Are you comfortable with looking "hot" even if you have a OH?

[book_lover]

I've just realised what major issues I have with this... I am making a concerted effort to look and feel good, ironing my clothes, wearing tops that flatter instead of boring ones. I've lost weight recently too. I am starting to put a bit of make up on and accessorize. I like to look good.

BUT for me it is all tangled in with looking "hot" or "sexy". Now I like to think I do sometimes look these things - I love getting compliments, which doesn't mean for a second I would cheat or don't love my husband. BUT I clearly get all these things tangled up and confused, and am maybe not as comfy as I should be with my own femininity.

For instance, part of me wants to look feminine and nice (and I guess, attractive) to go to work, but then I think "why is that?" and give myself a hard time about it as I work with mostly men (and a couple a very pretty let me tell thee!).

And, sometimes I get all dressed up and think I look great (e.g. to go out for a meal with friends) but then I feel awkward about it. Some of my male friends are so used to seeing me in jeans and crumpled tops that I feel awkward if it is a different me - and like I will be making them feel awkward (e.g. if I am wearing heels or showing a bit of cleavage). Especially the more down to earth ones. I guess none of this is helped by an incident with one male friend making comment about my nice "assets".

So why am I so ucomfy with all of this? At the same time I like to get complimented. All this became clear to me when I posted about not wanting to wear wedges or heels to work in case the male colleagues thought I was trying to get in their pants!

I just want to point out that a) I also like my hubbie to think I look nice, but he is the MOST used to seeing the slobby me and it becomes easier! and b) that I do not think I am "hot" - just look at my sig pic - just that when the effort is made I can scrub up ok. Just wanted to talk it through with you as I clearly have confused issues about this.

So please, girls, discuss! But it may be easier if you have always had a very feminine image - I am wanting to switch to a more feminine one which is half of the problem I think

xxx

[clowe74]

I like to look nice for my benefit and no one elses but I am one of those people who really dont care what anyone thinks about me.

If you are worried about going from down to earth to "hot" why not do it gradually.

Start with a nice top with your jeans first for a while then add the heels and accesories that way its not going to be a huge change all at once.

[book_lover]

clowe that is an excellent idea. I guess, also, it's weird being in an office where most of them are men, and the other woman is very casually dressed too. It's quite often the way in academia.

xxx

[book_lover]

ps not sure if I regret the term "hot" now. You know what I mean though. Are us little wifies meant to look attractive or dowdy once we've been married off? :teehee:

xxx

[Julesb]

I was going to suggest the same as clowe 74, increase your hottiness (sorry i know that isn't a word but YKWIM) over a period of time and then it might not seem such a shock to your system.

I don't ever question if i'm appearing hot or not to other people, i dress for me and that's what i feel is the most important thing.

[book_lover]

I know it makes me sound really bad doesn't it - I admit freely that I often worry what impression I am making on others - with what I do, what I say, how I look etc. I even know what this is called - high level of social identity orientation. I am a social psychologist and my PhD is all about this! So I wish I could say it wasn't true but it is!

xxx

[lucypede]

I'm afraid I'm one of those annoying try-hard-to be feminine types, I ALWAYS have lippy on, even if i'm not leaving the house, and even put a makeup bag in my labour bag,(didn't get to use it tho, but that a different story...:grin: ) Wouldnt be seen dead in trainers. I'm no pyschologist,can't even spell it, but I do wonder if these things depend on what our own mums are like. my mum always wears makeup an dresses nicely too, and as young children my sister and Ialways used to put her makeup all over our faces! But I think its also about how comfortable you are in your own skin, I dress in a feminine way and doll myself up because thats how I feel comfortable. If it makes you feel uncomfortable at work, don't feel you have to. What made you decide you should start dressing differently at work - did you ever get negative comments about it before? sorry if I'm not much help! :oops:

[book_lover]

hi lucypede

I bet you always look lovely!

TBH I am just sick and tired of looking a) like a total mess and b) unfeminine. I know I can look quite nice and that when I do, it makes me feel better about myself. It's just that when I do make the effort, I then worry that people think I am trying too hard (see above for paranoia on this!). Maybe being a psychologist paired with caring a lot what impression I make on others results in an overactive mind regarding said issue. (I often find myself coming up with various theories about how things I do and say affect other people, what they will deduce from it etc. It is the thinking-equivalent of verbal diaorrhea - my mind goes into overdrive!)

Also, I am due to finish my PhD soon and am trying to convince them to give me a job. I feel that (although it is academia and people do tend to dress quite casually) I need to be a bit more grown up, have ironed clothes and be well turned out etc.

xxx

[Henrietta Figg]

I look awful without make-up, so I have to wear this as my skin is not good enough to go bare-faced, I'm blonde so my eyes disappear without make-up, so I'm used to it and I don't think twice about this.

I love clothes, my OH despairs of me sometimes as I've got so many. When I first had my children, I went though a short phase of being more mumsy in my style of dress, this was not a conscious decision however, I just felt more grown-up and dressed more maturely. This didn't last long and I now try to dress more casually/funkily. I am fairly feminine in my style, I detest trainers, hoodie and combats, I prefer skirts and jeans with nice tops and own loads of shoes, sandals, boots, bags, coats/scarves and boho/chunky jewellery. Sometimes I look hot!!

[lucypede]

So you're just growing up!! But seriousyl, its such a burden to carry when you over-analyse things - I must admit I'm guilty of that too. When you sit back and get some perspective, you do realise tho that no-one else analyses you like you do to yourself - they are wrapped up in their own inner probs! Admit it - do you look at other people in the same way you look at yourself?

[book_lover]

no way Lucypede! I care a lot about the people I am around (the ones I like anyway :wink:) and so I notice if they seem down etc. I also notice if they have made an effort, are wearing a nice shirt etc. and am not afraid to tell them if I like what they are wearing. And no, I never assume they are doing it to impress me or get in my pants! So why am I so paranoid then?

I think it's just that it's been a while that I have bothered much about my appearance on a day to day basis, my hubbie doesn't really care one way or the other (in fact if I was too dressed up he would hate it - he doesn't go for that kind of gal) so it's become so easy to be tom boyish. So now, after having been with him for over 10 years, I am starting to try to be feminine again, it's brought up confused feelings about whether it is ok to make an effort to look "pretty" when this behaviour (psychologist hat back on!) is often used to attract a mate, and I already have one! Also is it ok to appreciate comments, if they are from men - if you have a partner! It's just got me thinking about all these things, that is all (in a wider context not just where I work)

Gawd I bet you all think I am a bit :loco:

xxx

[Henrietta Figg]

Hi Book Lover,

I didn't answer your question properly did I?:oops: I think it's fine to look hot and take compliments from people, male or female, I always compliment people on their hair, clothes etc.

I know that I give off an 'unavailable' aura to men, colleagues have told me:lol: so it's fine to look attractive and sexy when you are a married mother. After all, we are only young once!

[lucypede]

No your not loco - you even said yourself it was asking about cropped trousers that got you thinking in the first place!!! OH's are notoriously c**p at noticing any effort we make anyway. I'm sure its fine to get compliments from other men - they prob mean it so innocently, maybe they feel comfortable saying it to you if you've always dressed equal to them, they see you as equal, IYSWIM. If you're uncomfy with it, just play it down with the old "oh I've had it for ages" or "I wore it all last week/month too" lines. Any good?

[Princess Fiona]

No i wouldn't be comfortable with looking "hot" but then i wouldn't know because the last time i looked hot was over 2 years ago.

Since i got pg my self esteem has gone away and doesn't look like its set to return. I hated the way my body changed during pregnancy and i felt a fat frump and so dressed accordingly.

I haven't really gotten much better since Lu came along and live in jeans, crew neck tshirts and flat shoes or boots.

On the 3/4 occasions we've been to parties over the last 18 months i've worn the same outfit each time, very plain, trousers and a plain vneck top (with a vest underneat to hide the vile stretchmarks on my boobs :-( ) and a pair of heels, which i always feel really uncomfortable in.

When we went away in March i borrowed clothes from my Step Mum because i didn't have enough "going out" stuff to last me 16 nights :oops: and i felt really consious in some of the stuff. My step Mum is the same age as my Dh (34) and dresses quite "sexily" and tbh 1/2 the stuff she borrowed to me i wouldn't have worn before i had Lucy.

I'd love to look like a yummy mummy but everytime i try and make a bit of an effort i feel like i'm trying too hard and that people will think i'm "overdressed" because i'm JUST a Mummy.

I have NO fashion sense whatsoever and have no idea whats IN or OUT of fashion. I go looking for clothes round the shops and always end up coming back with dark bootleg jeans and a brown tshirt and its getting boring. I'm crap with accessories as they make me feel overdressed too.

I need a real kick up the backside and a huge wedge of wonga so i can go shopping and glam myself up, but the latter isn't going to happen so for now i'll wallow in my own self pit in my brown tshirt and flats :rolleyes:

[Daffodil]

I work in academia too, and whilst a lot of women go for the casual look, there are also a quite a few who wear smart clothes. I generally go for the slightly more smart than the students look; but above all I like to be comfortable. So in the winter it's smartish trousers, boots and shirts/v/necks, depending on the weather. I don't do it to look 'hot' but I like to look professional.

Maybe you could divide your looks into casual; work and going out, rather than trying to look 'hot' all the time?

Daffodil

[book_lover]

Maybe you could divide your looks into casual; work and going out, rather than trying to look 'hot' all the time?

Daffodil

:laugh: I'm not trying to look "hot" at work Daffodil! I made the wrong choice of word when I posted - sorry. I'm just trying to look nicer, better presented, a bit more switched on and like I've actually made an effort. But the whole thing got me thinking about things like nights out where I do actually wear things that make me feel a bit (dare I say) "sexy" - and that got me thinking about my issues regarding this and being in a relationship.

Making more of an effort for me involves looking more feminine, which makes me feel better. Which is why I then started to wonder what my male colleagues would think (silly really cos they probably aint even noticed!!).

Another thing, I think I get mistaken for a student a lot (well I AM one, a post grad but I mean an undergrad who isn't part of a team here etc.) and I want to change that and seem a bit more professional.

xxx

[book_lover]

No i wouldn't be comfortable with looking "hot" but then i wouldn't know because the last time i looked hot was over 2 years ago.

Since i got pg my self esteem has gone away and doesn't look like its set to return. I hated the way my body changed during pregnancy and i felt a fat frump and so dressed accordingly.

I haven't really gotten much better since Lu came along and live in jeans, crew neck tshirts and flat shoes or boots.

On the 3/4 occasions we've been to parties over the last 18 months i've worn the same outfit each time, very plain, trousers and a plain vneck top (with a vest underneat to hide the vile stretchmarks on my boobs :-( ) and a pair of heels, which i always feel really uncomfortable in.

When we went away in March i borrowed clothes from my Step Mum because i didn't have enough "going out" stuff to last me 16 nights :oops: and i felt really consious in some of the stuff. My step Mum is the same age as my Dh (34) and dresses quite "sexily" and tbh 1/2 the stuff she borrowed to me i wouldn't have worn before i had Lucy.

I'd love to look like a yummy mummy but everytime i try and make a bit of an effort i feel like i'm trying too hard and that people will think i'm "overdressed" because i'm JUST a Mummy.

I have NO fashion sense whatsoever and have no idea whats IN or OUT of fashion. I go looking for clothes round the shops and always end up coming back with dark bootleg jeans and a brown tshirt and its getting boring. I'm crap with accessories as they make me feel overdressed too.

I need a real kick up the backside and a huge wedge of wonga so i can go shopping and glam myself up, but the latter isn't going to happen so for now i'll wallow in my own self pit in my brown tshirt and flats :rolleyes:

sweetie your post has really moved me, I feel so sad for you, because I've seen pics of you and think you are a really pretty girl. I didn't know your self-esteem was so low. You need a makeover hun! Would you go on a makeover programme or get a makeover done by a magazine or something? (just suggesting that because otherwise you need a bit of cash!)

xxx

[Sparkly]

BL I honestly HONESTLY can't believe you have any dilemma about whether it's important to care for your appearance once you're married. Just look at the number of women who let themselves go after marriage/children. TBH I think it's all about respect for a. yourself & b. your partner. I make just as much effort as I always did, in fact probably more as it's harder to look good with a toddler at your heels trying to steal your lipstick/hairbrush/handbag/shoes... I really do think it's important though. I've had most of a bottle of wine mind you so I'll quit while I'm behind.

[book_lover]

hehe! I do agree. Thing is though, DH doesn't make an effort! I got him some really nice clothes for his birthday so am looking forward to seeing him in them (from Monsoon Men), but we're notoriously can't-be-arsed types (although I now CAN be arsed). Yes, I want to look nice for him, but also for myself.

I am feeling funny about this thread now, a bit embarassed or something. Because my basic issue was, is it ok to get all dressed up when you are in a relationship even if it draws attention from other men? I am not implying I am hot hot, but I'm not a minger (lovely word!) either, and I have been known to get the occasional compliment. I usually just accept them graciously but part of me feels a certain guilt with it..... but maybe this is silly and DH would actually be pleased rather than p*ssed off.

Today though I am thinking "what was I on yesterday?" of course it is ok to look nice, nobody says that getting married means wearing a nuns habit. I think I was a bit :loco: yesterday!

xxx

[clowe74]

Without sounding a bit of a tart when I go out with friends round the pubs or whatever I always seem to have a qute low cut top on that does show a lot of cleavage (but not too much) and if I do receive any male attention, even though I would never do anything about it, it does give you a big confidence boost.

I got "chatted up" by some random male the other weekend whrn out and although it was just a laugh and everything its nice to know Ive still got it!!

[Verry Raspberry]

I'm glad you've come to your senses, BL! :lol:

I agree, the fact that you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you shouldn't make an effort to look good, because I don't think that the only reason for looking good is to attract a mate, it's sad to see people letting themselves go after they settle down, since to me, it seems that they don't care anymore, and that's really sad, istn't it? :no:

[Kerzen]

Glad to read you've got it sorted out in your head. I dress much nicer now then when I was single, never worry about compliments or wonder what people think I'm up to. If they misconstrue my behaviour that's their problem. I like to look nice, my oh likes me to look nice, I like my oh to look nice and we are both utterly chuffed and smug if the other gets complimented/hit on.

[book_lover]

we are both utterly chuffed and smug if the other gets complimented/hit on.

you see this is maybe where I've been going wrong. I thought that DH would be miffed/jealous etc. if this happened, but actually maybe not, maybe it might remind him that I'm a catch (or, I hope I am!). Come to think of it if it happened that someone complimented him I would be chuffed!

I do admit to getting a buzz if I get a compliment, or get "the look" etc. when out. I've always felt this wasn't right/felt guilty, but as you say Clowe, it's just nice to know you still "have it"! Just as a confidence boost!

xxx

[bisy backson]

i was also going to say that mr backson loves it if i get complimented or chatted up but i'm not sure that'sthe norm!

i love dressing up and looking good (although not particularly easy at the mo) but after i had splash and lost loads of weight i was damn well going to show of whatever i had (which admittedly wasn't a lot that wasn't floppy or wrinkly but there you go)

glad you've got this sorted now though bookie, i always look enviously at women with children (partiuclarly young children) who look glam/funky/stylish/hot whatever and it inspires me to want to look like them.

which i will do.

at some point....

bbxx

[book_lover]

in my mind you are both funky and glam bb. I must have seen a pic of you at some point... you need to give yourself a break for a wee while though when you've had your baby. But then you'll know that from Splash!

xxx

[ms sweetcheeks]

Hhmm, IMO it's 100% ok to look hot and sexy even if your married and have kids.
I've always made an effort since I can remember, so for other people it's not weird when I push the pram with high heels, full makeup & done hair:grin: cos that's how i've always done it.
Someone said it may stem from what your mother is like, but I can throw that theory out the window as my mum has NEVER worn makeup, dyed or done her hair and she always wears casual clothes (although she DOES loves shopping like me)..

Ermm what else..

I got wholf whistled today walking to my NCT mummy group, by 2 young-ish men cleaning windows, and I was quite embarrased, but then I always got embarrased when men shouted at me in the streets etc, it's no different now..
The only thing I find odd, is that they do it, even though I am pushing a pram.

I guess the reason I personally always make an effort is mainly because it gives me a confidence boost when people at work comment on my looks or people at the party/club/wherever really. I do it for my o/h but not so much, as he really doesn't mind how I look firs thing in the morning..

I think it's perfectly normal to want to look sexy and good, just so you can feel good inside, in my eyes, it has nothing to do with wanting to get into bed with someone- the thought never even crossed my mind.

One thing that sometimes surprises me is my o/h.. When he dresses up to go out, and I compliment him he always says "well I have to keep up with you"..:lol:
And if he is scruffy after doing DIY and we're going somewhere he'll insist on showering, because he doesn't want me to think he's letting himself go now, just becos he's in a relationship with me..
So he mainly does it for me, whereas I certainly mainly do it for me..

Anyway, I think you should keep dressing sexily- it certainly keeps my o/h on his toes (he thinks I could have anybody-YEAH RIGHT)......

Errm and now I'm just rambling:tongue:

[ms sweetcheeks]

Just read a post I missed before, which reminded me of something..

When I'm out without the baby, and a man eyes me up, I find it SOOOOO ODD, as in my mind I look like a mum, now that I am one, but my o/h says I don't look like someone who is a mum, I just look like I did before.
I just find it weird that I have no visual thing that tells people I'm a mother- like a big war wound or something:wink:

but it's nice as someone said to know you've still got "it":ellie:

[Narcissa Malfoy]

Bookie - I too am someone else who dresses for myself - I always have done though. I think the secret is to find what you like and feel happy in - not what you think looks "hot" or "trendy". If you feel best in jeans then work around that for instance. Wear a wrap dress - but over jeans then eventaully you will feel comfortable enough to wear it on its own for example.

Just be happy and comfortable with what you wear - that will shine through!

Good on you for getting compliments!!!!

[Sparkly]

Glad you feel more positive chic. I think it's easy to stick with what you're used to, but sometimes sticking your neck out & daring to be different can give you a real buzz. I don't turn heads like I used to, but that's cos I'm older now, not that I've let myself go. My sister told me today that I still turn lots of heads but I don't know if it's true cos I rarely notice!