My boyfriend has moved in and I need to sort out who pays what. Advice needed please.

[Jelly]

He sounds like he's behaving like a right nobber, sorry.

You should definitely get legal advice if he is being difficult. I am not certain, but I think he may be entiteld to a share of equity in your property if he contributes towards living costs for 2 years or something, even if he doesn't specifically pay towards the mortgage.

Take it as a lesson learned to always sort out the important stuff before making major decisions together
I hope you can work it out.

[fifitrix]

This from a guy in his forties?! Tbh I might have expected it from someone in their early twenties who has never really had to fend for themselves, been looked after by their parents, and genuinely has no idea that things like petrol, council tax and nice food cost money. But at his age, there's no excuse

I feel for you Sassie, because you obviously really like this guy and it's so hard to discuss these things after the event, when he's already moved in. But him huffing off to bed and refusing to discuss is at best, incredibly immature and sulky, and at worst, as parkejm says, a means of control and that is not good

Will he have spent some time thinking about it and reconsider, do you think? Just wondering if you caught him on the back foot, and perhaps he'll realise on his own that he's being unreasonable? If he ismentioning legal advice, then tbh I would strongly encourage that and state firmly that you are going to do the same. And meanwhile keep your car low on petrol so he HAS to fill it up when he goes to see his family (on his own preferably so it's not a shared trip...)

[Sam]

I'd be telling him to go get his savings and find himself a nice little flat to rent.

He's taking the piss and you are being too damn nice..

Spot on. Who does he think he is, turning it round on you?!

[Damsella]

This from a guy in his forties?! Tbh I might have expected it from someone in their early twenties who has never really had to fend for themselves, been looked after by their parents, and genuinely has no idea that things like petrol, council tax and nice food cost money. But at his age, there's no excuse

I have to agree.

And I'm just wondering how long it will be before, in the midst of a money argument, he tells you that you're just like his ex-wife...

[Sassie]

Thanks for your replies. He does have a habit of turning things around to being all my fault and he is definitely passive-agressive. We have both had bad relationships in the past and have baggage like most people of our age, but I am worried that we don't seem to be able to resolve some quite fundamental things. Realistically speaking, I have far more to lose than him in all of this as I have a nice house with a small mortgage which hasn't got much longer to run.

I think we are both quite insecure at the moment and rather prickly and we are not dealing well with conflict. He keeps telling me how hard he is finding it to settle in the house and says that he dislikes living in the area etc etc. I always take it personally and get all upset. He is quite immature and has led a very different life to me - he has done a lot of travelling and only had a mortgage for a very brief time with his ex-wife before they split up. I have always worked and I brought two children up on my own, so we have different backgrounds. The irony is that we do genuinely love each other and I hope that we can resolve these niggles and get on with having a happy relationship. I didn't realise it was going to be this hard living together to be honest. Maybe I was being naive.

[parkejm]

Sorry things are hard at the mo

I think that if he won't contribute and hates the area so much, then he should get his own flat, in an area he feels happy in and that he feels he can settle in. That way you can concentrate on other areas of your relationship, have your own space and eliminate this area of conflict. You don't have to live with each other, I have some friends who have been together for 9 years but don't live with each other through choice as they are very different. I'm not saying that you should do the same forever but it certainly might help until you can work out a situation that works for you both.

It sounds like he isn't happy living in your house, and perhaps someday you will buy a place together that he will be happy in but it sounds to me like those days may be a way off especially with the job situation and the fact that your relationship is still very young.

In the meantime you need to protect yourself but I just don't know how you would broach it to him again without him sulking, turning it against you or getting nasty

I know it sounds like we have all immediately taken against him, without really knowing him and I know it can't be nice to hear.

What you would say to another Damsel if they had written your post?

[Sam]

but I just don't know how you would broach it to him again without him sulking, turning it against you or getting nasty

That's right but if he does react like that, all the more reason to do it in my opinion.

[Elvisola]

If you love him and want to give it a chance my suggestion would be to rent out your house and rent somewhere together as soon as you can.

That way you keep your house and equity separate and together in a shared house he will be forced to split things more fairly.

If he hates your area so much he should jump at the chance. If he insists in sticking to the arrangement you have, whereby he saves thousands a month whilst you struggle then I am afraid that, really, you are probably going to find that he eventually takes you for everything he can.

Sorry, I do hope you can sort things out x

[flowergirl]

I think I would be asking him to find alternative accommodation

Yp, sorry, he just doesn't sound like a nice person. He's attitude stinks!

[Damsella]

If you love him and want to give it a chance my suggestion would be to rent out your house and rent somewhere together as soon as you can.

That way you keep your house and equity separate and together in a shared house he will be forced to split things more fairly.

If he hates your area so much he should jump at the chance. If he insists in sticking to the arrangement you have, whereby he saves thousands a month whilst you struggle then I am afraid that, really, you are probably going to find that he eventually takes you for everything he can.

Cunning plan Elvisola - in fact a really good plan! It would totally safeguard your equity in your house, and would call on him to act like a grownup and put his money where his mouth is.

Your relationship would also be far more "equal" if he wasn't freeloading in your house.