Inconsistency with gifts

**Northern Angel** · 28-12-2011, 10:58pm

Bah! Just wanted a bt of perspective here. I have 11 neices and nephews aged 3 to 33 (actually the two youngest ones are the children of the oldest one) and I am 39. The three eldest ones are 33 (with a 36 year old wife and two children), 31 and 27, the rest are under 19. Am I unreasonable thinking I shouldn't buy for the oldest ones and in return, they don't need to buy for me? Bearing in mind I have two stepchildren and two children to do santa for...

Last year I texted my niece in law and suggested we just buy for the children. She thought it was a great idea, very sensible she said. The other two nephews hadn't bought for me for years so I didn't buy for them last year. Great, I thought, 4 less presents to do, bearing in mind I have another 8 adults (siblings and parents) to sort out.

This year on Christmas day I'm presented with a bottle of Cava and a box of chocs from nephew and niece-in-law and a chilli plant set from nephew no.2! Gah, can they not just be consistent! Nephew no.3 has the right idea, he took his girlfriend skiing instead and we'll have a drink when he lands on us

Now this wouldn't be so much of an issue if my sister (mother of the two oldest nephews) had a face like an *rse today. We were out for a meal and I couldn't work out whether I had upset her because her precious sons had made an effort with zero return from the selfish aunt

or that she thinks the turkey my DH had bred for us has poisoned nephew no.4. Which is clearly not the case, we are all fine and he has a stomach bug end of.

Am I the only person who likes a bit of consistency at Christmas? Families

**LibertyGal72** · 29-12-2011, 12:18am

Families are the cause of so much stress! Unless you're going to ask your sister outright why she looked so miserable, I'd say there was little point in fretting about it.Make it clear to everyone who you are buying for next time. And don't feel put out if someone gives you a gift that falls outside your plans. I don't give to receive. And ironically a few people I normally give a token present to (with no return) actually gave me gifts this year. I don't feel bad for having decided to cut back this year

Life's too short x

**Northern Angel** · 29-12-2011, 08:07am

Thanks LG

I was waaaay overthinking last night, all fine this morning. My sister has passive agressiveness down to a fine art

and makes me feel guilty without really saying whats wrong. And believe me, its not worth asking outright

Could have been a number of things

I normally think its something I've done, as do my Mam and other sister

. She'll be fine the next time I see her.

I don't give to receive, but feel so bad on my niece-in-law as she's so nice and has just set up her own business and I know can't afford to buy for us all. And I thought we had set a precedent of just buying for the children, which means I can treat their kids. They won't mind in the slightest either way; they're a very cool couple. I'll bake something nice for my great nephew's birthday next month

**parkejm** · 29-12-2011, 08:55am

How annoying

Perhaps next year you could send them all christmas cards before you see them and write in them that this year you will be making a donation to charity in lieu of presents for all but the kids and that you certainly don't expect presents in return? That was you make 1 donation of your choosing and hopefully the message gets through to everyone that you aren't buying?

**Northern Angel** · 31-12-2011, 07:37pm

Originally Posted by parkejm

How annoying

Perhaps next year you could send them all christmas cards before you see them and write in them that this year you will be making a donation to charity in lieu of presents for all but the kids and that you certainly don't expect presents in return? That was you make 1 donation of your choosing and hopefully the message gets through to everyone that you aren't buying?

Thanks Janice, just realised you replied

unfortunately in previous years I have tried the 'just buy for the kids' approach and also have bought people Oxfam gifts. Nothing changes.

Anyway, I felt better having a moan about it, it'll never change but next year I maybe need to be a bit more organised before hand.

**scrobble** · 01-01-2012, 06:44am

We stopped getting presents for my cousins etc. when they turned 18, except for a token gift from my parents such as a box of chocs or something. They all live so far away from me and none of us particularly know what the others are into, so there doesn't seem a lot of point getting a gift just for the sake of it.

Don't feel guilty if you're given presents for people you haven't bought for. It doesn't sound like they were particularly extravagant, just that they saw something they thought you'd particularly like, and I'm sure they're not upset that you didn't reciprocate.

I think that sometimes you get stuck into a cycle of gift-giving and it's really hard to know where to draw the line. For example, if you carry on getting things for all your nieces and nephews, are you going to start getting things for all their kids etc? Christmas could get horrendously expensive!

**Dr Spouse** · 01-01-2012, 10:57am

As a childless (so far) couple we have in some cases bought for the parents not the children - especially where they are long standing adult friends. In some cases we them buy for the kids' birthdays instead, as those are the new occasions so to speak.