Thoroughly depressed by dating - advice/encouragement?

[Wol]

Hello,

Please excuse me reappearing out of the blue and asking for advice. I have had some great tips from you ladies in the past and am hoping you will once again help lift me out of a well of despond :-)

I have had a thoroughly depressing experience with dating over the past year, which has left me feeling confused and anxious.

I ended a serious relationship two years ago, because although I loved him I couldn't see us making a life together, as we had very different values. Ending the relationship was a difficult experience, and I was happy to spend the next year being single - enjoying friends and fun (and a couple of cheeky flings ;-) ).

I then decided to get back in the dating game....and that's when it got difficult.

First, I was surprised by how much harder it is to meet people than when I was in my early twenties. Where have all the single men gone?! Second, I have noticed an alarming tendency for men to abruptly end things after the second date.

Now, this is something I would be fine with if they had been lukewarm on the first date ("hmm...not convinced, but I'll see her again...No, definitely not for me). However, this isn't at all what is happening.

What has happened several times now is: I meet somebody who seems extremely keen. I go on a first date where we seem to hit it off. They follow up, again seeming extremely keen. They send texts saying how much they enjoyed the first date and how much they are looking forward to seeing me again. Second date happens....and then they either never get in touch again, or get in touch with some kind of bullshit excuse about not wanting to get involved with anybody.

I have never really "done" dating before, as I have fallen into serious relationships with men I was previously friends with. I think (based on conversations with exes) that I am a nice person to be in a relationship with. I just need to get past that second date barrier!

Any ideas where I might be going wrong?

I know that I am pretty good at the inital "getting to know you" conversation, and being charming in that situation - partly because I have had jobs involving a lot of that in the past. However, underneath I am quite lacking in social confidence. I wonder my insecurities are coming across at the second date, once all the "safe" topics of conversation have been covered in the first date? If so, what can I do about it?

Your advice and experiences would be very welcome.

At the moment I am feeling miserable at the thought that the more somebody I am dating gets to know me the less they like me....and worried that I will never get past a second date!

W x

[Bettie May]

What about trying more of an "activity" (nooo not that!) for a second date? Bowling etc... or even cinema where the emphasis is taken off conversation? Just somewhere you can have a giggle and relax a little more without having to talk in depth about yourself?

Difficult to know really. I know if I ever went on dates and they talked non-stop about past relationships and how bitter they were then that was a big turn off and would probably put me off seeing them again. Not saying you do that though.

I don't really know if I'm honest as I'm totally crap at the whole thing too!

[LibertyGal72]

Maybe suggest a group thing next time - with your friends or his, - as Bettie May says - bowling or something a bit more active is fun and you get to see people much more relaxed. And ime, if you get on with his friends there's potential for the future. If you don't like his friends, then usually that's a signal to keep clear.

[Wol]

Bettie May - it's reassuring that I'm not the only one who finds dating a bit hideous.... An "activity" date is a good idea for taking away the need to talk constantly. Conversation has tended to get a bit "heavy" on second dates (although it's more likely to be the guy talking about past relationship woes than me)...

LibertyGal - I agree that you can understand what makes a guy tick by meeting his friends!

Re-reading my intial post, I think part of the problem may be that by the second date I am already seeing the date as a potential relationship and am freaking the guy out by acting as if we are "involved" when we have only just met (hence the comments about not wanting to get involved). I have only ever had relationships that are very serious or completely casual, and don't really know how to do something in between.

[LibertyGal72]

you need to rethink your approach then I guess. Best to know yourself and be willing and able to change; rather than continue blindly with no self-perception. Good luck chick

[Wol]

Thanks

[DKNI]

Can I be honest and tell you that its probably more likely they have someone else on the go and that has somehow gotten more interesting for them.

I have done the online dating and started about a year and a half ago. I have found in that time that men get distracted by shiny, pretty things, which generally means someone else is giving them sex.
I have had guys chatting online and dates arranged and then no more contact, or date has been arranged and it has been made clear that there will be no sex on the first date and again things get cancelled.
But then I have been chatting to men and then someone more interesting to me came along and have gone in that direction instead.

Basically you cannot second guess these things and unless you are turning up in a wedding dress to the second date there is probably very little you can do to alter their pov. Its just a case of finding the one that fits you and remember that if he is not interested after the second date, it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

A friend of mine dubbed the phrase 'pocket girlfriends' the blokes are ok texting and eventually sexing but they will never want a relationship with you. I have found that if he texts immediately for a second date then you have a better chance of getting passed that to the third date.
See it as kissing A LOT of frogs/freaks before meeting someone who is adult enough to have a relationship with them.

Its not fun though and can be really demoralising but you will get there in the end

good luck

[bisy backson]

I also don't know what to say other than to be absolutely certain its definitely not you, don't even think it!

I have been on the dating scene for a while now too and am thoroughly fed up with it all - so much promise and so little ever eventuates.

IMHO i still think the best way to meet someone is through friends, or as part of your normal every day activities, (although ob some do make it through from the dating sites ) you can get so hung up on the whys and wherefores but in general its just because they're men and they're crap.

focus on you, not on them

bbxx

[Wol]

DKNI - ugh, that sounds horrible. Have you had some good experiences with internet dating too? I haven't tried internet dating yet, but was thinking of doing so - if I'm going to have to kiss a lot of frogs I'd like to get through them quickly (at the moment I find I only meet somebody to go on a date with every couple of months at best).

BB - Thank you for the encouraging words! I do find that I'm beating myself up and wondering what's wrong with me, so it's nice to hear that you don't think it's me. So far I have been going on dates with people I have met through friends/activities, and I definitely prefer meeting people that way. It does mean that I meet nice single men very infrequently though - which makes it all the more disappointing when things come to a crashing halt after the second date.

Dating solidarity to both of you. xx

[DKNI]

I have met some interesting people via online dating and have had a few flings and met a few freaks and one guy who I became friends with and nothing more, who turned out to be lying the whole time about everything he told me. TBH I wasn't that bothered as we only had email contact but I don't think his wife was too happy in the end
Apparently he had told a lot of lies to a lot of women and shagged lots of them as well. He told me he had a one night stand and got the girl pregnant and that he was making a go of it with her but he never said the same due date when I spoke to him so I had my suspicions, but like I said I never met him and I do feel for the poor wife.

Online dating is not for the faint hearted and you really need to go in with a strong stomach and a business approach to it. Brush offs happen and it can hurt but you need to remember than its not real as its all words on a screen most of the time.
Rule of thumb, if they don't want to meet up within a short period of time, ditch them
If they are online (you can see this) and they don't chat, chances are they are chatting to someone else
If they ask you your favourite sex position by the 2nd/3rd email ditch them

HOWEVER, I have met someone that I started speaking to the week before christmas, we met up for coffee on the 3rd of January and I have seen him at least twice a week, every week and that has been oooh what 3.5 months now. I like him a lot, he has met my boys (5 and 7) albeit briefly and he has never given me cause to doubt anything he says so far.
So fingers crossed after 5 years of being on my own that this might be something that last for a little while.

I also met him when I decided I was going to go out on dates lots (but not sleep with any of them) and I had dates with 2 other guys at the same time and had another date lined up, but well it all clicked and we did talk solid for 4 hours on our first meeting
He kissed me goodbye and as he walked away sent me a text asking if he could have another date , we saw each other the next day.

So when you are feeling confident and relaxed it can be easier, but if you are feeling vulnerable and desperate/needy/lonely then its hard work