What would you advise?

[Abbie]

Some friends of ours have a little girl the same age as Ellie and her dad has spoken to me and my OH about how unhappy he is with his daughter's behaviour and he doesn't really know what to do about it. His wife won't acknowledge there is a problem, she thinks the sun shines out of their daughter's backside and consequently when he's trying to deal with the girl his wife totally underminds him and never backs him up.

The little girl is utterly spoilt, selfish, spiteful and nasty. She has no other friends apart from Ellie, and even she's getting to the point where she doesn't want to play with her any more. The girl won't share toys, if we go round there she won't let Ellie play with any of her toys and if they come here she won't let Ellie play with any of her own toys either. If we go out anywhere she throws tantrum after tantrum and totally spoils the day out.

Her mum lets her get her own way in everything, and if she doesn't she screams, kicks, bites, punches until she does

Her dad has had enough of living like this and has decided enough is enough, something has to change, but his wife doesn't see it. She thinks she's the world expert on parenting and won't admit there's anything wrong with her daughter's behaviour because that would mean admitting she's not the expert she thinks she is.

He rang last night to talk to me and my OH, he wants to start changing things but doesn't know how, especially as his wife won't back him up.

What do I say? TBH I don't really want to get involved with family disputes but he's desperate

[clowe74]

To be fair I dont think there is a lot he can do without the backup of his wife.

It would end up with one confused child what with Daddy saying no to doing something but Mummy says its ok.

[Abbie]

I think that's what he really wants us to do. Help him to get his wife to acknowledge there is a problem with their daughter's behaviour.

Short of really blasting the little girl to her mother I don't know what else to do (and for obvious reasons I really don't want to)

I can understand where he's coming from though, she must be hell on earth to live with

[clowe74]

Could you not go together to toddler groups/soft play areas etc etc where there is a lot of children so she can see that her childs behaviour is wrong.

I often find that the child and mother need to come into contact with another child who behaves the same way for the Mum to realise that its not right.

[Our lass]

I used to have a friend whose daughter was like this. When they were at my house I used to gently, but firmly say that I didn't think that whatever she had done to my daughter was very nice and that I'd like her to stop it. The mother never said anything in complaint to me and if she had I would have explained that my daughter wasn't enjoying being friends with her daughter while she was being treated like that.
Maybe you could try something along those lines when her behaviour directly affects Ellie.

[popinjay1]

I used to have a friend whose daughter was like this. When they were at my house I used to gently, but firmly say that I didn't think that whatever she had done to my daughter was very nice and that I'd like her to stop it. The mother never said anything in complaint to me and if she had I would have explained that my daughter wasn't enjoying being friends with her daughter while she was being treated like that.
Maybe you could try something along those lines when her behaviour directly affects Ellie.

We sometimes visit a friend who has a daughter who sometimes really won't let Claire play with any of her toys. I tend to do the same as Our Lass and the mother has never said anything to me and usually backs me up if anything.

It is a very difficult situation to get involved in and as Clowe says there is little that can be done unless the Mum and Dad are united.

[Abbie]

We do go to toddler group together, also the little girl goes to playschool and things have been said about the behaviour, but as far as her mum is concerned it's always the other child's fault, or the playschool teacher's or another parents, it's never her daughter.

I do usually intervene but she's really vicious when she doesn't get her own way and punches, kicks and bites and Ellie tends to give into her for a quiet life. I mean, if Ellie behaved like that I'd take her straight home with a flea in her ear, not ignore it and blame everyone else

It does impact on Ellie a bit, she doesn't get to play with her own toys in her own house, and also she sees her friend behaving like this so thinks she can too.

Her mum really needs to understand that her daughter isn't the angel she thinks she is, her dad can see it but her mum doesn't, either that or she doesn't want to see what she's turning her child into.

Her dad's doing his best but her mum won't admit there's a problem. Apart from giving her mum a roasting, I can't really see how we can help them.