View Full Version : God, this marriage lark is hard...
Lindsay Loo Brush
Somedays i really wonder if i can keep this going with such a passive husband.
In what way is he passive?
Lindsay Loo Brush
He just doesnt see that things are hard work sometimes and that we both have to make an effort.
I work so hard to make him happy and he barely even listens to me anymore.
Everytime i try to talk about it with him, i end up crying and he is horrid to me, really awful...
He's stressed about stuff, and i know im hard work, but honestly, i just feel so small and worthless.
How long have you been married?
Without sounding too nosey, what is it exactly that he is passive about that is bothering so much? Is it just small little things of something fundamentally wrong that affects your happiness?
I believe that partners tend two have 2 types of annoying personality habits and negative character traits. Those that you can live with and those you can't.
I know it sounds a bit simplistic but it's true!
I may be able to live with someone who is not very adventurous but other people would find it suffocating for example. In couples the important thing is how you react to the other person and how the two personalities complement each other, or at least don't annoy the hell out of the other.
Actually my partner can be a bit passive as well and it drives me insane! He tends to accept his lot in life, if you see what I mean whereas I always try to be a but more positive and think that you *can* change things.
ETA sorry just read your answer
Lindsay Loo Brush
Im not sure passive is the right word, it was just the first to spring to mind.
I now feel awful for talking about him like this..
We have been married almost 2 years, and together for 6. The things that are upsetting me are things like me talking with him, and him not even bothering to answer and then when i bring it up as an issue he says sorry and thats it...he doesnt try and fix problems really, just says insincere "sorries" and then does the same thing over and over again.
Obviously, i love the pants off him, but things are hard for us atm, probably the hardest they have ever been and to be honest, i wonder if i can emigrate to the other side of the world( planned for december) with someone who upsets me this much.
:hugs: oh LLB!!!
I'm not sure what to say really... I am an arguer and tend not to shut up until I am happy with the outcome so I know what I would do... although this probably won't work for you.
You need to try to get him to talk to you about it... explain to him how you are feeling and your concerns about emigrating when you feel like this... maybe he just doesnt want to argue so he reacts the way he does because of that.
Have you thought about relate? you can go alone if your DH won't attend and it may help you!
I really hope you sort it out :hugs:
Oh, I see. From what you say it doesn't sound like a part of his personality doing your head in and i assume that he hasnt always been like this.
You've been together for 6 years, maybe he is taking you for granted a bit, feels a bit bored and doesnt feel he has to make an effort anymore?
we went through something like this after being together for five years. We got married last year on our tenth anniversary so we are living proof that relationships can survive some pretty rough stuff.
I would think twice about emigrating with him if you are unhappy with the situation as it is. As someone living in a foreign country, I can assure you that starting again is quite hard and you are both going to need a lot of support from each other.
Have you spoken about this seriously with him? sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to realise that what they are doing is hurting someone else.
i really hope you sort it and its just a bit of a patch and things improve soon!
The things that are upsetting me are things like me talking with him, and him not even bothering to answer and then when i bring it up as an issue he says sorry and thats it...he doesnt try and fix problems really, just says insincere "sorries" and then does the same thing over and over again.
Are you married to my husband?
This sounds exactly like conversations I have with my best mate about our husbands ! I agree with Matilde though that there are those negative qualities you can live with and those that you just can't.
My DH drives me to distraction at times ! I said to him a few weeks ago that I felt that I was totally in the driving seat while he was happy to sit back and be driven. I felt I had to arrange everything and was putting more effort in than him. It took a couple of big rows and a night in the spare room to get it sorted but I'm hoping that we're getting there.
I actually think you, Lola and myself are all married to the same bloke :laff:
I actually think you, Lola and myself are all married to the same bloke :laff:No wonder he's so passive - he's knackered!
Just to make you feel a bit better about him - I'm married to the pole opposite type and it drives me mental sometimes :hissyfit:
I honestly sometimes wish he would just say ' oh I'm sorry you've got a headache' end of (or whatever) instead of his version which is 'OK, take these neurofen then I'm taking you to the doctor who's going to give you a brainscan (not that they'd find anything) and then I've booked you in at the cranial osteopath... you get the picture.
I suppose we're never really happy - but a happy medium would be nice sometimes
Lindsay Loo Brush
Still not feeling great about this, but i just feel so rubbish and helpless. I have tried so many times to have serious talks with him and things are discused, in a fashion, but nothing resolved.
Have you thought about trying marriage counselling?
It's in that type of enivronment that useful communicating gets done. Also, if you suggested it, he might start to take your worries seriously.
Lindsay Loo Brush
I havent suggested it yet, mainly becasue i think it might be a bad idea. He doesnt like to be critisised, and i think it might ultimatly make things worse.
But you could explain that it's about you, not just him.
He may not like to be criticised (who does?) but ultimately that seems to be part of the problem, and do you really want it to jeopardise your marriage?
Marriage counselling is about both sides having their say, not just one side ranting abut the other.
When im pissed at Simon he will always say sorry and act like thats the end of it, 2 hrs later hes doing the same again :doh:
Hey LLB, how are things going with your DH at the moment? It sounded on your other thread like he was being more supportive.
i wonder if i can emigrate to the other side of the world( planned for december) with someone who upsets me this much.
Please please please talk to him and sort this out before you make such a huge move. I wish I had spoken to my DH more before we emigrated (2mths ago, only got offered the job 5mths ago). Things had been steadily going wrong between us for a good few months and I didn't know whether I still wanted to be with him.
Fast-forward to now and I am in Australia with him and DD and worry every second of every day that I have made a huge mistake.
Please, try and work on things before you emigrate. Emigrating is one of the biggest things you can do - it will test the strongest of couples.
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