Outgrowing Friends

[icclebunny]

Can you outgrow friends? I have a friend who is, by all accounts, a nice person but I feel we have less and less in common as the years go by. We'd pretty much do anything for each other but recently it seems as if its getting strained. She always finds a way to make snide remarks about me staying at home with Mini IB, or about the fact that Mini IB is still having 3 bottles of milk a day, or that she has "too many toys"

I dont spoil my daughter but I do make sure she has things she needs, Im doing my best but it always feels like shes out to criticise me (and not constructively). I think I want to have a lot less to do with this person as her comments are hurtful (then I am hormonal and may be overreacting) and I dont want to spend so much time with her but then I dont want to hurt her feelings. Should I tell her I find her attitude hurtful or should I just limit the time I spend with her?

Anyone else been through this? Can you help?

[Strawberry Bivi]

Has she got children too?

[icclebunny]

Yes, so she's one of the competitors in the "baby olympics" "Well my child did that by age X so why isnt Mini IB?" "Do you think she should be watching that?" etc etc

[Strawberry Bivi]

I think it would be better to limit the time you spend with her, especially as she is a competitive parent. Only you can judge but from what you have said I don't think a chat about it would make any difference, might even make her worse. It is so hurtful, why can't people be supportive?

I was going to post about my crap friends today, it's an epidemic!

[Ms Sunflower]

I think friendship gives license to be honest, and to sometimes tell home truths. What it doesn't ever give is licence to be downright rude, or snide. I think you really have to wonder, out of context if anyone (not just this person) was hurtful, critical and you don't want to be around them - are they truely a good friend at this point?
Parenting is hard enough without people like this chipping in. I'd just begin to limit the time you spend with her. I think after a few weeks of being less avaliable, people begin to ask less and you're off the hook.

(Sorry, I do hope that doesn't sound harsh. I just get so hopping mad about people mistreating their friends)

[bernardeena]

I definitely think you do outgrow friends. I've not been in the same situaion as you, but some people are friends for life, but a lot aren't. It used to bother me that people I had once been really good friends now I never spoke to, but I just realised that people go in different directions. It doesn't necessarily mean you have fallen out over something, just that your lives are heading in different directions or that you just don't relate to each other anymore.

If she is being hurtful and critical, you could try and talk to her about it, not in an accusin way, just in a this is how you make me feel sort of way, she may not realise she is being like that. If she doesn't change though and carries on the same you could just try to spend less time with that person.

[icclebunny]

Thanks, I feel like I must be doing something wrong for her to be speaking to me like that but in the last week I can count at least 2 occasions where she's phoned me and asked me to ring her back on her mobile and Ive been on the phone to her for over an hour (depsite trying to say goodbye) I cant keep phoning her back, we're on a tight budget as it is and she has no landline. I end up getting myself more and more worked up over the things she keeps saying but Id feel like a right b!tch confronting her (I think I need to grow a backbone)

I think my general naffedoff-idness has been building for a while because I hate competitve parenting. I think I need to meet other mums that I have more in common with but noone ever seems to talk to each other at the weigh in clinics etc

[Teresa]

True friends wouldn't be hurful. They may be be honest but a real friend wouldn't be snide or hurtful. If someone is making you feel like this, you have to wonder if they are a good friend.

I'd probably limit the time I spent with her to start with.

[Cherrypie]

I agree with what the other girls say. Friendship does give licence to give honest opinion, but not to be hurtful or rude. I think such competitiveness is often a sign of insecurity - maybe that's why she feels she has to put you down all the time.

I'd agree that I'd limit the time spent with her. It doesn't sound as though you're getting much from the friendship right now. xxx

[Shaybabe]

What positives does she actually bring to the friendship? Is she one of the people you would call if your world fell apart, and more importantly, would she be there for you if you needed it? Sadly the simple fact is that, as the others said, friendships do change over time. We tend not to have friends for life, but more for stages in our lives... I have no friends left from my school days, and only one from Uni, but I accepted a long time ago that that's okay. Everyone changes, and we all grow apart from friends from earlier times. Hard as it is, sometimes the best thing is to accept that, and to move on from the friendship. I'm not suggesting cutting someone out of your life in an instance, but perhaps leave it longer between conversations, or, if she calls you and asks you to call back, tell her you can't but if she'll call you later that would be okay.

If you do want this woman to be a part of your life, you have to be honest with her and tell her that her behaviour bothers you - it could well be that she isn't aware she's doing it. If that upsets her, that's unfortunate, but at the end of the day you don't need friends who are going to bring you down - the rest of the world does that enough. Friends should be there to lift you to your feet when you stumble, to guide you through dark places into light, to help you to laugh when everything is going wrong, and to support you, not because they necessarily agree, but because they love you. They should not be a drain on your emotions and well-being.

Okay, preaching over (sorry, I just feel very passionately about these kind of things... :oops: )

Hope you work things out to a result that suits you. xxx

[tigger71]

It's perfectly possible to outgrow friends - it's happened to me before, was upsetting at the time but have realised now that they probably weren't particularly good friends to start with. I've now got some fabulous friends who'll hopefully be there for life, but it took me the best part of 30 years to get them!

I'd limit the amount of time you spend with her if I were you, and if she wonders why then perhaps you'll just have to be honest. How long have you known her?

xx

[iGnome]

I do think you outgrow friendships regardless of if you have kids or not. Like I am kidless, but some of my best friends have kids yet some of my single friends, in fact all of them, I have outgrown because of numerous reasons.

1. She told me I wasn't normal because I have epilepsy. So what if I am not, (BTW, I am normal) what gives her rights to tell people if they are normal or not. So, I binned her. I'm ruthless. She's a ****ing cow.

2. Another was a one way street. I'd phone and make all arrangements, I'd drive to her place because she didn't like driving on the freeway to mine. Fine. Catch the bus then. But no, she wouldn't make the effort. Another binned. Froendship is a two way thing. You can't make the effort, you're off my friendship list, thats my motto.

3. One who seems to like being used and abused by her family...mainly in money factors, not other ways. Loved to complain about it. When we used to go out, she hardly spoke and christ it was a strain but we still included her, then just gave up.

My closest friends now range from my age to one who has a son my age, all have kids but we've been through uni together back in the mid 80's and plan on sitting on rocking chairs next to eachother when we are old at the same nursing home. :lol:

I think when you are younger, you make the effort to work at and maintain friendships. After that, they either stay or don't and that can be for a number of reasons. As I get older, I don't have the time for people who pike out at the last minute or can't make an effort to stay in touch.

Some people have a heap of friends, others have few. But remember, it's quality not quantity. Those who stand by you in time of need are you real friends. Obviously, thats a two way thing as well.

I have one friend I have seen once in about 5 or 6 years, could be longer, but when we get together, it's like that time years was just yesterday. She lives out in the bush somewhere, comes down to the city infrequently but when she does, it's like we are 18 again.

Another I see every few years, she lives about 5 hours flight away but she comes her and I go there so we see eachother more frequently. My turn soon, coming November off I go!! Can't wait. We used to do ballet together but weren't close friends, lived in the same area but didn't go to the same school, occassionally hung out but did go to uni together and have been close since then.

[Shaybabe]

:clap: Well said iGnome. That's exactly what I was trying to say!

[Franny]

Some people are genuinely very thick-skinned and don't realise the things they say can be hurtful. I had a fall out with my sister earlier in the year for making digs about my relationship and the way I bring up R and she was quite shocked when, after a period of keeping my distance and snapping at her down the phone, I finally explained why I was so upset and said she didn't realise how badly she came across.

I think if you value this friendship, you should at least give her the benefit of the doubt and have a heart to heart but, if you haven't known her that long, it probably won't be easy and it might not even be worth it. I can think of one or two I limit time with now as I find it awkward.

FWIW, everyone I've met in a purely baby context has been sort of competitive. I don't even think they mean to be. It's more of a case of only have children as common ground sometimes so it's the basis of your friendship, almost. People I've known before who've had kids or people I've met through work haven't been like that at all.