Problems with my brother

[Twistarella]

This might turn out to be long so sorry

My brother is 7 years younger than me; he's 30 this year. He still lives at home with my parents. He works but he is in a very low-paid job and spends all of what he earns on luxuries like a 50" TV for his bedroom, an iPad, tickets to see concerts, a parking space at a premiership football club (he doesn't need a parking ticket - he could go by public transport) and more recently trips to Las Vegas every few months. He doesn't have a girlfriend or very many friends so he does all of this on his own.

We've never really got on to be honest. He has it in his head that our parents bought me my first flat (they didn't; they gave me £400 for a washing machine) and paid for my wedding (they didn't). Despite being told time and time again that none of this is true by my parents he refuses to believe it.

We had a falling out last year when my Mum was in hospital and he tried to tell me when I could and couldn't go and see her. Anyway, we talked and sorted that out and so life went on.

Two weeks ago a mutual friend told me that he was saying derogatory things about me on Twitter He doesn't protect his account in any way so the posts were there for the world to see. The posts were along the lines of 'my parents give my sister everything and they won't give me money to move out of home' and 'my sister shouldn't have had a kid' (basically because I have to spend 3 or 4 nights a month away from home on business' and they went on and on in that vain (vein??).

He hadn't said any of this to my face so I was a little surprised to see that clearly what I thought we'd resolved last Summer hadn't been sorted out at all.

Last weekend he came round to our house with my parents as it was my birthday. I have to admit I didn't greet him with open arms when he was at my front door and he obviously got the royal hump and started banging on about how I didn't even offer him a drink (I hadn't offered anyone because DD was busy showing her grandparents her homework). Anyway, my Mum had to drive him back home because he was in a mood.

I haven't spoken to him since and frankly I don't want to. I've had enough of his vitriol about life in general being aimed at me because he has something in his head about my parents buying me everything I have which simply isn't true. I also have no patience for a 30 year old man who thinks his parents should give him money to move out when he spends all his money on extravagancies.

I'm not 100% convinced he doesn't have some kind of mental health issues but my parents won't be drawn on the subject. A few years back my Dad signed a finance agreement so he could get a car. My brother couldn't get the finance so my Dad did it as a favour and my brother would pay him back monthly. He got so angry about something-or-other that he purposely smashed up the car and refused to pay my Dad back anything . He jumps down my Mum's throat for no reason at all and is clearly quite an angry little cookie for no real reason.

Right, well on to the future....! How do I deal with this in reality? Obviously he still lives with my parents so I feel it means I can't go round there and I'm not happy with DD staying overnight which she used to do every once in a while (I should have also said he posts absolute filth on Twitter - I'm not happy with my daughter being in the same house as someone who does that).

My parents are getting on a bit and my Dad in particular has ongoing health problems and will need a new knee in the next 12 months. I worry that my brother is not taking responsibility for himself and that he'll be with my parents forever. I wouldn't mind if he helped out but my Mum does all his laundry and cooking (more fool her, I know). What if something major happened with my parents healthwise? I wouldn't be able to go round and care for them.

This has all happened very recently so I'm still getting my head round how to shred a sibling in reality, especially when they still live at home. I also don't want to cause my parents any more stress.

Any advice or thoughts much appreciated!!

[LucyDee]

Oh dear, this really sounds like an emotional pickle. These are the sort of things that can make life very hard to deal with and something I perhaps symathise as opposed to empathise because I have similar problems with my sister.

My sister and I have never had a good relationship either. My parents divorced when I was 13 and she never took it well. She does have mental health issues and has tried suicide many times with attention seeking ambitions. My current situation is that when I told my mother I was transgender last spring, we attempted to reforge what was a failed relationship using my new found female status to start afresh. My sister became jealous and concocted a story about things I did to her as a teenager, that simply didn't happen. However my mother believed her at the time and yet again my relationship with my mother crashed. Since then, the stories have either been retracted or my mother no longer beleives them because she has tried to get in contact with me.

My solution, and it sounds like it probably wont fit in with your situation was to burn the bridges and cease contact with my mother and my sister. It's an extreme solution but after 25 years of pain caused by my sister, I can't take any more and had to protect my own mental health. I will admit to contemplating suicide with this last episode, the allegations frightened me and for a while I was expecting the police to knock on the door at any time and drag me away as a child molester. I spent a couple of very dark days and eventually with the support of my partner and father got myself back out of it.

I don't know to what level you felt you wanted to take this. I feel for you in the fact of your parents health, my father's is failing and I am looking to having to care for him at some stage. The whole issue is his living with your parents, at least my sister has a place of her own although her first daughter has been adopted by my mother.

Would sounding out some thoughts on what you could possibly do help?

[Velvet Chain]

Ach Twist, it sounds like a nightmare situation to be in. TBH I don't think that there is a lot you can do at the moment, if your parents won't listen to you about your brother and he doesn't sound like he is going to move out of there under his own steam any time soon then talking to them probably isn't going to get you anywhere.

All I would say, is to keep things the same with your parents - don't let your brother come between you and them, however hard that may be, and if the worst things happen in the future - it will be time then to deal with things but for right now I don't think that there is a lot you can really do.

[LibertyGal72]

Frigging hell Twist.

What do you mean by low-waged? I realise he probably isn't paying his way at home but he can't be that bad off given the holidays and stuff.

Can you talk to mum and dad about this? His behaviour is totally inappropriate. They are missing out on spending time with your child.

If talking to mum and dad is difficult, is there an aunt/uncle/cousin you can sound out, to try and figure out what mum/dad's point of view might be?

If he can be encouraged to move out - even if it might 'cost' you a month's deposit, could you/mum/dad conspire to pull the money together without letting him know?

He sounds like an attention seeking spoilt brat to be honest. The sort that when you actually try to reason with them they turn on you. I don't envy you but have been where you are to some extent.

And you LucyDee, my brother is an ar#e and I've not spoken to him for more than a year; no intention of doing so; and I am aware he's been slating me around the family - though I've actually no idea what he has specifically said and to whom Don't you just love people that tell you a bit but not enough?!

[LucyDee]

And you LucyDee, my brother is an ar#e and I've not spoken to him for more than a year; no intention of doing so; and I am aware he's been slating me around the family - though I've actually no idea what he has specifically said and to whom Don't you just love people that tell you a bit but not enough?!

I don't want to go too off topic with my issues, having dealt with them, but snap! I wasn't told much of anything at the time, just hints and bits and bobs and had to add a lot of it together! That didn't help matters either!

[Anne]

I agree with Velvet, dont let him come between you and your parents. He sounds very immature, and has not incentive to move out is he is still looked after like a child. I assume he pays some sort of rent at home? I'd post on his twitter account, so he know that you have clocked him. I would not bother trying to repair the bridge, he is jealous of you and until he matures a little you are wasting your time on him. He's just waiting for a handout!

[LibertyGal72]

I agree with Velvet, dont let him come between you and your parents. He sounds very immature, and has not incentive to move out is he is still looked after like a child. I assume he pays some sort of rent at home? I'd post on his twitter account, so he know that you have clocked him. I would not bother trying to repair the bridge, he is jealous of you and until he matures a little you are wasting your time on him. He's just waiting for a handout!

VC is right as is Anne. I like that suggestion x ROFL x

And LucyDee, the allegations made against you were obviously very serious and I understand the need to add them together, but I cba with my brother's - am not interested in building bridges there. As for the rest of my 'family' nothing lost.

[Twistarella]

Thanks for the replies I don't think he does pay any rent at home and if he does it will be minimal, ie £40 per month or something.

I won't let him come between my parents and luckily whilst they are still fit and able they visit us whenever they can. I can't really talk to anyone else in the family as the other relatives are very distant. Shame he's going to alienate himself from his niece but hey ho, folk are funny.