Some advice please

**Millie** · 01-02-2012, 02:05pm

I'll try to keep this short but I do tend to ramble-sorry!

I got chatting to this guy through on-line dating site, but he lives in Ireland and I am here in London. Anyway, we've been chatting/mailing/texting for 7 months and yet we've never met. We get on great, have great banter, and serious chats too.

During this time we've had a couple of ups and downs I put it down to crossed wires through texts/mails etc..and frustration of not actually being together to chat properly but we always get things sorted.
I'm not new to on-line dating so had my eyes wide open when all this started, we'd chat about anything and everything, he texts me a fair few times daily and mails and he likes to chat on skype.
Well to cut a long story short he seems to get close and then pulls away. Sometimes if you read the messages it sounds like we are a couple and obviously we are not. I actually had to say recently that I'm his friend not his girlfriend and now he's being funny.

He has said twice he would come over to London but then it never happens he then says he's nervous. I understand it's a big thing to go over and meet someone. Anyway we stopped talking about meeting up and continue with texts/mails etc..

Recently he said he is attracted to me in a way and he thinks about me everyday. Which to be honest I was a bit surprised to hear him say this as he's not one to be open with his feeling he's even mentioned this before.

He said some hurtful things the other day and when I told him this he apologised basically he missed me one weekend. He texted me on a Fri night I didn't respond until Mon and he went off on one, saying I was in some mood and he doesn't hear from me etc.. anyway now things are a bit cool between us. I've really tried to make the peace but he's being offish. I told him bluntely lets stop all the texts/mails which he replied he wants us to continue being friends. Thigs have changed I have told him I miss hearing from him and our chats, he acknowledges that his texts have changed a bit the last few day but he doesn't know why. When he does text he asks how I am, when I respond he just give a short reply back, yet he wants to know what I'm doing.

But I have noticed this pattern with him, he does get close and then suddenly remembers he's in Ireland and I'm in London.

I suppose what i'm asking should I just call it a day with him? was it all a game?

Thanks
Millie

**helpimfalling** · 01-02-2012, 02:25pm

Ooohhh hard one Millie I'm not sure you know I'm sure a damsels will be along soon with some advice!

I've never done the online dating thing and it's definitely puts a new element into the mix!

Be interesting to see what the others say! And I have to ask he's definitely not married? Lol

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

**KarrieAnn** · 01-02-2012, 02:33pm

I am a little confused by what you want out of this..a friend or a relationship? you say he was funny after you said he was a friend not a girlfriend, surely that suggests he WANTS you to be his girlfriend...but perhaps knowing the distance thinks its impossible which is why he's a bit all over the place?

at the end of the day you met on a dating site and presumably you are both still single so surely one has to assume he would ideally like you to be his girlfriend but has a very funny way of expressing it?

**Damsella** · 01-02-2012, 03:02pm

I think he sounds like a messer, as they say in Ireland.

I agree with KarrieAnn and I think you should be looking around for guys who are either closer to home or who can actually be bothered to meet you!

**Bettie May** · 01-02-2012, 03:56pm

I agree.... he's just a bit possessive and over bearing imo which is not on when he's not even officially your man and you haven't even met. Sounds like he's a bit too full on too. Having just watched "talhotblond" and also before that "Catfish" I'd steer well clear! Oh and have also done the online dating thing which was awful and I won't bore you with the details. Far better to meet someone more local, there's enough of them on there, than spend all that time and money travelling just to realise he's a nightmare!

**Millie** · 01-02-2012, 04:04pm

Hi KarrieAnn
It probably sounds a bit confusing, but in a nutshell I would like to give things a go with him. i mean Ireland is not a million miles away is it and yes be his girlfriend. He doesn't openly talk about feelings but every now and then drops them into the conversation/texts. I know 7 months is a long time to be chatting online with someone and I did think it was going somewhere. i mean i wouldn't have stuck around this long and surely if he wasn't interested he wouldn't have stuck around too, guys just don't do that. He takes things at a slower pace I gathered that much.

Prior to our little outburst the other day, he would text me good morning first nearly everyday along with texts during the days and then goodnight. We both work shifts so, we would try and catch each other on skype. I would stay up late and wait for him to come home and he would do the same so we could have a quick natter. When I was off work sick he'd always text me. When I look back at it he always texted/mailed me first that's his way.
He has dropped a hint that he hasn't had many girlfriends in the past and that he's abit stuck in his ways. We would joke about this, becuase I too am a bit stuck in my ways at times.

I did make a flippant comment the other day after he said hurtful things, I said he texts me too much and we get close and then he goes funny. You can guess what happened next he started texting less and less. I got a text today after posting on here and he literally said "I haven't texted you in a while how's things?" I don't know if he's hurt or what.

I know online dating is a bit hit and miss but I was surprised that we had so much in common without even knowing it. As we chatted we found things out about each other it's only the distance that's between us.
I've know guys in the past and their charming ways but I don't think he is a playing a game but I feel so caught up in it maybe I'm not seeing things clearly that's way it's good to get some advice from outside. Usually if a guy isn't making an effort I just let things fizzle out and move on but I can't seem to get this guy out of my mind.

Oh, sorry I've seemed to have rambled on, but how can I miss someone I've not even met? maybe I've justmessed things up

Thanks all for advice received.
Millie

**Dr Spouse** · 01-02-2012, 04:06pm

I did the online dating thing for a while, and eventually met Mr S online though through a special interest site not a dating site. After I'd been doing it for a little while I made it a rule to meet people ASAP, and phone sooner. Mr S was in Manchester and I was in London when we met but I think we met within a month. I would never be hanging on for 7 months on a promise of a visit, I have to say.

**Millie** · 01-02-2012, 04:10pm

Hi bettie May
Have just read your reply, after writing my long reply to KarrieAnn.
You've made me think, I didn't really see him as being a bit possessive. It's given me something to think about.
Thanks

**Bettie May** · 01-02-2012, 04:13pm

But do you really have things in common or have you said things like "I like... toast (whatever!) and he's said "oooh really, how funny I do too". I don't want to sound rude but I do think you need to have you wits about you a little more. People can be whoever they want to be on the internet. You are attached to him because you like the idea of a relationship I think and you get used to people's texts but really he could be replaced with any other man at the other end of the email. Everyone likes to have someone who pays attention to them, thinks they are wonderful and sends loving messages and that feeling is addictive and hard to let go of. But really, in 7 months you don't know him at all I would say. You can chat to someone for years without meeting, meet, and within seconds realise they just don't have that chemistry. Or whilst they seem funny online they have obviously thought about their answers and aren't nearly as quick witted in real life. I think you are getting carried away with the romance of it all. And serious... someone who gets "hurt" when you go out or make flippant comments really isn't worth your time. For all you know he could be chatting with 99 other women. You could probably know someone better face to face just spending a week of dates with them in person that someone on a computer.

I say this because I met my second exDH online. He seemed lovely and bigged himself up. In real life we got on ok but he didn't set my world alight. I stayed. We got married. I found out he actually had chatted with about 99 other women whilst talking to me. I was pregnant, I stayed. Five years down the line and I found out what he really was... someone who continued to text and flirt with women he met and someone who took hard drugs and spent all our money.

Yes, it might work out. But I would say 99% of times people are really not what they say they are. You can't know someone at all after 7 months online. I've waffled now too. All I say is that online dating is like selling yourself and men especially are prone to exaggeration. By all means continue to chat with him etc but I'd say don't put all your eggs in one basket (bastard) because there is a very high risk it might not work out and it's an awful lot of time to have invested in nothing.

ETA - Yes! Totally what Dr Spouse said. I too (when dating in the past few years) made it a rule to meet just for coffee asap with people. Too often before that I'd got excited and spent ages chatting online only to be sorely disappointed in the flesh. Men too can put younger looking/more tanned/pre-paunch photos on their profiles!

**Millie** · 01-02-2012, 04:33pm

Hi
I do feel caught up in it like I said. Yes maybe he's chatting to 99 other girls too. I'm glad I came on here today it's got me thinking about a lot of things.
I'm a beliver if things are meant to be then they will be. Maybe the attraction was/is he's been forthcoming with pics, info about himself without me asking, tells me about his family, I've seen family pics.
well like I orignally said in first post things have cooled now, even though he did text today it did feel cold.

Thanks
Millie

**Spleep** · 01-02-2012, 05:10pm

I don't think you should over think this. You haven't met him and you might feel no attraction whatsoever to him in the flesh - he could be unlovely, unhygenic, unpleasant, married, lord knows what.

One of you needs to travel to see the other asap - you cannot possible make any decisions about your 'status' until you've actually met I don't think so there's no point in fretting.

Bit the bullet and go to him if he won't come to you. If you don't, I think you should just call it quits and look elsewhere. It's not real otherwise.

**Millie** · 01-02-2012, 06:31pm

Hi Spleep
You're right and so is everyone else who replied to me. I shouldn't be over thinking this situation which it seems I have been doing.

I did think about going over to ireland a few months ago he was keen for me to go over but I thought he should come over first.

I suppose nothing could really come out of this, maybe I just needed a wake-up call.

**Dr Spouse** · 01-02-2012, 08:20pm

Have you chatted on the phone, by the way?

**bubblewrap** · 01-02-2012, 08:24pm

If you were a friend of mine, the one question I would give you to think about is "Would you put up with this type of on/off behaviour if it were a 'real life' relationship?" If so, then get together, give it a bash. But if not (and I hope you a friend of mine wouldn't to be honest) then no, call it quits and move on. Wasting 7 months of your life when you are actively seeking a relationship (which I'm guessing is why you're using the online man shop?) on something that doesn't ultimately make you happy is just that - a waste!

Good luck and please let us know what happens!

**DKNI** · 01-02-2012, 08:34pm

Having done the whole online dating thing and met my new man that way I would say you are caught up in the romance and the attention. I don't believe you can truly know someone until you meet them in person and get to hear and see how they are when they are talking with you.
If he hasn't made the effort to come over and see you in 7 months the likelihood is that he never will.
I found there are a LOT of men on these sites who don't want a real life girlfriend, they want webcam sex or the safety of sexting or just contact. Often times they are married or in relationships or, lets face it total freaks!!!

If he is kicking off at you give him a miss as really it would most likely be worse in person. if he was that desperate to talk to you he could have called you.
Any man who can justify hurtful things by saying he does this when he feels a certain way, needs to be left to that certain way on his own.
Get online and date men in your area, get out and have fun and stay away from the players.

Good luck and I hope you get some fun times out of the dating as well

**ms sweetcheeks** · 01-02-2012, 11:10pm

Hi there

Also single and have also done online dating and so far 99% of the men I have met there, despite feeling majorly attracted to them ONLINE / SKYPE etc they have been let downs- when you meet it is SOOO different.

Firstly you could meet and feel NO attraction - believe me that is 100% possible as much as you think it is NOT possible as you are so "close" (been there)..

Secondly I know a guy just like this, and basically my take on it is that that kind of man - well he likes having a "pocket girlfriend"- someone he can say Hi babe to a few times a day, someone who will boost his ego, I was in SAME boat as you almost and then it came to meeting which was OK, but actually taking things further- he couldn't do it, he was too comfortable in his normal day to day life to change anything (i.e. get a real girlfriend) and he would rather just carry on with the phone/text/email/skype forever..

I have taken the approach now that until I meet someone for real (in real life) I am NOT investing ANY emotion or too much time as too many times I have done that (or friends have done that) just to meet the guy and you just think "Ugh really, is THIS what I have stayed up till 5 am chatting for??"

I would personally give him 1 chance now to say "Right ok let's meet"- give him dates, no more being vague, and make clear that you would like a REAL relationship with someone - not a virtual one as you are actually a person, who have physical needs too, and basically I'd simply say that if no meet then this cyber rellie will end.. WHAT is in it for you? NOTHING?

Until you KNOW for sure you'll get on there is NO point wasting your time / energy/ phone bill / emotions - at all.. BELIEVE ME...

**Millie** · 02-02-2012, 11:54am

Hi Dr Spouse, yes we have chatted loads of times on the phone.

**Millie** · 02-02-2012, 12:08pm

Hi all

Thank you all for your advice, I kind of of feeling a bit silly now getting myself caught up with this guy. Maybe deep down I knew something wasn't right. Yeah 7 months is a long time spent on basically nothing.

I didn't return his text yesterday and he's texted again today, maybe that's all i am a text/mail/skype buddy.

Thanks, much appreciated
Millie x

**DKNI** · 02-02-2012, 04:12pm

Don't beat yourself up about it as it happens, a bit of attention can turn anyone's head and you can get carried away with it. But I just learnt pretty quickly on that if they don't want to meet they are hiding something, either that they are in a relationship or they are hideously ugly and not being honest with you.
I would also always wonder if it was just a wind up if there was no mention of a meet. But then I have met men who only want to meet for sex so it really is a minefield.

Rule of thumb for me is if they don't want to meet within 2/3 weeks of daily or near daily contact, then thats it. Its never going to happen.

Hope you find someone nice and normal soon

**ms sweetcheeks** · 02-02-2012, 04:18pm

Originally Posted by DKNI

Don't beat yourself up about it as it happens, a bit of attention can turn anyone's head and you can get carried away with it. But I just learnt pretty quickly on that if they don't want to meet they are hiding something, either that they are in a relationship or they are hideously ugly and not being honest with you.
I would also always wonder if it was just a wind up if there was no mention of a meet. But then I have met men who only want to meet for sex so it really is a minefield.

Rule of thumb for me is if they don't want to meet within 2/3 weeks of daily or near daily contact, then thats it. Its never going to happen.

Hope you find someone nice and normal soon

Agree word for word...