If you and your OH spilt up.... [Archive]

Puddser

06-09-2006, 03:09pm

...God forbid I mean but if you did could you cope on your own? Financially I mean?

We got one of those chain emails in work the other day about what all women should be able to do and one of them was cope on their own if they had to. It got me thinking. If we spilt up tomorrow (I shudder at the thought) could I cope alone? Would I be able to live somewhere on my own or would I have to move back home? We have no kids so it would just be me. I certainly couldn't cope with the mortgage on my own so the house would have to be sold. With my share of the profit I still could not afford to buy anywhere but could rent I suppose but I would struggle big time.

Probably sounds like a very morbid topic of conversation but its something I am interested in hearing others views on. I would like to think that no matter what happened I can be independent and cope on my own but I know I would struggle. I guess its something my Mam used to say to me as well; always be able to cope on your own. She was never able to leave my Dad because she had no income of her own:no:

My OH is self employed so he would be worse off if we ever spilt up. Not that I ever want it to happen:smile:

Views anyone?

Twistarella

06-09-2006, 03:14pm

I would totally be able to cope financially. I lived on my own for 10 years before I met my DH and we moved in together so I know I can do it. I'm fiercely independent and self-sufficient, even now!

Coping emotionally would be my problem area if we split up. He's most certainly my emotional crutch and helps me see things very clearly, and I'd miss him enormously!

book_lover

06-09-2006, 03:14pm

I would hope my DH and I would never split up but you just never ever know. I know fine well that with my current income, if I were a single Mum I couldn't afford to carry on working - I would have to become a SAHM. There was a time that I wanted that more than anything, but I HAD to go back to work (we couldn't afford it) and now I'm glad I did, and that I have this for me. I can imagine it would be even more important to me to have a career (both in terms of "self" and in terms of being secure for the future etc.) if I were single. So that would suck, big time.

xxx

clementinexyz

06-09-2006, 03:19pm

Perish the thought but yes I think I could cope financially. Actually this something I occasionally think about.

ATM we have no kids so I'd up my hours at work (I only work 4 days a week atm) and that should just allow me to cover my mortgage and bills. I'd probably get a lodger as our house has 3 bedrooms and the extra cash and company would be handy.

If we had kids I would up sticks and move near my mum who lives 80 miles away, then I could buy a cheaper property and mum could look after bubs whilst I was at work. It's a bit worrying that I've got it all planned:shock:

Vickytoria

06-09-2006, 03:20pm

I couldnt afford to carry on living in the house we do now, but appart from that i am confident i could cope financially.
Actually iv got 2 loans ending next month so i might stick it out until they were paid off and il be £150 a month better off!

Damsella

06-09-2006, 03:20pm

No, I couldn't. Not without OH's support.

But equally, he couldn't cope on his own if I left him with a toddler. He would need to pay for help.

Puddser

06-09-2006, 03:33pm

I definitely couldn't cope emotionally without him, he is my rock BUT if I fell apart emotionally I would still like to think that I could live on my own and not have to fall back on my parents. Maybe its a little security mechanism (sp) I have in the back of my mind that if my world did fall apart tomorrow and we spilt then I could still live in a nice place, still have my cats and basically start again. If I thought that if we spilt up and not only would I loose my soul mate but would have to move back home and really start again then I would really, really fall apart.

I know this is a totally "if" scenario but maybe its not such a bad thing to think that you could survive alone if the worst happened.

clementinexyz

06-09-2006, 03:39pm

Puddser

06-09-2006, 03:45pm

I don't really have a choice about going back to my parents. My mum doesn't have a spare room and as i said she's 80 miles away so I'd have to change my job if I went there.

And my dad lives on a boat:lol:

I've been through a seperation before and I ended up sleeping on my sister's sofa for 6 weeks, it was awful. I never want to be in such a position again and fortunately now my job is secure (touch wood) and much better paid than it was at that time so hopefully I won't have to be.

Obviously I hope I won't be because DH and I are very happily married as well:oops: .

We are too clementinexyz. Well we are not married yet but are very happy none the less:smile: I'm not trying to upset anyone but I suppose for me its the can I make it on my own scenario? I've never lived alone, I moved straight out of my parents house into OH's Mam's house until our apartment was ready. I suppose I'm just thinking about if we spilt would I have to do a u-turn and move back home or could I stand on my own two feet. I'm sure I could if I had to. In fact I would hate to think that I couldn't. I plan to be with my OH forever but I always want to have a plan 'B' just in case:smile:

Damsella

06-09-2006, 03:54pm

Oh, I see what you mean now. I lived on my own for well over a decade so I know I can do it.

clementinexyz

06-09-2006, 03:55pm

I plan to be with my OH forever but I always want to have a plan 'B' just in case:smile:

Call me cynical but I totally agree. As I said, I've been through it once I don't ever want to be in a position again where I might lose my home. Losing DH would be devastating enough.

I always want to be sure that if push came to shove I could cope alone, for my own peace of mind after my previous experience. I have no intention of splitting up with DH ever but I think it's only sensible to have a backup plan.

Puddser

06-09-2006, 03:58pm

Call me cynical but I totally agree. As I said, I've been through it once I don't ever want to be in a position again where I might lose my home. Losing DH would be devastating enough.

I always want to be sure that if push came to shove I could cope alone, for my own peace of mind after my previous experience. I have no intention of splitting up with DH ever but I think it's only sensible to have a backup plan.

Thats exactly what I was trying to say:thumb:

Lois Lane

06-09-2006, 04:00pm

Probably not, no. I would have to give up work and probably end up moving to live with my parents as I couldnt afford to keep a flat, job AND my children

Moffgal

06-09-2006, 04:29pm

Finiancially we'd both have to start from scratch. We'd probably have to sell the rental property, or he could give it to me as a settlement. I've got some savings and shares, but I see them as 'ours' at the moment because we'll probably use the savings when we come to move again. Although I am a little reluctant to use my savings as I no longer have an income- it's my 'running away' money. Not that I'm planning on doing so, but it's nice to know it's there if anything terrible ever happened.I'd probably have go back to work in some capacity and I guess my mum and his mum would help out to enable me to do that to keep a roof over our heads.Emotionally, like others have said, DH is totally my rock, I trust him implicitly and he's never once let me down. But I've been on my own before and I've no doubt I could do it again.Moffgal

Soreya

06-09-2006, 04:42pm

I would probably struggle but I am pretty sure I would cope...

gillyf

06-09-2006, 04:46pm

yep i could manage would just need to work full time not part time as i am planning.

guinness

06-09-2006, 06:30pm

i couldn't - i have never lived on my own, and have been with my dh since i was 18.
although i've never tried, so i might...i'd like to think i'm strong enough to support myself and my son if i had to.

Toots

06-09-2006, 06:35pm

Me and my OH have split up - about a year ago. I manage with a full time job and child. I think if it actually happens you just get on with it and make it work out. It can be a struggle finacially - especially when I was made redundant and couldn't find another job - but I got through it and seem to just about get through each month!

ChelseaHarvey

06-09-2006, 06:55pm

if me & dean split up i wouldnt be able to cope, i dont really work as it is, just now & again when i want, dean is the earner in this house and provides for everything..

I moved out of home at 18 with dean and have lived with him ever since, i think the whole living on my own i could cope with for abit, and i am independent but work wise i would struggle to get a job that would pay a house, alfies nursery fees as i would have to go back to work full time, pay bills and just general stuff

I know i could move back home, but i wouldnt want to, my parents would help me and set me up somewhere but id hate the thought of them having to bail me out when im old enough now to be able to sort my life out!! I would just really struggle financially i know i would

Jelly

06-09-2006, 07:04pm

Princess Lollipop

07-09-2006, 01:38pm

Financially I wouldn't be able to cope but emotionally I think that I would. It would be incredibly tough and I would probably have to rely on my parents quite heavily.

However DH has a daughter from his first marriage and I would not want my children to go through what L has gone through, i.e. not knowing where she will be from weekend to weekend, Xmas to Xmas, being stuck in the middle of warring parents, mum telling her one thing, dad saying another, etc etc. It always makes me more determined to work harder at my marriage.

Nat

07-09-2006, 01:45pm

If DH left me then I would not cope financially as things stand.
(I couldnt afford the cost of the mortgage, bills & childcare on just my salary) If we had split before Lulah, then I would TOTALLY cope financially. Either way I would cope emotionally

If DH died, I would be rich :lol: but I wouldnt cope emotionally.

choccy eating monster

07-09-2006, 03:28pm

Financially, no way. If it was still just me and him then I would have to rent myself a grotty studio but I could just about manage.

But with kiddy on the way, I will be SAHM cos after c/care etc I would bring in a grand total of £60 per week full time.

So, unless I could smuggle kid into work and keep it in desk drawer I would not be working and would have to live in council b&b on benefits.

Or I would have to put the nipper into care until school age whilst I worked full time.

RedTiger

07-09-2006, 03:53pm

Yip I could cope - DH would still give me the same amount of money each month as he wants to make sure his kids are ok (the state of our relationship over the last 2 years is such that him moving out has been discussed several times, with him also viewing flats to rent nearby!) Emotionally I would be ok too - for the same reasons, over the last 2 years I have got used to doing everything myself as he works such long hours and our relationship has been so strained that most of the time I feel like a single parent. In fact I often think it would be better if we split up as if / when we do he wants to see the kids at least 2 nights a week so that's 2 nights off for me, something I don't get now!

Sorry, gone off at a bit of a tangent now but basically yes I would cope - I am fiercely independant and like to 'prove' I can do things myself so I would feel I had to cope.

Tekkencat

07-09-2006, 03:53pm

Been there done that with and without kids and have coped - you do because you have to - erm and i didnt need to live in council b&bs or have my kiddie put into care either and i managed to feed and clothe us both blimey i must have been good - im soooooo surprised at the amount of people who dont think they could cope - you do as i have said because you HAVE to

Roo

07-09-2006, 03:59pm

I'm sure I WOULD cope (as already said, you don't have much choice really!) but it'd be paramount that hubby and I had to stay on good terms, for the sake of the child(ren).....we live near all his family but 4hrs from mine, and I would never take them away from him so going to live with my folks wouldn't be an option. Financially would be seriously tricky, as I only work part-time and coulnd't manage mortgage plus childcare on my own...but it's doubtful hubby could even on a fulltime salary either, so again we'd have to split the childcare load between us somehow and look at selling the house and splitting the money from that and moving on from there. Pre-children would've been easier :wink: But if it came to it, we'd all survive I'm sure.

Petrus

07-09-2006, 06:04pm

i would definately cope, well i've had to, i'm a single mum and always have tbh. Its not all that bad, i got lucky in tha fact that i was living in a 2 bedroom apartment and the council pay my rent and council tax. In an ideal world i'd love to be in a relationship with Joshuas dad but it won't work, plus i have no one to tell me what to do!!!:lol:

I could and am coping (i hate that word) no i am living my life the way i want to live, my little boy means the world to me and he will always come first!

Princess Fiona

07-09-2006, 10:07pm

No i couldn't cope financially. I gave up work when i had Lucy and i've been "out of the game" too long now (2 years almost!) to return back to my old job without having extensive retraining, it would be pretty pointless. PLUS it wasn't worth me going back to work full time with the help of DH because of the high nursery fees and the fact that my earnings were pretty crap in the 1st place so if i were on my own there is NO chance i could afford to work, get Lu cared for run a home and a car.

I'd end up probably at my Dads for a few months and then i expect would end up in a grotty council flat on some dirty rotten estate living off the state :oops: Of course i like to think that if we split DH wouldn't let that happen!

popinjay1

08-09-2006, 09:25pm

Yes, I could cope financially. I would keep the flat (housing association so low rent) and MIL would continue to look after the girls while I worked my 3 day week. We wouldnt have many luxuries of course but we could manage.

Although in reality if our relationship did break down I would probably want to move back to be nearer my family so would have to move in with my Mum as I wouldnt have any childcare and wouldnt be able to get a job which would enable me to pay rent & childcare.

tigurr

12-09-2006, 05:24am

This is something I thought a *lot* about around this time last year. I was weighing up whether or not I could "afford" to leave my H. It would have been a struggle financially but I think my work would have been OK about me going full-time, DD's nursery would have been ok to take her full time and we would have just sold the house, split the equity and gone from there.

I also investigated all the things I'd be entitled to (thanks to that entitled-to website) .

But, it never came to anything and I'm now living with him over here in Australia. And I don't work anymore so financially I'm a bit stuffed really. However, the £13k left from the house-sale (after paying off debts etc) is sat in a savings account in my sole name LOL. And the £10k that I gave back to mum & dad after we sold the house, they've got that in a separate account in case I ever need it.

If DH dropped dead, then DD & I would be deported almost immediately, which is a frightening thought. I know that if he quits his job, we have 1 mth to leave and if they fire him we have 2 mths... but not 100% sure what happens if he dies. Guess I should get him to check it out really.

If we did split up or he died, I would more than likely move back to the Isle of Man to be near my parents and closest friends. But the rent etc is extortionate there - I looked into them last year and I'd be lucky to afford a 1-bed flat on my own salary.

tigurr

12-09-2006, 05:43am

financially I (actually, we both) would be screwed but emotionally I would be ok and would be perfectly able to live as a single mother.

I couldn't go home even if I wanted to as that's Australia and I can't stand the thought of a custody battle across the world IYSWIM. If DH died I would sell up and move back to my family though.

That's the dilemma I faced when we moved here. I was (and still am) desperate to move back to the UK with DD but DH told me that if I go, then he's staying here. And I can't do that to DD - can you imagine the access visits?! We'd have to meet in Singapore and swap her over :wink:

If it wasn't for DD then I wouldn't be here in Oz still

L66TTY

13-09-2006, 01:06pm

I don't know! Honestly! I would get maintainace form hubby for baby and benefits wouldn't be able to manage our huge house and with my dad retiring next year not sure I could run to them for dosh I'd have to leave bubs with someone not his parents scary dogs and parenting skills not mine too old and would be living in Spain.

I have managed before and would again but not sure once baby comes along its something I stress about now I am pregnant. I do see the baby as very much our child though and there is as much reason for him to become a SAHD as there is for me to become a SAHM, well apart from him earning 3 times what I do! Our child is a joint responsibility and I am shocked at how many of you assume the children would become your problem rather than both your problem to support financially!?

tigurr

13-09-2006, 01:10pm

Because as a general rule, custody of the child is awarded to the mother. And, depending on the circumstances of the split, some men (even the ones who were so devoted to the wife and kids beforehand) turn into total w*nkers and only pay a couple of quid a week in maintenance.

After talking to my DH the other night I now know I'd be well looked after financially if he died - I'd get a lump sum payout of 4 x his annual salary (so about the equivalent of £120k) as well as a regular large payment from them each month. Plus I would hightail it back to the UK and have my support network back again

Wicked (joke LOL)

Strawberry Bivi

13-09-2006, 01:19pm

I'm not coping. I'm managing day-to-day, but I can't keep it up long term.

Puddser

13-09-2006, 01:47pm

I'm not coping. I'm managing day-to-day, but I can't keep it up long term.

Sorry to hear that Strawberry Bivi:higgies: We are here if you want to talk about things. These posts have really made me think, I definitely don't think I could cope on my own so you are not alone hon:hug: