How do you handle other people telling your child off?

[Duckie]

Especially in your own house :yeahright:? My dad and his girlfriend (C) are visiting this weekend, luckily staying in a hotel but have been spending a lot of time with us. I feel that C is overly critical, she's lovely but I feel like she's judging me/us and what we would tell Anna off for. She told her off a couple of times yesterday when we were out, and I had the situation in hand, and yesterday evening as a special treat Anna stayed down with us and shared some Chinese takeaway with us - she was ever so good but she spilt some rice because of the way she was holding the spoon a couple of times and C told her off for it.

I didn't say anything but felt a bit p***ed off that she was telling my child off when she hadn't really done anything wrong, and I didn't consider what she was doing to be a problem - I have to clear up the floor after every meal anyway. It would be different if we were in her house, or the kids were being looked after just by them for a bit but in our own house when I was there I consider it to be treading on my toes a bit. Even my mum, who sees the kids often, wouldn't tell the kids off if I was there unless I hadn't seen them do something naughty. Would you say anything to her? I think it's going to grate on me today if I don't but maybe for a quiet life I should just leave it :scratchchin:.

[E4girl]

I would certainly be pee'd off. :angry:

Re the 'rice incident' I would just have replied 'it isn't a problem'. Just a short reponse to let her know you have it covered - whatever 'it' is.

Hope today is better. :higgies:

[Purple Lady]

I wouldn't of been happy either. I think its undermining your authority.

Does the 'C' stand for Cruella?! :teehee:

[Bluebabe75]

I wouldn't like it either... I don't mind my parents or sister telling Matthew off (it seems to have more impact when it comes from them rather than us :rolleyes: ), but they spend a lot of time with him and I think it's different.

As for telling her off for spilling rice - she's THREE, of course she's going to spill food occasionally. Matthew is still a very messy eater when he doesn't concentrate properly and rice is a difficult thing for a child to eat tidily.

Hope you have a better day today :higgies:

[Elle Driver]

If Mr ED or myself aren't around, and it's justified, I don't have a problem with it at all.

[katkinn]

I completely agree with ED that I don't have a problem with it if either myself or Mr Kinn aren't around.

But a) if I'm handling and someone tries to help (like my mother :hissyfit: ie - I'm asking either M or H to do something and they're in stand off mode, which often they are, :shrug: my mother will chip in - errrrrr mummy asked you to move/come here/go upstairs whatever. Drives me NUTS)
or b) they get told off for something I don't think is a problem - like the rice thing :rolleyes: I get really peeved. My mil and silly cow sil do this and I actually want to punch them.

However I just stew and ignore it. If one of the kids looks confused, I do say "oh we don't mind that here - we try to pick our battles wisely" and move on quickly.

So I wouldn't say anything, I'd just gloss over.

Huge sympathies though.

[Rosa]

I don't mind them getting rows from other people, they listen to them more than me :rolleyes:

If its something thats not a big deal to me then I just say "oh not to worry, it's only rice" etc. My dad is always telling L to get off the furniture (in my house) I don't really mind, L just says "I'm allowed you know" :teehee:

[Hazy]

"oh we don't mind that here - we try to pick our battles wisely" and move on quickly.

I'd say something like this.

My older sister tells DS1 off all the time. Sometimes I'll let it go but when it's getting to me or it's simply something that doesn't matter I do say something like the above. That way I stop stewing a bit. She still manages to make some cracking comments which I am storing up for when she has children.

[ms sweetcheeks]

Hmm, your incident I'd just leave and not say anything. It'll look ever so petty if you start mentioning it now. (imo anyway.)

Annoying though- I mean what child eats without ever spilling?? :brainache:

My MIL and SIL are often telling DS to do this or that or not do something, but I am so used it it I think, as one of them is here everyday:brainache:

The things they ask him to do/don't do- are things I am not strict with, so he will do it for them, but he knows it is not something I would tell him off for, iyswim?

What peeved me BIG time was one day at the library last week, DS1 was sitting fiddling with a baby toy on the floor (Librarys property.) and a toddler came over and started pulling it off him and trying to help DS1, screw and unscrew this big ball thing.

I was sitting right next to them, but next to a big book shelf, so the toddlers mum couldn't see me.

So she shouted to DS1- "BE CAREFUL- she is JUST A BABY" in a really cross voice- and DS1 hadn't done ANYTHING:brainache:..
So he looked up at me as if to say "What did I do?"..

Anyway the mum came over to them and started sort of telling DS1 off and telling him he needs to be GENTLE around babies (this toddler was maybe 1.5)- and I just said "Just leave the toy now T"- so he went and read some books.

But what gets me is- he didn't do anything, and in his 4 yrs he has never hurt a baby or a toddler or any other child, he shares or gives up toys just like that if asked, so I was a but miffed that this mother was lecturing him in a cross manner..:bwahaha::yeahright:

I was very close to telling her, that I will be the one telling him off, if its needed:twisted:

[TopStar]

I'd be miffed if they do it in front of me :( Im more of "reason with them, explain things to them and give them a chance to defend their action" camp with kids, dont like scolding / telling them off just for the sake of it.

[Anne]

Does this woman have any kids of her own??I think not, as its daft to tell Anna off for spilling rice. I'd have to make a comment as otherwise it will only escalate. Katkinns comment is a good one, something along the lines of " Dont worry about such little thingS, she is only 3after all."

[*kate*]

If it's justified and I haven't seen the "offence" then I have no probs with someone else telling my kids off.

But spilling rice isn't an "offence", if it was I'd be telling my kids off non-stop! I think in that situation I'd have (deliberately) undermined the adult telling her off and said "ooh it's only a bit of rice, not to worry".

[Cherrypie]

If Mr CP or I'm not around, then it's fair enough that the adult in charge of them is able to do the telling off. But I do get pissed off if I'm right there and the other adult still sees fit to take over.

[Abbie]

If I'm not there or didn't see it, then I have no problem with other people telling them off.

But if I'm right there dealing with it then I'd be mighty p*ssed off if someone else stuck their oar in.

If it's something that I don't really consider to be an offence, spilling rice, knocking a drink over by accident or whatever then I wouldn't be too impressed either.

MiL used to be constantly on their cases, even if I'd told them off for something she'd have to add her twopennorthworth as well.

[BonnieTyler]

I wouldn't like it either... I don't mind my parents or sister telling Matthew off (it seems to have more impact when it comes from them rather than us :rolleyes: ), but they spend a lot of time with him and I think it's different.

As for telling her off for spilling rice - she's THREE, of course she's going to spill food occasionally. Matthew is still a very messy eater when he doesn't concentrate properly and rice is a difficult thing for a child to eat tidily.

Hope you have a better day today :higgies:

WSS She's only 3, it wouldn't be normal if she didn't spill the rice. Jeez my 7 year old makes more of a food mess than my 3 year old.

Does C have children (or grown up one's)? I always find people who've never had kids or have no real experience of kids always expect far too much from them.

When SD tells off her sisters it annoys the crap out of me. Only because she does it in such a condescending way, and I think it wasn't that long ago you were doing that missy. (She's 17). :yeahright::lol:

[EllieO]

If I'm not there or didn't see it, then I have no problem with other people telling them off.

But if I'm right there dealing with it then I'd be mighty p*ssed off if someone else stuck their oar in.

If it's something that I don't really consider to be an offence, spilling rice, knocking a drink over by accident or whatever then I wouldn't be too impressed either.

Definitely WSS, if I am there I think it's rather rude of someone to tell my child off, it's for me to deal with, obviously different if I'm not around.

It would also depend on how they told my child off, a firm word would be fine, shouting and ranting would not.

[Franny]

I'm with Elle Driver. I don't mind if it is justified. Sometimes they listen to other people more than me so it can even be helpful. Or, even, if I am struggling to gain control, I don't mind chipping in so long as it's not done in a critical way to me.

[Dr Spouse]

Was it telling off as in "don't you spill that!" or just a warning as in "ooh be careful, you're spilling that"?

Those seem a bit different to me, and perhaps you can tone down what the other person says to just a "be careful" rather than a "you've done something wrong"? So your child knows you've noticed and aren't bothered and hope the other adult gets the hint that you'd consider it to be just an accident, at worst?

So if the other adult says "naughty girl, you're spilling that" you can say "oh dear, that spoon's not very good for you, is it? let's move your place mat over a bit".

[Jack_the_Cat]

It doesn't bother me in the slightest if family tell DD off so long as it's justified and the tone is appropriate. I see that children have to respect all adults if they're in their company, not just me and DH. So it wouldn't upset me if she'd said something about holding the spoon properly, unless her tone or words were especially harsh.
Reading between the lines a little, is it something about your relationship with C that makes this especially difficult and grating?

[Daisy66]

It depends how it' done tbh.

From your post, you say that C told her off a few times. It's not clear what exactly happened each time, so it's hard to know if it was appropriate.

However, the rice thing was clearly not a 'telling off' situation, and I would have said something to her about that. Along the lines of "she's only 3, it's hard to hold a spoon ..." etc etc.

Hope the rest of the visit goes ok!

Daisy

[Duckie]

Was it telling off as in "don't you spill that!" or just a warning as in "ooh be careful, you're spilling that"?


The tone of voice was definitely more of a command/order than a warning :no:. I completely agree with those of you who have said they're happy for others to tell their children off if they're not there and it's justified as I am too, but each situation I was there. Even my Mum doesn't really tell them off when I'm there and she's a blood relation who adores them, not my Dad's girlfriend of a couple of years who has only met them when they came up to stay for Elliot's christening nearly a year ago.

I remembered what the first situation was now - we were out for the day on Saturday to Birdworld in Surrey and we'd been there the whole day. As we were leaving Anna wanted to do something, I'm not sure what but she was tired and a bit stroppy and threw the cuddly rabbit Dad and C had bought her on the ground and pushed her scooter away. I told her off for it but C stepped in and said that as she was so ungrateful they'd take the rabbit and scooter away (Dad also bought her the scooter for Xmas). I know Anna was being a bit stroppy and it's not behaviour I tolerate, but I considered C telling her off and threatening to take her toys away treading on my toes a bit, especially as I was in control of the situation anyway.

C does have children of her own but they're at least ten years older than me and her two grandchildren are teenagers so she's not used to dealing with toddlers - I was very pleased with the way both kids behaved over the weekend as they were very good and neither of them had a tantrum over anything, but I felt she came across as overly critical of my parenting - it wasn't so much what she said as how she looked at us most of the time, so I could be a little oversensitive, but telling Anna off in situations which didn't deserve it I felt was going a bit far :huh:.

[skylark]

:higgis: Duckie, I think that you need to invite C out for a cuppa, when there are no kids and have a little chat with her. I bet she does not even realise that she is doing it.