Dancing Queen
11-05-2006, 05:54pm
OK, where to start :puzzled: Sorry this is SO long, I need to give you the full story I’m afraid.
My Mum and Dad split when I was 18mths old. From that point, I never saw him, he never paid any maintenance to my Mum (despite having a great job) and we struggled for years. But as far as I was concerned, I didn't remember him, and I couldn't miss what I'd never had, so I never thought much about him.
Fast forward 18 years, and one day in 1999, I walked past him in the town centre (with his wife – I’ll call her A - and 2 kids, who I knew about). I didn't dare approach him in case he didn't want to know, but after that, I kicked myself every day for not doing so.
A few months later (Nov 99), I got wind that he was moving back to our home town, to manage a brand new pub. I found out the name of the pub, and therefore the brewery, and left voicemails with the area manager, explaining who I was, and that I wanted to get in touch with my Dad. I never heard anything from him, but then a couple of weeks later, a friend of mine invited me out for a drink after work. It turned into a bit of a sesh, and as we were leaving the pub at 11pm, there was my Dad, leaving at the same time, with loads of people (who turned out to be his new staff).
I stood and stared at him walking down the road, not knowing what to do. He drove off, but then stopped, and A got out of the car. She walked up to me and asked me if I was Susan, and when I said yes, she asked if my Dad could come see me. I said yes to that too. It was a bit weird, and awkward, but we hugged, swapped numbers, he told me about my brother and sister (then aged 2 and 4) and arranged to meet the following week.
So I went for a meal with him and A, and we chatted about the past, avoiding the subject of what happened when I was little, and why he hadn’t stayed in touch. I was too afraid of losing him to say anything controversial.
The following week, this new pub of his opened, and my then-boyfriend and I went to the pre-opening trial run. As Dad was busy, A stayed with us all eve. I knew that her and my Mum knew each other before Mum & Dad split, and had never got on, and after my Dad and A got together, there had been a big fight at a pub, and A had started on my Mum. It was split up in the end. This particular night, A was asking me about my Mum, and then she said “yeah, and I remembered the night when I decked her, ha ha ha”. I was absolutely furious, but again, I didn’t have the guts to say anything in case I lost Dad again before I knew him. (It’d be a different story now, I can tell you.) That’s something I’ll never forgive her for, but little did I know then, that she was a conniving, stirring, jealous, and vindictive excuse for a woman.
Anyway, I made the effort to get on with her, and never had any real problems, although my friends did, but they accepted that I wasn’t a part of that. So all was fine and dandy, and apart from not contacting me very often, and being more like a mate than a Dad, we got on really well. I did see him messing around with my bro and sis, and it always got me a bit, and made me wonder why he hadn’t wanted that relationship with me.
The thing that particularly bugs me is that for the 4 years I lived in Portsmouth before Elise was born, he never visited me once, but I was up there every single month. Then, when Elise was born, he came down the day after I came out of hospital, and then again 3 mths later for her christening.
When we found out I was pg, he was soooo happy for us, I thought he might start crying!
The current problem came in July of last year. I was going to a family wedding up north, and stayed at my Mums the night before, as it was halfway. I arranged to see Dad on the Monday, which he said was fine. Then, when I text him on the Sunday, he said he couldn’t see me as he was working, and he thought I was bang out of order for not going to see them – even though he knew I’d be in Liverpool all weekend. Grrrrrr!!! I told him how it was, and then asked him if we could come see him during his lunch hour, and he said he’d contact me and let me know. He didn’t. So I text him on our way back home, and said “Thanks for letting us know, you obviously really wanted to see us.”
To be honest, he’s such a nice, placid, easy-going person, that I wouldn’t be surprised if A was dictating everything to him, out of sheer jealousy.
That was the last I’d heard from him. There has been no contact from him to Elise – no Christmas card, and not even a first birthday card. I can’t believe someone would do that to their first and only grand-child.
But the more I think about it, the more I need to know why he deserted me at 18mths. Especially being a parent now, and if Nick and I were to split when Elise was 18 mths, there’s no way on this earth he’d ever desert her, she’s his whole world. So it makes me think even less of him. I don’t know what I’m asking really, but I feel the need to write him a big long letter, blurting out everything, asking questions I need answers to, etc, to see if it will make or break the relationship. I know this has been a contributing factor in my depression, and I need to do something. I know that writing all this down will help.
If you’ve got this far, you deserve a medal, thanks so much for reading.
My Mum and Dad split when I was 18mths old. From that point, I never saw him, he never paid any maintenance to my Mum (despite having a great job) and we struggled for years. But as far as I was concerned, I didn't remember him, and I couldn't miss what I'd never had, so I never thought much about him.
Fast forward 18 years, and one day in 1999, I walked past him in the town centre (with his wife – I’ll call her A - and 2 kids, who I knew about). I didn't dare approach him in case he didn't want to know, but after that, I kicked myself every day for not doing so.
A few months later (Nov 99), I got wind that he was moving back to our home town, to manage a brand new pub. I found out the name of the pub, and therefore the brewery, and left voicemails with the area manager, explaining who I was, and that I wanted to get in touch with my Dad. I never heard anything from him, but then a couple of weeks later, a friend of mine invited me out for a drink after work. It turned into a bit of a sesh, and as we were leaving the pub at 11pm, there was my Dad, leaving at the same time, with loads of people (who turned out to be his new staff).
I stood and stared at him walking down the road, not knowing what to do. He drove off, but then stopped, and A got out of the car. She walked up to me and asked me if I was Susan, and when I said yes, she asked if my Dad could come see me. I said yes to that too. It was a bit weird, and awkward, but we hugged, swapped numbers, he told me about my brother and sister (then aged 2 and 4) and arranged to meet the following week.
So I went for a meal with him and A, and we chatted about the past, avoiding the subject of what happened when I was little, and why he hadn’t stayed in touch. I was too afraid of losing him to say anything controversial.
The following week, this new pub of his opened, and my then-boyfriend and I went to the pre-opening trial run. As Dad was busy, A stayed with us all eve. I knew that her and my Mum knew each other before Mum & Dad split, and had never got on, and after my Dad and A got together, there had been a big fight at a pub, and A had started on my Mum. It was split up in the end. This particular night, A was asking me about my Mum, and then she said “yeah, and I remembered the night when I decked her, ha ha ha”. I was absolutely furious, but again, I didn’t have the guts to say anything in case I lost Dad again before I knew him. (It’d be a different story now, I can tell you.) That’s something I’ll never forgive her for, but little did I know then, that she was a conniving, stirring, jealous, and vindictive excuse for a woman.
Anyway, I made the effort to get on with her, and never had any real problems, although my friends did, but they accepted that I wasn’t a part of that. So all was fine and dandy, and apart from not contacting me very often, and being more like a mate than a Dad, we got on really well. I did see him messing around with my bro and sis, and it always got me a bit, and made me wonder why he hadn’t wanted that relationship with me.
The thing that particularly bugs me is that for the 4 years I lived in Portsmouth before Elise was born, he never visited me once, but I was up there every single month. Then, when Elise was born, he came down the day after I came out of hospital, and then again 3 mths later for her christening.
When we found out I was pg, he was soooo happy for us, I thought he might start crying!
The current problem came in July of last year. I was going to a family wedding up north, and stayed at my Mums the night before, as it was halfway. I arranged to see Dad on the Monday, which he said was fine. Then, when I text him on the Sunday, he said he couldn’t see me as he was working, and he thought I was bang out of order for not going to see them – even though he knew I’d be in Liverpool all weekend. Grrrrrr!!! I told him how it was, and then asked him if we could come see him during his lunch hour, and he said he’d contact me and let me know. He didn’t. So I text him on our way back home, and said “Thanks for letting us know, you obviously really wanted to see us.”
To be honest, he’s such a nice, placid, easy-going person, that I wouldn’t be surprised if A was dictating everything to him, out of sheer jealousy.
That was the last I’d heard from him. There has been no contact from him to Elise – no Christmas card, and not even a first birthday card. I can’t believe someone would do that to their first and only grand-child.
But the more I think about it, the more I need to know why he deserted me at 18mths. Especially being a parent now, and if Nick and I were to split when Elise was 18 mths, there’s no way on this earth he’d ever desert her, she’s his whole world. So it makes me think even less of him. I don’t know what I’m asking really, but I feel the need to write him a big long letter, blurting out everything, asking questions I need answers to, etc, to see if it will make or break the relationship. I know this has been a contributing factor in my depression, and I need to do something. I know that writing all this down will help.
If you’ve got this far, you deserve a medal, thanks so much for reading.