sixth form dropout

[mrsgrumpy]

My 'exceptionally intelligent' 18 yo DD has decided to leave home and support herself (in a house share) by working in a fast food outlet. She still attends sixth form and expects to go to uni - hopes for a Russell Group Uni - but her work and attendance are suffering badly and her teachers say she's in danger of failing.

I am at a loss to why she's decided to do this and how to convince her that she will regret messing up her A levels very soon. Does anyone have any ideas?

Also, how long will her grammar school keep her with an attendance of about 60%?

I am at my wit's end and also afraid that my rather less able DS will copy her.

[myzzterri]

No advice except to say that I dropped out of sixth form to follow bands around & went back to do my A-levels/degree when I was in my 20's.... If she genuinely wants to go to uni she'll do it when she's truely ready (which tbh, it doesn't sound like she is atm...)

[LibertyGal72]

Sounds like she needs a break from the study merry go-round. If she's headstrong enough to go get a job in a fast food place and support herself etc. I'd be inclined to say she's doing the right thing for herself

If she was to decide to take a gap year and travel the world would you be thinking it was riskier and fear for her safety nearly every minute of the day?

The experience will probably allow her to learn loads about life and herself.

And going by what I have seen over the years, that's not a bad thing. Too many people go through life from school to 6th form to uni etc. and have no life skills or common sense. I have plenty of friends who left school with few grades but have done very well in life. There are some too that left school at 16, got a job and went back to college as they realised they wanted to do better.

There isn't only one way to make it. In your shoes I'd like to think I'd take a deep breath, tell her you'd rather she didn't take the risk (because there's no use lying or disguising how you feel) but recognise she is an adult, knows herself best and support her ability/need to make her own decisions now she is an adult.

Good luck x

[Faith]

What myzz said.

I did stick my a levels out, but failed miserably. Got a min. wage job and a house share. Took me about 2 years to realise that actually, compared to alot of people i was working with, I was bl00dy clever. So went to uni in the right frame of mind and did incredibly well.

I know it's hard, but there's nothing to stop her having a year out then going back to sit her a'levels, or doing an access to education course. Ime uni is actually a lot easier if you're 20 ish than 18. You're a bit more "together". But then, I had a friend who dropped out, got a job, they really liked him and fast tracked him through management, ending up paying for his degree in his late 20's.

She's young and still has loads of options.

[redhed]

Tbh, if she's bright, if she does fluff the exams she can probably cram for retakes, do a gap year and turn up to uni a year or two later and be fine. As Myzz says, you can catch up years later if you want to, though the system makes it a bit easier to do it suo anno. How much longer does she have to run of the course between now and exams? Bearing in mind there's not that much left of this term till Xmas? And how much coursework is already in?

I don't know what the rules for truancy are at A-level: education isn't compulsory at this age so I don't think the school is under the same pressure from the govt about it. It's probably down to the school's own individual policy and if they think she's still capable of improving the school's "average" results they are likely to give her an earful but there's no benefit for them to chucking her out. Unless she's a bad influence on others.

I'd be more concerned about her leaving home all of a sudden and you really not knowing/understanding why - if there have been no rows or anything I'd personally be worrying there's something she needs to conceal from you. She's 18 of course, and as an adult entitled to make her own mistakes. But as a mum I'd want to know what they were.

[suzie2]

Has she discussed why she's made this choice?

As parents (especially when it comes to older children) it's really hard to watch on as they make decision we'd prefer they didn't make. Of course, we only want what's best for them and for them to succeed so they have the best possible chance in life. But as parents I think we also have to give them the opportunity to make their own mistakes - which means they, in turn, have to take responsibility. And besides, sometimes what we think is best choice for our kids, isn't necessarily the best choice for them.

I think all you can do is outline your concerns, tell her you'll always be there for her no matter what, but that she's the one who has to live with the consequences. And as with Myzzterri, it will probably all work out in the long run x

[Cat]

Has she actually got herself a job and worked out she can support herself or is it just a plan?

She might find the reality isnt as rosy as it seems and it may help her get herself back on course.

Hugs to you.

[Dr Spouse]

I don't know about the attendance but what red said is true about the retakes and what myzterri said is true about going back in your 20s.

It's hard to get into Oxbridge with resits/later exams but for most Russell Group (if we're talking Bristol, Manchester, Glasgow - that sort of thing) then it is perfectly acceptable.

[Ms Sunflower]

Everything that Faith and Myzzterri said. By the time it isn't compulsory, and with it now being AS levels, then A-levels, I'm honestly not surprised bright teens ends up disillusioned, fed up and craving to get off the treadmill of assessments, exams and courswork. I dropped out of college, simply because I was thoroughly miserable, tired and I'd lost any enthusiasm for it. I did an Access course a few years later, with a clear head and went to Uni.

She'll find her way, it isn't the end of her options if she fails, or drops out now. I remember my Father basically saying when I dropped out of college that I'd never be anything, and that my life was now set on a path of little success. Which is utter nonsense, there are always ways to return to education on different paths, at your own pace.

[nickimacrae]

I agree with what everyone has said about breaks in education, doing it later, retakes, etc And the building life skills bit

I think I've gained twenty-fold more life skills from voluntary work, traveling, running my own businesses and having kids than I ever did in education

I was an a-level drop out and whilst I do regret a little not taking my art degree when I could have, supported by parents, just because practically it would have been so much easier than now, and the fact I could have been ten years further (time-wise) in my career, I don't think I would have been the right person at the right time to make the most of it. I would have been like a rabbit in headlights and would have had very little interesting to say (I think in my job you have to have a voice, and opinions, and a good sense of 'self'). I've managed to work my way through quite a few decent jobs, and done things in life I've wanted to, and with my family all ready formed I'm now happy building my career my own way I'm 33, touch wood I've got tons of time!

DH on the other hand did a-levels at a good grammar, got a 2:1 at uni, came out with v little debts, but then couldn't get a job, ended up working in shops, call centres, etc took much longer to work his way into decent paying work than I did, and now after all these years he works as a postman, happy as larry! Couldn't want for more out of life and has never used his degree. He didn't really enjoy uni and says he studied too hard, worked too hard, and didn't really have a lot of fun

I guess the worry, as others have said, is why she has decided to leave home and why she's not really spoken to you about it, and if she really can pay her way and cope or if it's not been thought out well enough.

[nickimacrae]

She'll find her way, it isn't the end of her options if she fails, or drops out now. I remember my Father basically saying when I dropped out of college that I'd never be anything, and that my life was now set on a path of little success. Which is utter nonsense, there are always ways to return to education on different paths, at your own pace.

Similarly, I remember being sat down by the head of sixth when I left and being told I would get nowhere in life without continuing education - his wife didn't have a good education and she had never got anywhere. Nice!

[mrsgrumpy]

Thanks you everyone, that makes me feel much more positive about it. She's always wanted to be independent and I'm happy that there are no sinister underlying reasons for her leaving home; she keeps in touch with me and DS and comes round from time to time.

I left school at 16 myself, worked my way up into a decent job in IT and completed an OU degree a couple of years back. No problems with her doing things that way but I am very conscious of how difficult it was at times, and how much of a better start some of my more conventional colleagues have had. I'm rather afraid I've given her the impression you can have it all, without the continual series of compromises that involves.

I have suggested that she take some time out to travel abroad - a cousin is off inter-railing - but she can't see the point.

It has to be her decision but she is only just 18 and not the best at weighing up the pros and cons. Still, she's adaptable and seems to be coping. I must try to be more positive and your comments really help.

[wickenwoman]

DD was a sixth form drop-out. She only made it as far as her AS levels before declaring that she hated it. She found herself a job and left 6th Form at the end of year 12. After a couple of years working she discovered what she really wanted to do in life, went back to college part-time while still holding down a job, got her Access course and started studying at Uni this year. It wasn't the easy option but it's taught her one hell of a lot.

DS completed college but decided Uni wasn't a path he wanted to take either. After a year or so in the work place he is now thinking of applying to Uni to study Zoology with Conservation.

The path to Uni is never closed and I think a couple of years in the workplace can actually make them better candidates for the courses they wanted,

[claireh]

If she is a smart cookie would she respond if you sat her down and pushed the fact she only has to really knuckle down for a few more months. Working really hard now gives her so many more options and consequently more freedom.

In the scheme of her whole life the next six months is such a short period of time.

[RedVelvet]

Another A level drop out, well not really a drop out, I was straight As in lower VI and my grades dropped to Cs in upper VI (mostly due to the demon combination of boys and pubs). I went to uni after working for two years and am still happy with my choices now. If she wants to study she will find a way.

Personally I think our job as parents is to offer support and a listening ear for our children. Sometimes they will make choices we don't agree with, but they are finding their way as young adults. Far more important than a 'traditional' route through education is having parents you know you can turn to when things go wrong and who will listen to you without jugdement and without telling you what to do. Just my opinion. Keep the lines of communication open and remember she is learning some great life skills of money management which will serve her well when she gets to university.

[Rosa]

I was bright at school and left before the end. My teachers were so disappointed, I had such potential etc. However I went and worked in a shop, moved in to a flat which I LOVED then started a permanent job in an office organising events and stuff. Never looked back, never wished I'd stayed on at school, never felt I missed out not going to uni, never wanted a job I couldn't apply for cause I didn't have a degree. I got a head start in the work place and had pretty responsible positions before my friends had graduated. It's not the end of the world I have done loads of studying and learning through flexible college courses and other things for fun as well, I do love learning

I like that I'm having a break from work now with the kids, and have the opportunity to retrain as anything I want now, I feel I'm in a much better place now to make decisions about what I really want to do with my life, than when I was 17.

[redhed]

It's hard to get into Oxbridge with resits/later exams

I did.

[DillyDally]

Sounds like she needs a break from the study merry go-round. If she's headstrong enough to go get a job in a fast food place and support herself etc. I'd be inclined to say she's doing the right thing for herself.

I agree

As parents (especially when it comes to older children) it's really hard to watch on as they make decision we'd prefer they didn't make. Of course, we only want what's best for them and for them to succeed so they have the best possible chance in life. But as parents I think we also have to give them the opportunity to make their own mistakes - which means they, in turn, have to take responsibility. And besides, sometimes what we think is best choice for our kids, isn't necessarily the best choice for them.

Thanks you everyone, that makes me feel much more positive about it. She's always wanted to be independent and I'm happy that there are no sinister underlying reasons for her leaving home; she keeps in touch with me and DS and comes round from time to time.

I think it's fabulous she is being so independent. It's never 'too late' to do A levels/a degree/post-graduate stuff

[Dr Spouse]

I did.

But that was in the olden days... I know it's just beyond competitive now and you basically have to be perfect.

I don't have any friends who are Oxbridge admissions bods at the moment but a few years ago it seemed to be true.

[bubbasweet]

Just a very, very random thought that I had, but I don't suppose she's doing this to try and make the most of the grants and financial assistance that will be available to low-income students, once the higher fees come in? If she's financially independent from you, with a low income, she'll qualify for all sorts of assistance.