what works for the two of you.

    Perhaps you should start by drawing up individual budgets - before and post moving in together and then talk through them. I can see why he doesn't want to contribute to the mortgage, but you could charge him rent?

    At the moment you sound resentful and unless you sort this out, that resentment will damage your relationship. Maybe sorting it out doesn't mean changing what each pays but you do have to be happy with the arrangement.

    I hope you can find a way through that works for you.

    Bop

  4. #4
    Got husband, need wife! Dr Spouse
    Location
    In my mad scientist laboratory, getting children to do difficult things
    Posts
    13,395

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Faith, and Sassie, I suspect that if you both put in the same amount of money to the household but one partner is not nominally paying the mortgage, the courts would see it as if they had been. It is now the home of both of you.

    I think the joint account for bills is probably the way to go. You can also use it for joint fun things like dinners out and holidays (I don't get how couples who live together "owe" each other money for things like that), and keep personal items/work items/clothing separate.

  5. #5

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    But surely Sassie is allowed to charge him some sort of rent without it being considered him contributing to the mortgage? Surely he can't just stay there rent-free?

  6. #6

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_Jane View Post
    But surely Sassie is allowed to charge him some sort of rent without it being considered him contributing to the mortgage? Surely he can't just stay there rent-free?
    Only if he is officially a 'tenant' with a tenancy agreement etc.

    Aside from splitting the monthly expenses Sassie I wouldbe tempted to see a solicitor anyway to find out what you need to do to protect your interests in case it all does go wrong further down the line.

  7. #7
    Truly Blessed bluekat
    Location
    Far Far Away
    Posts
    14,581

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sassie View Post
    but doesn't think it is right to pay half of the mortgage.
    Run, run as fast as you can. Or alternatively kick the tightwad out.

    Expensive tastes? Of course, because he's taking you for a mug.

    You should have sorted all this out before you let him park his arse on your sofa!

    George and Brad, free with every BlueKat post...bargain !

  8. #8

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    You need proper legal advice about the mortgage. Everything else needs a frank discussion about how you both feel, and a reasonable compromise. If you're already feeling put-upon then it doesn't bode well for your relationship. Financial problems, or differing attitudes to money can split a couple up very quickly, and it's really worth making the effort to clarify how you both feel. If nothing else it will show how well you both cope with problem-solving and conflict.
    (For the record, I pay everything, but from a joint account). MrQ doesn't really care about what gets spent where, just so long as he's warm and well fed. He doesn't actually know how much I earn, but if he asked I'd tell him. He won't ask, and when I think about it, I'm fairly sure that he doesn't know how much he earns either! When he brought in more money than me, he never begrudged the money he spent supporting me,and I feel the same now that the situation is reversed.

  9. #9
    Damsel Diva DKNI
    Location
    in a happy place
    Posts
    9,223

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Not that I live with a man now, but I did live with a tightwad before. I would suggest he pays have the utilities and if he wants expensive food then he needs to pay for the full grocery bill thereby negating the mortgage situation.

    Get it sorted out now with a full list of all expenses or it will destroy the relationship. Also has he NEVER offered to give you petrol money? My mum helps me do the shopping by driving me there and back and I give her money for petrol and thats a short journey!!!!
    Andie



  10. #10
    Sleepy Damsel Funky Mum
    Location
    The Moon
    Posts
    3,213

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Have a look at this:

    http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governme...ship/DG_193775

    If he's paying towards bills, he 'could' try to claim he owns a share should you split up, by saying he was contributing by paying the bills.

    If he's only just moved in, and you're already uncomfortable about the money side of things (which you obviously are, since you posted here about it), and it appears difficult for you to talk to him about such things, then that does ring alarm bells. Don't allow romance to get in the way of looking out for yourself and protecting your own interests.

    Get a cohabitation agreement drawn up, and if he kicks off or tries to tell you it's not necessary, or that you're offending him by getting him to sign such an agreement etc etc then he's maybe not the right guy for you. There's a sample of a template agreement here: http://www.clickdocs.co.uk/samples/cohabitation.pdf but Google cohabitation agreement and you'll find loads more. Some free, some for a nominal fee.

    If you think of the worst case scenario, that you split up and then he decides to claim half the house, how would that make you feel compared to having a serious talk to him now and signing an agreement so you both know where you are?

    Look out for yourself!

  11. #11
    Damsel Diva
    Location
    Berks
    Posts
    6,178

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    I think the mortgate situation is tricky and don't really know a way around that one apart from putting down a deposit together on a new place and having some sort of agreement where it is divided up as to who owns what. The fact that you paid the deposit on your flat is a simple one for now but how would it be 10 or 20 years down the line - especially if you start a family.

    A tenancy agreement, well, sounds a bit hmmm. My DH paid the deposit on our house when we bought all those years ago (1998) but I have paid more or less half towards everything even when I have earnt considerably less. I can't have seen myself agreeing to him being my landlord and I wasn't after his house but it made no sense renting together when it is more expensive and when he had the deposit anyway. But we did discuss it.

    If we'd have split up after 5 yrs, I'd have agreed to come away with what I paid in but not now with 2 kids dependent on me and with the fact that I've struggled to pay the mortgage all those years.

    Grocery shopping, well, that is simple. I'd be putting my foot down and just be buying what I'd always bought - especially if I were the one doing it. I can't believe you are being sucked into that one. I don't see why you have to change the way you do things now he's moved in.

  12. #12
    I am glad im not the only one who hears alarm bells ringing. you are in a vulnerable position here, so please investigate what the others have said. If he objects you can be sure he is out to fleece you. There needs to be equality here.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk.
    DS1 21 DD 18:DS2 8

  13. #13
    Mum to 3 wonderful kids Cat Queen
    Location
    Manchester
    Posts
    2,291

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    When I lived with my ex he paid the mortgage and I paid all the household bills and the food, which worked out nearly as much as he was paying... but he was earning more than me...like I said he is my ex!! seriously though if he is earning as much as you then he should be putting in as much as you. I took my name off my ex's mortgage due to one thing and another and when I saw a solicitor about making a claim on the house, she said it would have to go to court and as I had the children I should have got a share, as it happens I didnt pursure it as I wanted to just move on and be away from as much involvement with him as possible!!

  14. #14
    Chief Damsel Damsella
    Location
    A hollowed out volcano in Hampshire
    Posts
    42,213

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    First of all, he is not splitting the council tax. He is paying his council tax, which is nothing to do with you.

    Secondly, if he wants top end groceries then he can buy them. Diddums that he doesn't like shopping - if he doesn't do the shopping, then he doesn't get to choose what to buy.

    Thirdly, I agree with the others. He sounds like a complete tightwad. And someone who makes a point out of saying "I always paid my way" with his ex-wife - well, it sounds to me like he's protesting a bit too much.

    As the others say, you are in a tricky position with regad to the mortgage. If he pays towards the bills for the house then I'm not sure what the exact legal position is, but I think it only counts towards him getting a share of your house if he pays towards the house. Ie mortgage, improvements, that sort of thing. Not everyday bills.

    Seriously though. Bragging about adding to his ISA, while not pulling his weight with the groceries or car, etc? Not good.
    Call me (Mrs) Damz

  15. #15
    Ignoring the rain LibertyGal72
    Location
    South East
    Posts
    3,687

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Haven't read all replies, .... first, I'd consider whether this guy is really committed. Secondly, he should pay the equivalent of whatever he paid in rent. Why should he save money by moving in?
    libertygal


    Kathy Lette: ...women are each other's human Wonderbras uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.

  16. #16
    30-something Damsel bubbasweet
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    16,772
    It sounds as if his idea of paying his fair share is very different to most people! Don't buy his expensive shopping if its not what you'd usually buy.

  17. #17

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Thanks for all your replies. I do feel silly as I should have sorted this out before he moved in but the relationship is still quite new (6 months) and he really hated the place he was living in and it made sense for him to move into my house. He really is a lovely guy and I love him dearly.
    We are in our late 40s and I have grown up children, so we won't be having kids. We are going to buy a place together in about two years and I will make sure that legally I protect my interests at that stage as I have a lot more to put into any joint house than he does.
    I am going to write down all my outgoings, including the mortgage and the car and then suggest we talk about a fair way of splitting everything. He has done an online shop for himself this week and he did put a couple of cartons of cat food into it, so he is starting to think more equitably.
    We are both going through a difficult time with our jobs at the moment - he hates his, and I am being bullied by an egomanical boss - so we are both a bit edgy, which is why I have avoided the 'conversation' about money as I don't want to come over all mean and resentful. The irony is that I have stored it up and if I am not careful I will end up creating an argument about it.
    I will have a look at the cohabitation agreements too, as that may be a way of protecting my interests and ensuring that we have an equitable financial arrangement.
    Thanks again. Sassie x

  18. #18
    Truly Blessed bluekat
    Location
    Far Far Away
    Posts
    14,581

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sassie View Post
    I don't want to come over all mean and resentful.
    Though he's quite happy to be be mean and arrogant. ETA:...while still in the first stages of the relly.

    Good luck with the negotiations and with your future with this bloke. I'm sure you won't settle for anything less than what is fair.

  19. #19
    Damsel Diva Dunkling
    Location
    Elbow deep in paint!
    Posts
    2,460

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sassie View Post

    . He is saving lots of money now he is living with me, but I am no better off.
    This sentence sums it up. This means you are supporting him.

  20. #20

    Re: My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

    Quote Originally Posted by Damsella View Post
    First of all, he is not splitting the council tax. He is paying his council tax, which is nothing to do with you.

    Secondly, if he wants top end groceries then he can buy them. Diddums that he doesn't like shopping - if he doesn't do the shopping, then he doesn't get to choose what to buy.

    Thirdly, I agree with the others. He sounds like a complete tightwad. And someone who makes a point out of saying "I always paid my way" with his ex-wife - well, it sounds to me like he's protesting a bit too much.

    As the others say, you are in a tricky position with regad to the mortgage. If he pays towards the bills for the house then I'm not sure what the exact legal position is, but I think it only counts towards him getting a share of your house if he pays towards the house. Ie mortgage, improvements, that sort of thing. Not everyday bills.

    Seriously though. Bragging about adding to his ISA, while not pulling his weight with the groceries or car, etc? Not good.
    I agree with all of what Damz has said, esp the last bit. He's on to a good thing here isn't he! I don't want to put him down as you obviously like him but wow .

    I think getting some legal advice about how to protect your equity in the house is a very good idea. You don't want to be taken for a ride here, he certainly doesn't sound like he has considered your interests here, purely his own, in which case it may come round and bite you later.

    Get him to do his own shopping. Tough if he doesn't like it, he's a big boy.
    Jo x Wife to an amazing husband and Mommy to 3 beautiful girls

Page 1 of 4 1 2 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •