Does anyone feel 'different?'

**Franny** · 09-03-2012, 11:41am

I have felt this to some degree throughout my life. Can anyone relate? It is hard to describe but it is as if I think differently from other people, worry about things people don't worry about, don't worry about things that do and find others get excited about things I don't and find I get excited about things people think wtf to. I feel on a totally different wavelength/planet to most people I meet and feel I am putting on a face, a front, to fit in because I know would not fit in as myself.

It is not necessarily a lack of confidence. I think I am OK but I don't think people understand my humour, my conversation so I water down that part of myself most of the time. I don't do small talk easily - it is something I've had to learn through practice & got better at. I do see the point of it (bonding, getting to know people) but just find I get so far and then don't get to know people further. I have not really had a close friendship with anyone since my early 20s though I have acquaintances and people I get on with. Even sometimes I feel a stranger to my own family, dh. I suppose this is going to sound a bit wank but, if anyone has read 'Brave New World', I feel like the main character in it, in a kind of soma induced nightmare, a parallel universe where I don't fit. Does that make sense?

I remember a while ago someone suggesting depression but am not even sure if that is it.

**WoollyNewty** · 09-03-2012, 12:03pm

Yes - I do feel like a bit that, not in the same way but I get what you are on about - always have done since a small child - but to me it's a positive thing. I've sort of embraced it. I like being 'me' and I'm not scared of people thinking I'm, erm, a bit odd or nuts.

I think I was quite pleased not to feel like 'everyone else'.

I remember at Junior School - everyone was in to dolls, I hated them (still do) but loved monsters.
Then everyone ended up pony mad so I hated ponies and loved donkeys and used to pretend to be a donkey regularly

. Yup - right down to walking on all fours and braying.
Then everyone went off ponies and I started riding!

I've always been quite sort of fluid in my persona I guess - I fit in with various groups and have friends who are VERY diverse but I'm never just 'one' thing. Some days I feel like x, some days I feel like y. But I'm watching it all from the outside sometimes.

Actually I talked about that a bit with the family support worker yesterday - see she got me, she is on 'that' wavelength - I feel huge highs, all this energy and ideas, a bit like a mild form of mania - but then I get the lows as well, but other than post child birth, not big enough to be depression. Anyway we were talking about how certain experiences in families make you adopt different personas and develop different versions of yourself which I could relate to.

I didn't really fit in at school - ever - but then weirdly at 6th form college ended up 'one of the cool gang'. I think I was the token weirdo

, once it became cool to start having different people in your list of social contacts.

I think all my closest friends are the ones that 'get' my humour and I struggle with people who are a bit slow, don't get self deprecating stuff or get sensitive about stuff in that they turn everything into some kind of slight against them etc etc. I can't be arsed with it. For example me and a really old friend will be together and say stuff like 'yeah - you just want to BE us, touch us and feel the magic' and then collapse laughing. We both have totally '****ed up' lives. Its ironic. But some people don't get it. I think we can come across as though we actually mean it!! But then in a way maybe we do because we don't give a stuff what people think and we just can not imagine worrying about a lot of the stuff people worry about. I don't mean those people are wrong - I'm just not like that.

I think I feel very free actually - because now I feel just 'me' and for example I don't care what other people think of me. I know what makes me tick and that's fine. My problem is how hard I am on myself when I get low - I can VERY critical - but that's my dad talking......

So yeah - touch me and feel the magic

(said with massive massive irony - as I lie in my filthy living room eating an entire tube of crackers....).

**sunshine** · 09-03-2012, 01:12pm

Oh yes, I'm one of the wierdos too

.

I have always felt a bit different to other people too, I can remember being about 5 and realising that I was never going to be one of the pretty/ popular kids. My parents thought that I was shy and sent me to loads of drama clubs etc to build up my confidence. But I don't think I was shy, I just wasn't that interested in the things that most of my peers were.

Woolly I was laughing at you pretending to be a donkey. I used to pretend to be deaf and speak to strangers in sign language :wierdo:.

Sometimes my husband says to "why can't you just be normal?" and I laugh at him and tell him if he wanted a vanilla wife then he should have realised years ago that I wasnt

. I don't mean vanilla in a derogatory way, I just know that I have always been a bit of an odd ball!

Im at an age now when I don't care that I am different to most people. I am happiest in my van, on my surf board, travelling around weird places and going to music festivals. I know that is a lot of peoples idea of hell, but I'm cool with that.There's enough room in the world for all sorts of people

and I'm not going to try and change who I am to make myself fit in with the crowd. I would feel like an imposter anyway.

I also have a job as a psychologist working with kids with autism/ Aspergers/ down syndrome and in that environment, I find that being slightly quirky is quite an advantage as i feel very relaxed talking to young people who don't fit the mould.

I can see that my DD is going to be an oddball too

.

**sunshine** · 09-03-2012, 01:17pm

I was just thinking that I have a brother with autism, that Wooly's son has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers and that your daughter has also had some developmental issues Franny. I'm not for one moment suggesting that either of you have ASD :blush: but I do wonder if there is a continuum of "neurotypicalness" and whether we are also just wired slightly differently from other people.

**WoollyNewty** · 09-03-2012, 01:58pm

Woolly I was laughing at you pretending to be a donkey. I used to pretend to be deaf and speak to strangers in sign language :wierdo:.

OMG I went through a phase of deciding to walk around on the outer sides of my feet, with my legs bowed outwards, pretending I'd been born like that

My mum was like

Jeez!!

I would agree that I'm not 'neurotypical' but I don't know what I am - just me

My ex actually said to me (post leaving) 'please don't ever change'

and I was like 'yeah like that's an OPTION!'.

**Franny** · 09-03-2012, 01:59pm

That's it. Maybe I should embrace it. Instead, I am getting lost in chats about the PTA and the price of cheese.

I feel restless, like I should be doing something creative or meaningful to make my mark in the world [/egotistic] but lack of any substantial ideas

and lifestyle doesn't permit.

I definitely see some traits in my daughter that remind me of me - like taking about 5 mins to answer a simple question. But, actually, she is scarily like her Dad - full of excess energy and a bit of a clown. So certainly, I can relate to the idea that we are differently wired.

**Jack_the_Cat** · 09-03-2012, 02:00pm

I have always felt different

and most of the time, like you Wooly, I kind of enjoy it.

I have lots of friends, and a few really good ones, but I very rarely feel like anyone is anything 'like' me. I think that having an upbringing that always felt different to others around me fuelled these feelings. I am also dual heritage (White/Asian), and quite dark skinned. People often make assumptions on what kind of life & culture I might have based on how I look and they are usually well off the mark. I think that these judgements have made me expect that people will get me wrong.

I don't have any family members diagnosed with anything on the ASD spectrum, but I am quite sure that my brother (& maybe my dad) are somewhere on it.