marriage/divorce conundrum...Is my logic totally skewy?

[Micah]

Not sure whether this should be in weddings but here you go.

When I got married I really really meant it and will consider myself married to Dh whatever happens.

So in my skewed logic a second marriage can't be the same. I can't imagine getting wed for a second time and meaning it in the same way. Don't know whether I'm making myself clear but some small part of me has made those promises and will always stand by them, so how could I make the same promise to someone else? :brainache:

For me, marriage is for life, as that is what I agreed to when I took part in the ceremony.

Anybody been divorced can explain it to me? Or anybody else even vaguely get what I'm on about care to give me an opinion?

[clementinexyz]

Well first of all I have to say that if you are happy with your DH-which from your post you seem to be-there is no reason why you need to be thinking about marrying anyone else surely?

I'm divorced and remarried and I'll see if I can explain the way I felt.

When I married my first husband I was very young. we met when I was 13, moved in together when I was 16, got a mortgage at 18 and married at 19. I loved the bones of him and really wanted to get married. Not because of the big white wedding but because I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. we got married, I had no doubts and were very happy for the first 6 months and started thinking about having a family.

Then something changed, I can't put my finger on exactly what but I just fell out of love with him. I think we both grew and changed in opposite directions. I wanted the freedom I had never had and began to realise he wasn't right for me. I didn't fancy him anymore, I hadn't done for a long time and I went elsewhere for my intellectual stimulation too-just meeting new friends and getting far more out of new relationships than I got out of my relationship with my husband.

I left him, he was not expecting it and it hit him hard. I found it difficult to deal with too but ultimately it was my decision. I vowed i wouldn't get married again because I couldn't understand how i could ever be sure of making the right decision, i had been so sure about getting married I didn't see how i could trust my own judgment again.

9 months later I met my current husband. Within a month I was head over heels in love and it couldn't have been more dofferent to my first realtionship. he is the polar opposite of my first husband, physically and mentally and he is/was exactly what i need/ed. He is the fist person I have met-my family included-who truly understands me. He helped me to understand myself. And the chemistry between us was like I didn't know it was possible to be. In short everything was just totally different. There was no comparison between this relationship and my first which is why I knew I could marry him.

If you are happily married and can't conceive of ever marrying anyone else then you are a very lucky lady and I hope it stays that way for you forever, unfortunately I was not so lucky the first time but hopefully I will be this time.

[Micah]

Thanks for replying :smile:

It's actually DH's second marriage, so I feel the need to think up these philosophies as part of my second wife insecurities :tongue: . DH doesn't have a clue what I'm on about either :lol: .

If I may ask, did you not think you'd made those vows before, and why was it different? Yes I know different bloke and circ etc, but the actual words, mean them more, less? How do you justify making the same set of lifetime promises to two different people?

Sorry am going home now so only short!

[clementinexyz]

I never really thought about it the way you put it micah. I don't justify it as such because I don't have to, I'm happy, DH is happy and we have a secure (most of the time) happy relationship. TBH most of my family were sceptical, my friends, who know me best could see how different the relationship was this time and didn't question the fact that I was re-marrying. The only way i can prove that I've done it right this time is to stick with him for good and my family will realise that I've done the right thing.

In terms of the actual words, we wrote our own vows this time. Previously I just used the formulated vows for a civil ceremony so it wasn't as though I was making the same vows twice. The ceremony itself was totally different, I felt much less nervous, more emotional and happier the whole way through. I even got a bit teary when we said our vows.

I'm actually far more determined to make this one work because I absolutely refuse to have another broken marriage behind me.

[Rowan Tree]

I left my hb 4yrs ago, and the divorce came through 2yrs ago.
I am now with someone else (and have a daughter now with him).
But we aren't married, and I'm not sure I ever want to get married again.

I thought my Hb was THE ONE. I thought I wanted to marry him. I thought we'd be together till we die etc.

But then my feelings changed, and realised it was a mistake. That I didn't want to be married to him. That I wasn't happy, and he wasn't helping me. He didn't love me, nor I him. At least not in the way we had believed. it wasn't working. We wanted different things out of life. Incompatible things that can't be compromised on (like having children or not).

I struggled with the thoughts, and it took me ages (18months) to pluck up the courage and strenght to leave him. When I left however, I was absolutely sure it was the right thing to do. No doubts, no regrets.

But now I am with my new man, and we joke about maybe getting married one day, but I am not sure I could. I would never have got married the last time if I had thought it wouldn't last, and then it didn't, so I was wrong. I changed. he changed. And a tiny part of me wonders if this just might happen again. What if....?

Of course the opposite of that is What the hell!!:ellie: and we might last, and be happy till we die. i am not sure though, so am not rushing into anything. It's not as if I am doubtful about our relationship long term, not really, just scared of marriage I suppose, and how it is harder to get out of than just living together.

Basically I am still :scratchchin: about the whole thing.
sorry i am sure that doesn't help you at all Micah.:oops: :tongue:
Struwelpeta

[gillyf]

Marriage was life for me to. Its what i agreed when i took part in the ceremony. Unfortunately my ex thought that hookers and the office bikes were also part of the deal.

Now happily married to hubbie no2. Who i am happy to say subscribes to the monogomy part of the marriage vows!!!!

I guess what i am trying to say is marriage is about how two people feel about the vows not one.

[Micah]

I guess what i am trying to say is marriage is about how two people feel about the vows not one.

:scratchchin: That gives me something to think about, in a good way, thanks!


Stru, actually that does help, I'm not the only one a bit weirded out!