My dad, his so called girlfriend.........and me

[Loukes]

:cry: :cry: :faint: :faint: :cry: :cry:

I need help / advice..............

Now I know my wedding is a long long way away, but...

I have just had an email from my dad saying he would expect his girlfriend to be invited to the wedding.

To cut a long story short - my dad had an affair - one day mum found out and kicked him out. He set up home with the woman then last year they decided to split - sold their house and bought seperate homes and now live seperately...........except they now still see each other but only at my dad's place. He isnt allowed to go to hers.

I have never met this women much to my dad's annoyance. I dont want to, never have wanted to, dont want to. My dad is always very upset and some of the things she has said to him / done to him are not the actions of a woman in love. And when she does see him he is forever buying her things........

Anyway - so now my dad wants to know if its an issue. Yes its an issue. I only want the people I love and care for to attend our wedding. I would not want this women there at all.

My dad has offered to pay towards the wedding and wants to work out who is paying for what - now I think its going to come with conditions (we were supposed to be doing this Sat morning then going to pay the deposit)

I am so angry. He knows how I feel about the whole thing. I dont want her at our wedding.

Any advice greatly appreciated........

:cry: :cry: :faint: :faint: :cry: :cry:
ETA - I havent yet replied to him cos I dont know what to say......... I almost did but it was an angry reply and I dont want to do that

[*Marti*]

:higgies: Sorry to hear this. I too am having problems with my dads partner but its nothing like this.

If this is really going to upset your mum, i would say no. However, if shes not really going to bother anyone i'd let him have his way and pay!

BUT if its going to upset YOU, because its YOUR day, dont go there, dont regret anything!

Im hoping my dad will have a divorce by then!

[Seagull&Snoopy]

Personally, money for a wedding should not come with conditions.
If you don't want her there - don't have her. It is your day.
When I got married the in-laws took over and were very very controlling, including the speeches, colour of suites etc and they contributed f all towards it as well. I spend all day hating it.

My only bit of advice - sod everyone and do what you want.
I would use the argument your friends and family who you invite - no one else!

Hug to you,
xxxxx

[Loukes]

Yes it would upset my mum but that is nothing to do with how i feel.

I dont want her to come. This is how I feel.

I know my dad did wrong aswell as her. And my dad knows I have never forgiven him for the lies and the hurt he caused, but he is still my dad and I love him and see him, but our relationship is nothing like it was.......but I dont want anything to do with this woman for my own reasons.

I knew deep down this was coming but it has upset me more than I realised it would.

He once said when all the arguments were going on years ago that if his partner wasnt invited then he would have to seriousl consider whether he would attend my wedding.....(this was before I met my fiance!)
Of course I want my dad there but I am NOT being bribed into it. I would rather pay my own way and be happy than have someone I dont want there.

[Shaybabe]

At the end of the day it's YOUR wedding, and thus it should be what YOU and your DH want, not anyone else, regardless of who's paying for it. You're only planning on marrying DH once, so it has to be just as you want it.



He once said when all the arguments were going on years ago that if his partner wasnt invited then he would have to seriousl consider whether he would attend my wedding....


This is emotional blackmail, and as your father he should know better, so if he tries to play this card then tell him as much.

[sparkliness]

I think you need to tell him exactly what you said, - you love him and want him to be there, but you are deeply hurt by what happened, she is not a part of your life, and you don't want to upset your Mum either.

Say that you are very sorry if he feels he no longer wants to contribute to your wedding, but the way you feel has nothing to do with money.

[Seagull&Snoopy]

You don't know her why should she come?

YOUR wedding YOUR invite list, YOUR day.

Be strong,
Seagull

[Julesb]

[quote=Loukes]
I dont want her to come. This is how I feel.

quote]

Well then, that's the only reason you need give to your Dad or anyone else.

[Woodstock]

I guess it depends on whether you want your dad there more than you dont want her there IYSWIM.

FWIW, neither of DHs parents came to our wedding for various reasons :rolleyes: He was upset but he still had the best day ever!

[Corette]

You don't know her why should she come?

YOUR wedding YOUR invite list, YOUR day.

Be strong,
Seagull


What she said!

[Loukes]

Say that you are very sorry if he feels he no longer wants to contribute to your wedding, but the way you feel has nothing to do with money.

He hasnt yet said that he wont contribute if she doesnt come but I do have a feeling this is what will be said.

I intend to write a reply tonight and say I am sorry if it upsets him but we will not be inviting his girlf to our wedding. On our wedding day we want the people we love and care about to be with us and to help us celebrate.

I think I need to put that this is MY decision and isnt influenced by anyone else.

If my dad decides he wants to miss out on his only daughters wedding for a woman who doesnt allow him in her house and once said to him that for her children to be nicer to him he needed to buy them more gifts.......

But why would she want to be there? Why would she want to be in a place where she knows noone? My dads family dont like her or speak to her cos of how she upset my dad over the past 18months. So why on earth would she want to be there????? I might put this in my email to my dad too.

[Sarasue]

[quote=Woodstock]I guess it depends on whether you want your dad there more than you dont want her there IYSWIM.

I think that this is the point..........I had an evil stepmother :medusa: :witchcool: :witch: .

I ended up telling my dad that I wanted him to be happy and that I respected any decision he made, I would totally understand if he didn't come but I didn't want the :witch: there. He came, she didn't.......

[Loukes]

As awful as it sounds it does mean more to me that she doesnt come than dad does. Ever since he left our relationship has been awful........

I dont know if he would come or not. He has just missed a family occassion because she wasnt invited to the meal which was for his own dad..............

I am going to have to be careful that my reply isnt angry and is heartfelt but to the point. Does that make sense??? I dont want to hurt him, but I want to enjoy our wedding day and I wont if she is there.

[gillyf]

You don't know her why should she come?

YOUR wedding YOUR invite list, YOUR day.

Seagull

My thoughts exactly

[gillyf]

I dont want to hurt him, but I want to enjoy our wedding day and I wont if she is there.

I think you have just answered your own question.

[loobieloo]

I feel for you, my dad said he wouldn't come to any family event if my mum & her partner were there but he got over it once he realised he was the one missing out!
Why do other people think your wedding day is all about them :scratchchin: , remind him whose big day it is and hope that he is big enough to see that.
Good luck

[Biba]

:higgies: Loukes it is an awful situation to be in and up until rcently i thought i might have to ask one parent without their new partner but as it happens its not an issue now and i was dreading telling thme their parnter wasn't welcome at my wedding.

Is there a compromise you could come too? i.e she doesn't come to the cermony but just the evening reception? that way she isn't at the imporant bit and you would have enjoyed most of the day.

But I do agree with gillyf you have answered your own question with that statement you just have to explain to your Dad in the most honest way that its not what you and your H2B want

[Seagull&Snoopy]

I disagree I still like
YOUR wedding, YOUR invite, YOUR day.

I would say:

Dear Dad,

Thanks for your e-mail. I know it is a long way off but in terms of your previous question, *** and I intend to make it a special and joyful day, the day we want. It is our wedding, our invite list and our day and we want to make it happy and comfortable.

This means that we would love both you and mum to be there, and our close friends and family, however due to it being our day -no one will be invited who we do not know or who we feel we do not want to part of our special day, as they do not know us well.

Everyone who comes needs to feel welcomed but most of all, *** and I need to be comfortable as it is our day. It is a very special day for us and I hope you can be fully involved.

We hope we can build a better relationship with you, over the coming months.

Love

****

or something similiar, you can play about with it.
xxxxxxx

[Loukes]

Thanks Seagull

I have started composing my reply - then keep deleting bits cos I get angry and I want to remain as calm as possible,

Going home now to think about it, will talk to OH when he gets in from work (late tonight) and then reply.

Dad obviously knows it must be an issue as I havent replied yet.

Dont want to say too much about his involvement as he hasnt yet said he wont be involved if she cant come.......

[Loukes]

I am really struggling with replying. (OH not home yet!)

Not mentioned it to mum yet cos I know what her response will be and I feel I need to do this without her opinion.

I write something then get angry. I've got an essay at the moment. Dont know whether to keep it simple and to the point or explain how I feel.

I get upset - then I get angry. He hasnt added any "terms" as yet - but I feel I will get a response with conditions in it. But that wont make a difference to my decision........only might to his.
:angry:

[Tekkencat]

hope you find a solution :hug:

[Loukes]

Well, I sent the email. He replied.

Now I am.......:faint: :angry: :sigh: :hissyfit: :cry:

He has said several times in his response that if I exclude her then I exclude him. That if I say she isnt welcome then neither is he. That if she isnt on the invite list, then neither should he be............

he has said I have got 2 years to turn this around.........

He has said alot of things that are completely and utterley wrong. I am very angry that he has used the situation with OH and his son. And he has also said that he is sure I will be inviting other people's partners. This is untrue and my best mates I have already spoken to and told them their partners wont be invited cos we dont know them...............

I am fuming. I just dont know what to say to him. We cant talk face to face about this cos I'll just end up getting angry and crying and screaming at him.......

[Biba]

:higgies:
Sounds like he is trying to make it all your fault and its not! I think the only thing you can do is reply to his e-mail and say what you have said in your last post tell him what he has said that wrong.

But from what you have said and in all honesty I am not sure that you will ever see eye to eye on this.

[gillyf]

I think you agree to differ and just say to him. If thats how he feels then he is of course entitled to his opinion. You however don't share it and as it's your day it's your and your OH feelings that must remain paramount on your wedding day. As such he is more than welcome but not his partner. It is his choice whether to attend but this is not a day when you expect to have to make compromises for other family members. Put it back on him. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you so make it his decision not to come. Then if he doesn't change his mind it will be his decision not yours.

[popinjay1]

I think you agree to differ and just say to him. If thats how he feels then he is of course entitled to his opinion. You however don't share it and as it's your day it's your and your OH feelings that must remain paramount on your wedding day. As such he is more than welcome but not his partner. It is his choice whether to attend but this is not a day when you expect to have to make compromises for other family members. Put it back on him. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you so make it his decision not to come. Then if he doesn't change his mind it will be his decision not yours.

What she said.

[Loukes]

I am just so angry with him now.

I dont want to tell mum about this cos she will go mad. OH is fuming and he is upset cos he said he didnt think he would have to go through all this again (referring to all the arguments he has had with ex and her family)

He is def trying to turn this all round on me. He said I should accept him for all his flaws and that I should be building a relationship with his girlfriend.

I do accept his for his flaws but I dont have to be a part of it do I??

What makes me so angry is that they split up last year cos of how her children acted towards my dad. They gave him nothing but grief and he was so upset cos his girlfriend never stood by him and always said he needed to make more of an effort with them, buy them more things. They split up - bought seperate houses. Her 18yr old daughter and 2yr old grandaughter now live with her and my dad isnt allowed to go anywhere near her house now.

[Seagull&Snoopy]

You know how I feel honey a public hug for you though
:hug:

[Fantasseee]

I think gillyf's reply was brilliant, go with that and stick the word selfish in there too as i think he is being very.

[Loukes]

he has said I am being selfish and excluding him. He said that I should accept his flaws and try to build a relationship with his girlfriend. He said he assumes she also wouldnt be involved with my children and that would be unacceptable.

That he can guarantee that I would like her. And by telling him I dont want her there I am also telling him I dont want him there.......ummm no I'm not.

I have started a response. I have said that I said all I had to say in my first reply and that nothing changes. That if he feels that by me saying she isnt invited then he isnt invited then that is how he is choosing to interpret it, not how it is meant.

I have clarified that none of my friends partners are going to be invited which they already know about.


I really dont want to argue with him about this, and we are both stubborn. but no way am I being unhappy on what is meant to be the happiest day of my life

If he cant accept that - then its not my fault is it???

I feel so guilty - but I know how I feel and she is not welcome no matter what. -

I am angry cos I know how her children treat him and they are the reason they split up last year (i never really knew they were back together)

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[popinjay1]

I think you are doing the right thing and I would do the same in your situation. Sounds like your latest message is calm and explaining it well. It must be horrible for you though. Try not to feel guilty. So long as you are making it clear he is very much wanted there (and you are) then you have no reason to feel bad.

[Fantasseee]

If it was his actions that split the family because he started a relationship with this woman, then i imagine he feels he has to make it work, or else he caused that amount of distress for nothing.

His relationship has nothing to do with you, it is his alone. You are in an unenviable position of being bang in the middle of both yoir mother and your father and i think you are being used as a pawn. I wouldn't even try to justify your position in your reply.

Just a short reply stating that the first reply had clarified how you feel. that he is always welcome in your home and you would be delighted if he chose to come to your wedding, but understand if he feels that he can't.

Lots of love etc etc.

Then as gilly said, it is his decision, matter closed.


he has said I am being selfish and excluding him. He said that I should accept his flaws and try to build a relationship with his girlfriend. He said he assumes she also wouldnt be involved with my children and that would be unacceptable.

That he can guarantee that I would like her. And by telling him I dont want her there I am also telling him I dont want him there.......ummm no I'm not.

I have started a response. I have said that I said all I had to say in my first reply and that nothing changes. That if he feels that by me saying she isnt invited then he isnt invited then that is how he is choosing to interpret it, not how it is meant.

I have clarified that none of my friends partners are going to be invited which they already know about.


I really dont want to argue with him about this, and we are both stubborn. but no way am I being unhappy on what is meant to be the happiest day of my life

If he cant accept that - then its not my fault is it???

I feel so guilty - but I know how I feel and she is not welcome no matter what. -

I am angry cos I know how her children treat him and they are the reason they split up last year (i never really knew they were back together)

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[Loukes]

yeah - perhaps the shorter the better.

I am not making this decision cos of how I think mum feels. I am making it cos of how I feel.

I do think alot of it is cos of his guilt and cos he walked away from 24 years of marriage, I think he feels things have to work with the new woman (although not new now - its been 6 years - longer if you count the 2 year affair) -

Thanks for everyone's suggestions.....got a feeling that in 2 years time it wont be my dad walking my down the aisle though....:-(

[Dancing Queen]

Oh K :higgies: what a nightmare honey :no:

You've had some fabulous advice on here, and I think you've handled the situation really well :thumb: :bow: :nod:

Bear in mind though, that the wedding is still 2.5yrs away, and SO much can change in that time. I hope it does, for the best. :hug:

[Loukes]

Bear in mind though, that the wedding is still 2.5yrs away, and SO much can change in that time. I hope it does, for the best. :hug:

I know - I never thought this would be an issue as I assumed they wouldnt be together by time wedding comes round. Maybe they wont. Who knows?

I just know that if they are, I wont have changed my mind.

Thanks again. See how it goes with this reply.

[Loukes]

well, before I replied I spoke to him. Argued for about an hour.

Alot of hurtful things have been said.

But he has rung and apologised for the things he said, and said he thinks he will be at my wedding.........

Not really sure how I am feeling. Got cracking headache from crying and really need to see my OH.

My brothers are wonderful though. Both have said if dad didnt pay towards my wedding they would cos they want me to have the best day ever. and my elder brother said if dad didnt come he would be more than honoured to give me away..........:cry:

[Jamtart]

oh K I have just seen this, although I knew your situation!

I think you are right to stick to your decision, and I really hope it works out. There is a long time before your wedding and I hope your dad comes round. I totally understand why you don't want him there.

:higgies:

[Fantasseee]

Oh bless you :higgies:

It sounds like you are surrounded by fantastic family who love you to pieces. I think he knows he's being an arse, and was digging his heels in until he realised how much he was upsetting you and then had the good grace to apologise.

I think you should let the dust settle and see how your relationship is after Xmas. then you can decide whether you want to accept any donations from him for the wedding.

[Libra]

I hate my Dad's now wife with a passion. She wasnt invited to my wedding but he was. I invited her to the party only. He came to the wedding but not the party (we had the party the day after).

I sent a thank you note to him - and her, even though it pained me to write her name - for our wedding money.

I put a private note for my Dad only saying thank you for the extra money he offered for our honeymoon (the money he didnt tell his wife he was giving us). I also said that I would learn to tolerate her company but didnt want her to be called Nan when Billy was older.

Well, she read it and now me and my Dad are no longer on speaking terms because he sided with her.

Personally, stick to your guns. I backed down slightly and look where it got me.

[Sarasue]

Grrr - just lost a HUGE post.

Basically I agree with Cookie and Fantassee.

:higgies: It sucks doesn't it!!!

[Sarasue]

I do think alot of it is cos of his guilt and cos he walked away from 24 years of marriage, I think he feels things have to work with the new woman (although not new now - its been 6 years - longer if you count the 2 year affair)

This was very much the case with my dad. My :witch: also used to play the "prove your love to me by getting me an invitation". She was VILE to us behind my dads back and then used to blame him because we didn't accept her........

The thing is that this will carry on and colour EVERY family event - weddings/christenings/graduations/housewarmings/birthdays and that is why I made a stand.

My father made choices and the consequence of his choice was that family events became fractured. I tried, god I tried, to make everyone happy but I couldn't so I stopped trying. I decided what I wanted and stuck with that. My father's partner is not invited to any event where my mother would naturally be invited to. If he chooses not to come then that is HIS choice and HIS loss

[frog]

Lots of :higgies: Loukes.

I had something similar at my wedding, I just wanted v close family. My mum totally understood and didn't bring her squeeze. My dad however was a total PITA about it, wanted his Danny La Rue gf there and some of his scratbag family, who I have never got on with. He said I couldn't stop them turning up :yeahright: to which I replied that if I saw them anywhere near the place then he wouldn't be coming in either courtesy of DH, BIL and FIL who are all 6'+ and built like brick outhouses. He tried all sorts of threats and emotional blackmail but in the end he just turned up alone.

He also kept trying to pay for things, and all along I refused, with him money always came with strings and I'd rather make sacrifices than have someone else dictating to me like that.

[Jczil]

:higgies: I hope it all works out for you. My dad refused to come to my wedding because my dh is white (I'm black) which is rich coming from a man with a mixed race child :rolleyes: