OH is adamant our family is complete...

**Mrs Cheeso** · 26-09-2010, 03:49pm

....and I'm really struggling to accept it

I broached the subject when O was only a few months old and a fairly frank exchange confirmed that he absolutely does not want any more children and even though he knows I would, isn't even prepared to consider it as a possibility in the future. Unfortunately as the months have passed I'm getting more and more obsessed by the idea of having a 3rd even though I *know* Dh won't change his mind and I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
He's been pestering me to sell our baby stuff and I've been putting it off and yesterday Dh said "I know why you're putting it off but you need to get over it as I'll never change my mind on this" I just said "I know" and didn't mention it again and DH has no idea how much I'm struggling but I don't want to guilt trip him into anything so can't see the point in burdening him (IYSWIM)
It doesn't help that I know so many people with or having 3+ children

but please can anyone help me through this without spoiling what I've been blessed with (2 perfect boys and an otherwise amazing OH!!!)
MrsCx

***SarahR*** · 26-09-2010, 04:00pm

Mrs C, I know exactly where you are coming from. DH and I had a blazing row about this a week or so ago. I just cannot accept his reasons for not wanting a third, they just seem so lame compared with the way I feel. He in turn says that he just feels I go on and on about it (tbh I have been extremely careful not to for months now as I have been trying to move on. But all it is doing is internalising things and making me obsess about the idea).

I absolutely know where you are coming from, but I don't know how to help I'm afraid. One thing that we are doing is respite fostering for a child with special
needs. We have been on a break from this since having DD, but are
just starting to be paired up with a new child, and I am hoping that while
this obviously won't be the same as having a third child at all, it will fill some of the nuturing desire that I have right now. I don't know whether something like that would help you?

Sorry for the funny paragraphs, I am on my phone.

**Dink** · 26-09-2010, 04:05pm

I'm so sorry, and I've no idea what to say. Luckily, this is one subject dh and I have agreed on. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it would be to not agree. Can you try to focus on the positives of 2, or get a part-time job or something to keep you occupied elsewhere (not sure if you work or sahm) I work f/t and having 2 kids I find that the best birth control ever. I hope that doesn't come across terribly, I'm only saying that because if I didn't work I think I would probably have a yearning for a 3rd child.

***kate*** · 27-09-2010, 11:59am

Originally Posted by Mrs Cheeso

and yesterday Dh said "I know why you're putting it off but you need to get over it as I'll never change my mind on this" I just said "I know" and didn't mention it again and DH has no idea how much I'm struggling but I don't want to guilt trip him into anything so can't see the point in burdening him (IYSWIM)

Well ok, you don't want to "burden" him, but you are having to carry your own burden now. Perhaps you need to sit down and say to him that you KNOW he doesn't want another child, and it's not a conversation about persuading him to have another, but more of a conversation about exactly HOW you feel about it. Maybe if you got your feelings out you might feel a bit better (and also heard some of his reasons about not wanting another).

I just think in a case like this communication is the absolute key. I think if you don't say anything you breed resentment which will spill out somewhere. It is possible to have a convo about the feelings around this issue rather than actually deciding anything (depends on how open your Dh is about discussing stuff I suppose) and at least you'll both know the effect it's having on you both.

And if you did decide to have a go at Dh about having another, at least if you know his reasons for not wanting any more you can formulate unanswerable arguments for those reasons

(not now, but later on in the near future - I'm a great believer in softly softly catches monkey or whatever the phrase is

)

It must be heartbreaking to have differing views on this.

**DillyDally** · 27-09-2010, 12:00pm

I agree word for word with Kate

it must be so difficult.

***SarahR*** · 27-09-2010, 12:11pm

I agree with Kate too, you do need to talk about it. The row we had recently (which started over something different, a perfect example of resentment spilling out!) is our typical
situation. I did sit down with DH recently and explain that I was feeling sad about it, I couldn't help my feelings and I just wanted him to be aware, without putting pressure on him about it. And his did get a decent reception, he was very understanding and gave me a glimmer of hope.

I just don't know how ultimately the stalemate can be broken though.

**S-J** · 27-09-2010, 12:17pm

Me too. Over the years Ive gradually come to accept it (and Ive only got one child, DH just wont have another) and now kind of have peace with it - especially as the potential age gap gets bigger. Im finding it hard working and having just one also, so guess that has helped me come to terms with it.

its not easy.

We did have a chat about it about a year ago, DH adament he wont have another and I guess thats when I had to make my peace about the decision.

***SarahR*** · 27-09-2010, 12:19pm

Sorry, I can't edit now, but I meant that rowing about this is NOT our normal situation, I do normally try to discuss it sensibly.

**katkinn** · 27-09-2010, 12:38pm

oh love

I think kate's advice is brilliant. Otherwise I can imagine the resentment getting completely out of hand later down the line.

Maybe if you knew his real reasons (not sure if you do or not!) it would help with accepting it? And vice versa - does he really know how much this means to you. I guess it does depend on what his reasons are as to whether or not he could be persuaded.

On a positive note though, I really would say try and make the most of what you've got. There are a lot of people out there who would give their right arms to have two perfect little boys and would think that was more than enough for any family. You have SO much, I know that you do cherish it, but I would say go all out to completely make the most of what you do have.

For example there are so many different opportunities with two as opposed to three children - loads of advantages that I would be making the most of - there is so much it's so so difficult to do with three.

But that's easy for me to say as I've not been in that situation so I hope I haven't come across as trite.

Wishing you the best and hope you find some sort of peace.

**Mrs Cheeso** · 27-09-2010, 04:10pm

Originally Posted by *kate*

Well ok, you don't want to "burden" him, but you are having to carry your own burden now. Perhaps you need to sit down and say to him that you KNOW he doesn't want another child, and it's not a conversation about persuading him to have another, but more of a conversation about exactly HOW you feel about it. Maybe if you got your feelings out you might feel a bit better (and also heard some of his reasons about not wanting another).

I just think in a case like this communication is the absolute key. I think if you don't say anything you breed resentment which will spill out somewhere. It is possible to have a convo about the feelings around this issue rather than actually deciding anything (depends on how open your Dh is about discussing stuff I suppose) and at least you'll both know the effect it's having on you both.

I know you're right Kate but I'm scared

However I phrase it it just sounds like I'm trying to change his mind and much as I want another, I would hate to have him agree then resent me/the child.

Originally Posted by *SarahR*

I did sit down with DH recently and explain that I was feeling sad about it, I couldn't help my feelings and I just wanted him to be aware, without putting pressure on him about it. And his did get a decent reception, he was very understanding and gave me a glimmer of hope.
.

But is it just false hope? When we had the big debate about this DH rightly said he can tell me whatever I want to hear and whilst it might keep me off his back for a few months/years, it wouldn't be fair on either of us if there was never any trruth in it.

Originally Posted by katkinn

Maybe if you knew his real reasons (not sure if you do or not!) it would help with accepting it? And vice versa - does he really know how much this means to you. I guess it does depend on what his reasons are as to whether or not he could be persuaded.

The ridiculous thing is, I *know* his arguments makes total sense practically but it doesn't stop my heart overtaking my head

. We have an amazing family and our boys are total angels (honestly they are so easy), pregnancy does NOT suit me (SPD) and I dont' enjoy newborn stages oh, and did I mention I'm currently the sole earner whilst DH is SAHD getting a new business off the ground

Put it all down together and 'because I want to' is a bit of a piss poor argument in my defence and I do get all this, honestly I do but I can't change the way I feel.

I'll definitely have to chat to DH at some point as I feel like I'm harbouring a horrible little secret from him and it doesn't feel right. Thanks for your support

***kate*** · 27-09-2010, 04:41pm

Originally Posted by Mrs Cheeso

But is it just false hope? When we had the big debate about this DH rightly said he can tell me whatever I want to hear and whilst it might keep me off his back for a few months/years, it wouldn't be fair on either of us if there was never any trruth in it.

The ridiculous thing is, I *know* his arguments makes total sense practically but it doesn't stop my heart overtaking my head

. We have an amazing family and our boys are total angels (honestly they are so easy), pregnancy does NOT suit me (SPD) and I dont' enjoy newborn stages oh, and did I mention I'm currently the sole earner whilst DH is SAHD getting a new business off the ground

Put it all down together and 'because I want to' is a bit of a piss poor argument in my defence and I do get all this, honestly I do but I can't change the way I feel.

I'll definitely have to chat to DH at some point as I feel like I'm harbouring a horrible little secret from him and it doesn't feel right. Thanks for your support

At least he's being completely honest - you know I think we all - at some point - have said something to our OH's that keeps them off our back for a bit, and it's totally upfront of him to say that - respect to him for that.

It really doesn't sound as though he is going to change his mind

but at the same time, you've listened to his POV, and it is only fair that he listens to yours and knows your feelings too. And, as you say, it feels like you're keeping a secret from him (I completely get that feeling - I can't keep anything from my DH

) and that in itself is damaging.

Maybe you start the conversation by saying this isn't about either one of you bending to the other's POV and making a decision on it, but about listening to each other's feelings.

Also, I think you know the practical reasons not to have another baby - do you think this is something that might pass or is it a bit deeper seated?