View Full Version : When you and OH want different things
Hello folks, I am having a bit of an issue with my OH just now and I really dont know what to do about it.
Firstly, my OH is lovely, he is the sweetest bloke and he worships me and I love him so much.
But the problem is that I want to have a baby. Now. Well, obviously it would take 9 months, but I would like to start TTC now. I am so broody its unreal, but OH is totally against the idea. He wants to wait till we are older, a few years or so, he wont give me a timescale but definitely not for two years at least. I really dont want to wait that long, I am so paranoid that even when we do start TTC, it will take months or even years to conceive, so thats another reason why I want to start now.
Its getting to be a real sticking point in our relationship and I dont know what to do. I dont want to wait years to start TTC!
I just dont know what to do, I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall with him, he just is not even prepared to compromise. We had a big discussion about this in March, back then he said he wanted to wait a year, and I said well I want to start TTC now, so lets meet in the middle at September and he conceded that that would be the fair thing to do but did not really say yes or no, but I knew at the time he was just saying it was fair to shut me up and sure enough, now its September, and now he saying at least two years!
Now we are moving cities so he can have his dream job, I am giving up everything to be with him cos he would not have taken the job if I had said I was not going to go with him, so I am giving up my flat, my job and all my friends and family and now I feel like its my turn for him to do something for me. I feel like he is making all the decisions and I am just having to do whatever he wants.
I just dont know what to do!
Have you discussed with him the reason why he is against TTC now? If you can find out what it is then maybe you could address that and find a compromise.
It's definitely a conversation worth pursuing as it's clearly something you both feel strongly about and will need to be resolved to both your satisfaction.
I hope it goes well for you :luck:
Do you think he wants children at all, or just not yet? I suppose I'm asking if this is a stalling tactic to delay it becoming an issue between you.
He says he does want kids and I do believe that he does, but just not yet, he thinks we are too young. We are both 28, which I dont think is too young at all! Both of our parents had all their kids by the time they were our age.
Loads of my family have kids, most of them younger than what I am now, and I feel like I am getting left behind.
Does he have a specific "right" age in mind?
This is a major issue!
You can't be with someone who disagrees on such an important issue as this!
Does he mean no kids EVER? or just not for the next year or two?
You need an honest answer on this one! :no:
He says at least two years. But I really think thats too late, I'll be 30 or 31 by then, what if it takes two years to conceive, then I potentially could be 33 before I even have my first child. Which seems so far away when I want to start TTC now.
If he says "at least" two years, that isn't the same as saying he will definitely be ready in two years. This is a huge issue and you need to discuss it with him at length now. Differing opinions on this are often a deal breaker, and even if he changes his mind and "goes along" with having a baby it could end in tears if his heart isn't in it. From personal experience I can not recommend having a baby with someone who doesn't 100% want a baby.
It would be good to know specifically why he thinks you're too young. Is it because he wants to travel/progress career/do something else or is it because he's worried about the effect a child has on your lives and relationship? If he says he just generally doesn't feel ready but can't say what would make him feel ready, then I wonder how he will know that in 2 years he will be ready. If it's something like he wants to progress his career to a certain level or travel around the world or something specific then it's easier to plan to get that done so that he can have what he wants and you are both agreeable to TTC.
If he could be more specific then maybe you could either help him resolve the problem, or understand his reluctance so that you can work better to reach a compromise that you're both committed to.
I think kids is a make or break thing in a relationship - you've both got to be in agreement.
My DH was exactly the same when I first started ot feel really broody at 24. We started trying when I was 27, and it took us 13 months to conceive so I am now 28 with a 3 month old - i'm 29 next month.
I don't know if there is a 'right' age for kids - if I'm honest I'm glad I'm not too much older, those in their mid to late 30s in my NCT group do seem to struggle more with the lack of sleep in particular, but then everyone is different.
You need to find out his reasons - bluntly, my DH was plain scared. We needed to work through some of the things he weas scared of for him to feel ready. This included spending far more time with friends who had babies - for experience lookig after them, and also to see some of the joys of parenting (which to my mind aren't pushed on you half as much as stuff like the financial pressure. tiredness)
We also saved up the equivalent of 3 months of my salary so we could afford for me to take 6 months off as it turned out he was worried about money.
You may well find his concerns are things you can do somehting about.
Big hugs to you - I know how this feels :higgies:
Hi creativezen, sounds like he might say 2 years at least just so you stop going on about it tbh..
It is such an important situation you really have to sit down and sort it out.
My OH was very eager on having children at the beginning of our relationship and I was th one not ready, then when I was he wasn't anymore:rolleyes: couldn't understand it at all as I know he adores kids, work with them and he's really passionate about them.He keeps going on about fostering and I couldn't understand why he didn't want to ttc anymore.After about a year of me questonning him, he said that he was terrified cos one of his ex fell pregnant once and the baby had difficulties, she had to have an abortion.He started thinking it was his fault and that he would be unable to conceive an healthy child.He didn't feel like that at first but somehow, it entered his head later on.
I am not saying that your OH has anther reason he didn't tell you about but there might be something he's scared about or something.
Sorry, not much help at all :oops:.Just hope you will both manage to find a compromise about it.
This could have been me. I was definitely not ready at 28, whereas my DH would have been. By the time we did have our child, I was 33. I am nearly 36 now and am thinking about no. 2. As usual, DH is already raring to go! :smile: So I don't think it is too old.
My reasons were just being plain not ready, which I believe is a valid reason and being scared, too. Most of my fears turned out to be justified but, by being honest about them with myself, I found I adjusted much better than DH.
I don't think bombarding him with kiddies' parties is the way to go, tbh. DH tried that tactic with me and all the baby talk, tantrums and not being able to finish a conversation just confirmed it all for me that I was right. Better to enjoy your adult time where you can and allow him to get bored with the same old stuff, as I did eventually. :smile:
Hope this helps. Chin up. I know it seems a long time but he's not saying never and, you never know, he might bring it forward a bit.
Well I tried to bring it up last night, we were chatting on MSN, and I said when can I have a baby and his reply was I dont know. I left it at that cos to be honest, things are a little difficult just now with work and stuff and I did not want to get all upset about it. But I will bring it up again soon, I need to know.
Hmmm don't worry about the TTC stuff too much!! I thought it would take hubby and I ages we started on honeymoon and we came back pregnant!!! It took 2 weeks of trying!
Does he feel you should be married first is there something else worrying him you need to find out those things first rather than saying when can I have a baby perhaps asking why he feels no tready to have a baby might lead to a more open and frank conversation.
I guess it's more of a case of not being able to give you an answer. You don't know when you'll be ready if you're not iyswim.
I've had this exact problem with my OH recently - i'm mega broody (not helped by seriously thinking I had accidentally fallen pregnant earlier this month) and I would happily have a baby right away, but he wants to wait a couple of years, which is pretty hard for me tbh, when I've got all these feelings rushing round inside me.
Through all this I discovered that my OH is surprisingly traditional, and wants us to get married first and move to a more family-friendly place before we start trying for a baby.
I've backed off a fair bit lately, and don't mention the subject much anymore, as even when I was talking about it 24/7 he wasn't going to change his mind. He does want a family with me, but he just wants to hang on for a couple more years that's all.
I think you probably need to establish that he definitely wants children, and he definitely wants to have them with you. Once you know that then it'd probably be easier to wait a bit. It's a really difficult situation, and I know how you feel (and it's not much fun!) but (and I'm not saying you would do this) forcing someone into parenthood before they're ready won't do anyone any favours and might just make him a bit resentful in the long term.
I've got a friend who tricked her boyfriend into having a baby (she stopped taking her pill) when he'd expressly said he wasn't ready for it for another few years, and there's a lot of resentment on his side, and a lot of the time he carries on as if he doesn't have a child, going out with his mates every weekend, staying out all night or coming home blind drunk and lying in bed all day with a hangover etc etc, and he's quite detached from the baby - he doesn't do much with it, leaving all the care and parenting up to my friend. It's not a situation I'd wish on anyone quite frankly and although she loves the baby, she regrets the circumstances in which he came to be born.
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