Dillemma - how to reply to this email?

[book_lover]

I have a friend I haven't been in touch with for ages. I care about her, but I find her too much, too much like hard work and so try not to see too much of her. It isn't just me that feels like this - most people don't bother with her beyond a certain point. So firstly I feel bad about that, I love her kids.... having her over ALWAYS means she has to stay the night (as her hubby taxi drives through the night). This means they then stay for AGES the next day, really eating into our weekend. I feel like I have to just sit about chatting and making cups of tea. I have far more important things to be getting on with - and if not, that is my time with DH and Laura. She's mainly hard work in the sense that she is ALWAYS gossiping, about people I kind of know, or used to know well. All the juiciest most gory stories she can come up with. And I couldn't give a flying fajita. She talks non stop too so it doesn't register with her that noone is interested. I invited her to one new year - big mistake as she totally embarassed me with some other friends (hogged two of them for over an hour monologuing them about the war). She hasn't really grown up - still really into techno (I used to be into the dance music scene but tbh I have moved on - she hasn't) and all that goes with it, trying to start a record label, sign DJs etc. etc. I just think, "stop it. You're nearly 40". Oh and they went through a phase of just dropping in on us, the whole family - and staying for a couple of hours, eating into our weekend again.

So there you have the first issue - not really an issue, as despite all this I really care about her (as you do with people you know well, generally) and so will see her now and then, but it's tiring. Unfortunately we moved a ten minute drive from them 3 years ago so it probably looks really bad that I don't call more often.

Now I get an email from her with a big beef about a mutual friend (someone who does really like her! but they seem to have fallen out). In it, all the reasons why she is peeved with her. Oh and some VERY gruesome information about someone we know and how he embarassed himself at T in the Park. I DO NOT want to know this! I find it offensive (the second bit that is) and don't want to respond to that at ALL! She loves to shock. As for the mutual friend bit - don't want to take that on either as I ALWAYS manage to get involved in these things and I have my own life to deal with these days, thank yee very much. How do I reply to her email whilst ignoring the two main paragraphs contained in it?

If you've read this far well done, and thank you!

xxx

[MaisyMay]

It sounds like you've outgrown this friendship. That happened to me in a similar way and I took the decision to end the friendship. Wasn't easy, but the relationship was one sided and left me drained.

As for the email, I would be honest and say how the email made you feel - perhaps she needs to hear that. Be polite and don't attack her or judge her (I'm sure you wouldn't do that), but be firm and don't offer advice.

Then I guess you need to decide what you want from this friendship, if anything.

Sorry, this is probably a crap reply as I'm writing in a rush as I'm supposed to be working!!

[book_lover]

Well, in the last email I sent I said I'd been planning very little due to having my PhD to finish (but also told her we'd have to meet up soon as I have a b-day pressie for her :rolleyes:). Don't know how I would get out of the b-day and Xmas pressie thing really - we always buy for each other, and the kids.

Don't want to end the friendship as such, just be more assertive about how often I see her (which is basically what I have been doing I suppose). But to not feel guilty about it either. They also have this giant dog (an old english sheepdog) which is not trained at all and just creates a whirlwind in our home - annoys both of our dogs so much that one of them barks constantly, and I feel so bad for this poor thing cos they got it due to it being a pedigree (think they thought they could make money from breeding it) but they hardly ever let it in the house because it messes in there. Well they're so mean to her, no wonder she pees when she finally gets inside :-( She just needs some love and attention and she calms down considerably (which is what we've found when we've looked after her for the weekend).

Thought I could just say something about how I don't want to get involved with the fall out - and how the other bit made me feel sick or something - subtle hint so she gets the message?

xxx

[chuckle_monster]

That sounds fine to me Bookie, you need to be honest with subtle hints so that she knows you don't enjoy this kind of gossip. As for her visits I would just stick by your guns and say that you'd love to see her but you're so busy with your work at the moment it might have to go on hold for a while or something.

I'm not sure if I make sense now but then I am still in my PJs and I don't think my brain functions when I'm not wearing proper clothes!!

Good luck!

Chuckle xx

[MaisyMay]

Sounds OK. It sounds like just need to set firm boundaries with this friend and workout what you want and don't want from the friendship. Perhaps she won't like that, but it's important for you from what you're saying. Need to get assertive!!

[scrobble]

I can totally sympathise with you here! I've got a friend who I feel I've outgrown in a similar way to you, except luckily she doesn't get in touch that often. She is just so negative about everything and hasn't changed in the last few years. We've been friends since we were at primary school, but a lot has happened since then, and I really struggle - we used to just chat about anything and everything, but all she now seems to talk about is gossip about people I was at school with and haven't had any contact with for years, and moan about how the world is out to get her.

I see her occasionally in the hope that the 'old' friend will reappear, but it's such a struggle - whatever positive things I say are turned into a negative, e.g. if I get a new job, her reaction is something like 'I bet that's a real struggle with all the extra work'! Argh!!!

I think it would be worth saying that you don't want to get involved and hear about certain things. How about going out together somewhere and doing something so that you've got a great day to reminisce about? It might distract her from some of the other issues she feels are important.

Re the music thing - if she really is into techno etc, what's wrong with that? As long as she's not forcing you to listen to it, it's her life and her taste. I'm still into most of the music I was into when I was 15/16 nearly 12 years on and still really love gory horror, but wouldn't expect my friends to like it, and many have grown out of that sort of thing and see it as a 'phase'.

Hope I haven't offended with the last paragraph - is just how I see it!

Good luck - I hope you work something out, it is a shame to lose someone who was such a good friend, but if you ultimately don't enjoy her company at all any more, maybe the best thing is to gradually tail it off.

[Soreya]

Bookie, I would defo.ignore the 2 paragraphes(sp:huh: ) you don't want to get into and limit contacts.
If she loves to chock whith her shocking stories about others, just show her you are not impressed by a cold silent or a polite reply that says, well'I embarrase myself sometimes and would be mortified if I knew that was repeated by friends''.
She might not like it but bringing you into this is not fair on you.

[Sparkly]

How do I reply to her email whilst ignoring the two main paragraphs contained in it? Just literally don't respond to them in any way. Send a quick one liner about meeting to give her the pressie and arrange any future get togethers outside of your home - either go out together or go to hers so you can leave when you choose. If you MUST invite her to your house, then also invite others to dilute the effect she has on you.

[book_lover]

thanks for all the help girls - all makes perfect sense.

scrobble, nope you haven't offended me at all petal, it's fair enough, you're right. It just gets on my nerves a bit - which is MY problem after all. It's the whole scene she's still into though, and her and her hubby harbour these unrealistic dreams about starting a record label and signing DJs - they even "took on" the lease of a club we used to all frequent in our younger days, and it didn't work out, surprise surprise, as they live in the countryside an hour's drive away and have 2 kids. Who was going to babysit???? Every weekend - Friday and Saturday nights? This is just me being crap I know, but going round to see someone and having to sit there struggling to hear them cos they're playing banging techno - argh! I still like some of the more mellow dance music like Death in Vegas and Groove Armada etc. so not a total frump, by the way!

xxx

[Soreya]

bookie, a friendship is a two ways relationship, if this doesn't bring you anything positive, there s no reason for you to take it...that's the job of family;they are the only one I put up with cos I love and need them no matter what.I am not saying don't see this person again but just limit your time with her if you want to keep in touch but on your terms...whenever you feel like.Don't feel obliged to sit down for hours with her and miss on better things to do for yourself and your family!

[book_lover]

bookie, a friendship is a two ways relationship, if this doesn't bring you anything positive, there s no reason for you to take it...that's the job of family;they are the only one I put up with cos I love and need them no matter what.I am not saying don't see this person again but just limit your time with her if you want to keep in touch but on your terms...whenever you feel like.Don't feel obliged to sit down for hours with her and miss on better things to do for yourself and your family!

:clap:

I need to be more assertive methinks. You know when you are with people who are negative and a bit fierce, you just kind of feel drained at the end - like they've sucked all the good energy out of you!

xxx

[Damsella]

I wouldn't reply to it at all.

[book_lover]

well I haven't yet - hopefully the pause is making her think a wee bit.

xxx

[Julesb]

If what she has to say is of no interest to you then don't respond.

The more you acknowledge her comments then she's only going to keep on doing it.

[Soreya]

If what she has to say is of no interest to you then don't respond.

The more you acknowledge her comments then she's only going to keep on doing it.

Agree, if she has no public to perform for, she ll hopefully quit!

[Sparkly]

Maybe she'll read this and get the message! :teehee: (shouldn't laugh, it's happened to me!)

[book_lover]

I did wonder about that - worry more like!

xxx

[book_lover]

right - well I feel better, have just replied, answered her question about how Mum's wedding went, and said something about Laura (she was asking about first words). I simply didn't draw reference to the other two paragraphs at ALL!

xxx