Getting over the fear of never finding anyone else

[Skibunny]

Things are pretty bad with me and DH at the minute. Not sure why particularly, I just feel like we've almost reached the end of the road together. It's not definite and it might just be another hurdle but ... I don't know.

Anyway, I sometimes feel like the only thing keeping us together is my fear that I'll never meet anyone else. When I met DH I was young, skinny, beautiful and with this amazing future. Fast forward 11 years and I'm old, fat, a mother of three with what feels like no particular future - why on earth would anyone want to share that? It's not that I don't like my own company, or can't be without a man because I can - it's just that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life!

So for anyone who has bitten the bullet, how did you get past that fear?

Skibunny
xx

[bubbasweet]

I'm no expert and certainly wont know what goes on in your relationship, but it sounds as if your feelings about yourself could be causing some problems. Has he actually said he doesn't like those things about you or are you just assuming?

[silverpod]

Has there been something/s which has triggered your feelings?

FWIW, I think you have been under a lot or pressure over the last few months and I think that with everything that you've had thrown at you, it's no wonder you might be feeling as you are.

You are an incredible woman SB who a lot of people admire and respect. You know I said about meeting a friend of yours by chance yesterday, well your ears should have been burning with our gushings for you (IATNLW)

[Anne]

I have ditched a man who was making me feel very down and it wasnt until I have got shot of him that I realised how being with him was draining the life out of me. I felt quite scared of being a single mum and no home and no job. But I formulkated a plan, which was to sort myself out a job and childcare sso I could make my exit from my marriage. I also went for therapy at Relate which helped me realise that I had been propping the marriage up for years and if I stopped working at it, there was nothing there.
So I got myself working and went to see a solicitor. When I knew where I stood financially I ended the marriage. It turned out to be terrible tereible timing but it was just too late.
Now Im happily married to someone who appreciates me for who I am.All this taught me is
Never say never.

[Skibunny]

To be fair to DH, he's never said anything about me being fat and old - that's entirely my own perception - and an accurate one btw!

I don't think there's anything specific really that's making me feel this way. Like you say silverpod, it's been a tough few months and part of it is feeling like DH just isn't interested or capable of being the man I need him to be. He's not the strong one, or the capable one. With the chickens and my grandma and the new job and everything, yes it's been tough. And as I said to DH, at the minute he's not providing anything that I couldn't pay someone to do - i.e. walk the dogs which is about the limit of his help. I don't know. I just don't know.

[Cat Queen]

I have ditched a man who was making me feel very down and it wasnt until I have got shot of him that I realised how being with him was draining the life out of me.

I could have wrote that myself, I was exactly the same, and 19 months down the line I feel so much better in myself, my whole life has changed completely, everything about it from where I live to where my kids go to school etc (only thing the same is where I work) and I have met somebody who is 1000 times better than my ex, and I am a 42 year old mother of 3.

One thing that I have learnt out of the whole break up of my relationship with my ex, who was the father of my two youngest children is that life really is too short to waste with the wrong person, I was scared for years to leave but I am glad it ended. So what if i live in a housing association house, so what if I struggle each month moneywise, at least I am free from a relationship that I should have left years ago and was sucking the life out of me.

take care x

[bisy backson]

it sounds like your feelings about yourself are the issue here, not necessarily your marriage (although that may be an issue as well).

firstly big you sound tired, down, confused and not sure where to go next.

talking to a counsellor would definitely help, and would probably identify fairly quickly whether you are genuinely at the end of your marriage, or, whether if you resolve some of the issues wrt your feelings about yourself, your marriage can be saved.

Is this something you think you can do?

Having made the leap myself, the relief at no longer having to be married to was the overwhelming feeling, and not the fact that i could potentially be on my own. I was actually excited that i was getting the chance to be free of him and all the negativity he created and the black hole this sucked me into, and out in the world with the chance to discover being 'me' again.

Two years later i am still single, and while this is frustrating, annoying, and sometimes lonely, i have had the BEST two years. I have made a life for myself and my kids that I wanted, shed loads of baggage (and toxic people) and feel happier than i can ever remember.

The joy of living a great life is far far more overwhelming than not having a partner, and i was actually featured in a mag article about this (can send you a copy if you pm me your email address as it sums up what it feels like)

I found i had more time and energy to concentrate on 'me' in terms of how i wanted to look, feel, what i wanted to do, and with that came hugely improved self image and comfidence, and not its definitely 'my' life, and not anyone else's.

Breaking up is definitely hard, and can be a long slog for a while, but it definitely passes. The way i look at it, the two year investment in turning my life around is nothing compared to how i'm going to live it for the next 80!

as CQ says, money's tight, i live in a crappy rental, my lifestyle changed beyond recognition - but its a great lesson in what's important in life and how to be genuinely happy (rather than thinking you need clothes/cars/things etc to make you happy) what i do now in my life are generally things that make me and my boys happy, and not things that other people want me to do to get their slice.

My philosophy now is that every day i wake up is a good one, which helps keep things in perspective. It has taken a while to get here but I'm so glad this is where i am now, and shudder to think how the alternative compares.

good luck honey, if you need to chat pm me, its not easy, being single/a single mum is not necessarily what we'd choose, but its a much better option than being emotionally crippled in a toxic marriage.

bbxx

[Moffgal]

I know you wont believe it coming from other people, and it's all about how you see yourself, but can I just say you are by no means old, or fat or futureless (is that a word?). Heck you've just begun an exciting new career!

Thing is, with all you've been through recently, you've not had chance to stop and breathe, let alone enjoy your new job and all that brings. And I'd imagine your relationship has kind of found it's way to the bottom of the pile, as happens to so many people, happens to us all the time.

What do you feel you need right now? Time to talk with your DH? or a break from him? Or maybe some of both? Do you want it to work?

massive you are a fantastic, gorgeous, wonderful woman and don't you forget it xxx

[LibertyGal72]

To be fair to DH, he's never said anything about me being fat and old - that's entirely my own perception - and an accurate one btw!

I don't think there's anything specific really that's making me feel this way. Like you say silverpod, it's been a tough few months and part of it is feeling like DH just isn't interested or capable of being the man I need him to be. He's not the strong one, or the capable one. With the chickens and my grandma and the new job and everything, yes it's been tough. And as I said to DH, at the minute he's not providing anything that I couldn't pay someone to do - i.e. walk the dogs which is about the limit of his help. I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't know you or your background that well, but from what I see from your couple of posts here is someone who is a bit burnt out (might be an understatement here!) and is really feeling the pressure.

I think that when that happens we start feeling really negative about ourselves and zoning in on the things that we think are not perfect.

You need your DH to be strong for you, and he isn't and that's pishing you off (big time) - he's expecting you to do everything you've always done for the family. He's not figured out yet that all the domestic stuff plus going back to work full time and running the house/family is taking its toll on you. You need his help and by the sounds of it you're not going to get it unless you ask for it. Cos being a guy he just doesn't see it.

Sorry, I've not answered the question to the thread but like others on here I am not sure that really is the question you are asking.

[Sam]

I could have wrote that myself, I was exactly the same, and 19 months down the line I feel so much better in myself, my whole life has changed completely, everything about it from where I live to where my kids go to school etc (only thing the same is where I work) and I have met somebody who is 1000 times better than my ex, and I am a 42 year old mother of 3.

One thing that I have learnt out of the whole break up of my relationship with my ex, who was the father of my two youngest children is that life really is too short to waste with the wrong person, I was scared for years to leave but I am glad it ended. So what if i live in a housing association house, so what if I struggle each month moneywise, at least I am free from a relationship that I should have left years ago and was sucking the life out of me.

take care x

This really hits a nerve with me - almost exactly what I went through years ago. I stayed for so long because I dreaded the upset of leaving. It was hard but so with it, I wouldn't trade my life now for anything