Jealousy

[aklyja]

Hi
I am having real problems concerning my boyfriends ex. Despite her breaking up with him three years ago they remain good friends and it drives me up the wall.

I knew about his friendship with her right form the start and at the beginning of the relationship I didn't have a problem with it. But then when it was her birthday last year she invited my boyfriend and loads of other mates out for the evening. Now if I'm organising a night out with friends and I know that any of them are in a relationship I will invite the partner too. To not do so is rude. So was I invited? No.
I spent the entire evening and most of the night in floods of tears, panicking about what was happening. I was absolutely convinced that the reason I wasn't invited was because she wanted to get back together with him. Now every time he goes to see her I have the same fears.

My boyfriend has reassured me that that isn't going to happen and that they would never get back together.

This leads me to think that I was left out for one of three reasons. She's rude, she's lying to my boyfriend when she says that she likes me and excluded me because of this or she has the sensitivity and awareness of a brick. Surely anyone with even the slightest concern for the feelings of other people would realise that it would be perfectly normal for me to have concerns about their relationship.

I've told my boyfriend how I feel about her and he just dismisses my fears. He can get very defensive about their relationship and that makes me think that he still has feelings for her. He says that if I got to know her then I'd like her but as far as I'm concerned she had her chance and she blew it. When he tells me that I'm worrying about nothing it makes me think that my opinion doesn't matter to him and when he goes to see her knowing that it makes me upset its as if he doesn't care. I feel like he's picking her over me. I just wish I could make him see my point of view.

[aklyja]

Anyone? I really do need advice on this as I'm seriously considering leaving my boyfriend because of it.

[Jamtart]

Aw hunny :higgies: don't do anything as drastic as leaving your OH because of this... unless there is something else that would make you want to do that too!

I am quite rubbish at relationships so not sure what advice I could give you!

I would feel the same as you at not being invited to her party, I think its rude too! I also think it's insensitve of your OH to go without you, he should have taken you as well, or at least asked her why you werent invited and said you were going as a couple anyway!

I have never been in this situation but I think you need to tell you OH how you feel again and explain that it upsets you when you feel left out. They broke up 3 years ago so I doubt they would get back together, if he wanted to he would have done it by now.

I really hope you sort it out and it doens't end up with you leaving your OH :higgies:

[Soreya]

Oh Aklyja, I can imagine it s a horrible situation..but please don t do anything drastic! Men really don t get it sometimes and it can be genuine from him to think he s doing nothing wrong...but if it drives you nuts, of course you have to do something for yourself..
First, I don t really understand why your boyfriend went to that party while you weren t invited..I would be really upest too!
He really needs to understand how it makes you feel and take it into account...It doesn t matter if he thinks you are overreacting or not...the fact that you are clearly upset about it should be enough for him to show some concerns...
You don t have to meet his ex and try and get on with her if you don t want to...what does he expect? you two becoming best buddies?
I think your boyfriend maybe like the situation as it is and try and keep it that way cos it suits him best...
All you can do is bring the subject when you are both calm and have plenty of time..
Try and tell him exactly how you feel, what it makes you feel when you know he s with his ex, what you are ok with and what you don t accept..
If he refuses to change anything and wants to keep it that way...I suppose you are going to have to decide if you can carry on like that or not.
Good luck with all Aklyja!:smile:

[aklyja]

Thanks for the replies. I just don't know what to do for the best. Apart from this one issue everything between my bf and I is perfect and I know that it would be a pity to throw everything we have away over it but we just seem to be incapable of solving it. When I question his ex's motives about not inviting me he say's that there is no way that she would have done it out of spite and that because I don't believe him I'm questioning his judgement. That just makes me think that he doesn't value my opinion about it.

[Jamtart]

aw hunny :higgies: you really need to set time aside to talk about it calmly and properly! its obviously really cutting you up!

Maybe like soreya says he may think hes doing nothing wrong... men can be so :doh: sometimes!

[aklyja]

I would love to be able to discuss this calmly with my bf only as soon as I try he gets defensive about their relationship. He will insist that they are just friends and that she didn't act out of spite. As soon as he does this I accuss him of taking her side and that he still has feelings for her. We've done this argument so many times I'm sure we could go over it in our sleep and yet it never seems to be resolved.

[Kerzen]

Maybe try not mentioning her behaviour or motives - because it's his behaviour and motives that you're upset about isn't it? If you go attacking her it's understandable that he goes to defend her because she's his friend - it doesn't mean that he still has feelings for her. If you're not afraid they'll get back together then don't accuse him of it.

If it were me I'd sit him down and say I wanted to start again on the whole issue. Then I would discuss the things that were actually bothering me - ie feeling that he didn't take my feelings into consideration and seemed to be putting her first.

Because she may well be insensitive or rude or dislike you or even want back with him and your boyfriend may not see it. But here's nothing either of you can do even if any of those are true, and your problem's not with her behaviour, it's with his.

[aklyja]

I am scared that they'll get back together. I've been in a similar situation to him, I started going out with a good friend then we remained friends after we broke up. However because we went out together on a regular basis we got back together - admittedly it was for a grand total of 2 weeks - and once again when we broke up we stayed friends. After we got together and broke up for the third time I decided that enough was enough and haven't spoken to him since. I'm afraid that this is what is going to happen with my boyfriend, that he'll see her, remember the good times they had together and get back with her.

I know that I should trust him when he says that that will never happen but I find it very hard to trust people. When your first boyfriend threatens your family and the man you thought was your best friend tells you he loves you and then cheats it becomes hard to trust again.

[Kerzen]

But he's already told you it's not going to happen. And his situation is different from yours - you had no-one else in your life at the time, whereas he has you and if they were going to get back together in the same way you did they would have done it ages ago, before you came along. If everything's going well with you he has no reason to be nostalgic.

It must be awful to feel so insecure, and it's understandable given the events in your past, but it wasn't him who did those things and it would be very very wrong to punish him for them. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is your problem. By all means explain your concerns and try to get him to be more sensitive but don't hold him responsible for your issues.

[aklyja]

One of the reasons I'm finding it hard to trust him is because he knows how I feel about this, we've discussed in enough times and yet he still goes to see her. How can I trust someone who doesn't respect my feelings and who deliberately does things that he knows will upset me?

[Kerzen]

Because he knows your feelings are groundless? Because he's not willing to give up their friendship just because you say so? Because he feels 'got at' and is digging his heels in?

I do think he should respect your feelings but respect has to go both ways IMO. You should also respect his friendship and not think the worst of him.

You have discussed it alot, but not particularly productively by the sounds of it. If you could discuss it without blaming her, attacking or acusing him and acknowledge that it is mostly your inability to trust that is causing the problems you would get on alot better I think.

[aklyja]

But the problem isn't just my inability to trust, it's also his inability to see my point of view. And if he loves me as much as he claims to then why is he picking her over me? If he really does want to spend the rest of his life with me then surely I should come first.

[tekkencat]

sorry to put a spanner in the works but imo you are not going to get what you want - he has a right to friends exs or not (whether they like you or you like them) you are making him choose and if you carry on pushing him you will have nothing and he will still have a friend in his ex

i think its time to grow up and accept

[Kerzen]

I do think he should see your point of view and take it into consideration. But I don't think he even knows what your point of view is because all your conversations on the matter have turned into fights. And nobody is particularly willing to concede or compromise when they feel got at. Which is why I keep recommending that you talk this through calmly - highlighting the real issues.

And he's not picking her over you. You're afraid he'll pick her over you and leave you for her but all he's doing at the moment is continuing a friendship and standing up for his friend's character in the face of what he probably sees as an unprovoked and unfair attack. I'm not trying to get at you, just trying to illustrate that their are different ways of looking at this.

And yes, you should come first. but that doesn't mean that all your whims should be catered for, all you issues pandered to and your fears allowed to control the actions of those around you. You've already admitted that this has very little to do with him, and more to do with your inability to trust due to events in your past. Is that the kind of thing you want your relationship to be based around? Because even if he never sees her again what's to say you won't get insecure about something else in the future?

[aklyja]

I know I can't win in this issue, that's why I'm seriously considering calling it a day.

[Kerzen]

But you can't do that everytime a partner gets into a situation that might possibly be construed as suspiscious! Sooner or later you are going to have to deal with your insecurity.

[aklyja]

I don't know how to deal with it though. Maybe if my boyfriend made me feel more secure in our relationship then I would be able to trust him but how can I when he does things which show me that he doesn't care.

[Soreya]

Aklyja....you probably don t know how to deal with it cos it s a new situation so you will have to learn...that s do-able.
I really don t think he doesn t care, I think he s like you and doesn t know how to deal with it.
He probably could show more concerns but it doesn t mean he has to do anything you say cos you have problems to trust due to your past...you have to deal with that sooner than later or it will affect this relationship more and more and any other you might have..
He s not responsible for your past...you are not responsible for what happened either but you will have to deal with it and not make the lack of trust beeing part of who you are...
I think you should forget about the party thing, there s no point coming back to it anymore with your BF...
I m still friend with my ex and we see each other frequently.
I think our friendship is genuine cos we get on great as friends but both now we are not meant to be tog.
Since he has a girlfriend, I became a bit more distant cos I know how it feels for a girl..I know my ex is totally in love with this girl, he respects her and defo. doesn t want to hurt her in any way....but still, he doesnt understand why she reacts like that when I m around and trust me he is genuine...they used to have some huge rows last time I went to visit his parents(we have a son tog so I can t just disappear) she keeps calling, asking where i am ,what i am doing and is really worried.
I really can see her point of view and wouldn t do anything to cause trouble and now just take my son, stay a couple of days as they live abroad and leave whever before, I could be there for 10 days...
Whenever she talks about it and they get into an argument, my ex get really angry and says he can t just stop seeing me cos she asks so as there s nothing but friendship between us.I always have to remind him how it must feel for her and tell him to be more understanding cos he just see it as a form of 'nagging' and try and control him...It causes a lot of unnecessary tension between them as we really are friends, nothing else..i don t want him back and he doesn t either...If we didn t have a child we would defo. just keep in touch too cos we get on but that' it!
Men hate beeing told what to do and if appart' from that you get on, I really think you should try and work on your lack of trust.
It s hard but defo. woth it as you can t carry insecurities from the past without them damaging your new relationship..