Are your standards high when it comes to friendships??

[Lois Lane]

That is, are you tolerant of what behaviour you will/won't tolerate from friends???

I ask because I was talking to DH the other day about my lack of real friends. I have internet friends and support group friends that I see once in a while but not the sort I pour my heart out to when I need to. I had a group of long term friends who I'd known for 18 years, we have been through everything together but they were really unpleasant when I got PND and I only see them now when I have to.

More recently I've not fallen out as such but lost contact with another couple of friends over something and I don't have them to speak to either.

DH thinks that perhaps my standards are too high and that I fall out with people too easily because of that. Could he have a point? I kind of feel that, after my experience with my long term friends that life is too short to waste time on some people and I'd rather cut ties. However this leaves me really lonely.

I just feel that I should get the same support and respect from my friends as I give to them and if people can't do that then they aren't worth having as friends.

Does anyone get what I mean or am I talking cack???

Lois xx

[Micah]

I get it.

Don't really fall out with people as such though, I'm just useless at making big efforts to keep in touch.

These days most of the time I am too tired/too much to do to make a huge effort to go see friends etc.

[Julesb]

I understand you completely Lois.
I'd like to think that i'm a very good friend to the people that are close to me and i don't do crap very well, so on the whole i suppose what i'm trying to say is that my standards are high, but there is room for them to slip a little, but not too much.

[bisy backson]

i totally get where you are coming from lois, and its really disappointing when people don't live up to our expectations - i don't know about you but i always feel really let down and disappointed particularly when its supposedly close friends.

but i have to say, over the past few years i've just decided that i will have no expectations of people (particularly family actually) and then if they come through then great, if not then its their loss.

i make a certain effort with friends now, and then if they choose not to respond well bugger them.

hmmm, well maybe that's why i've now got no friends either! :teehee:

bbxx

[Lois Lane]

hmmm, well maybe that's why i've now got no friends either! :teehee:

Shall we start a 'Billy No Mates' club?!!!:lol:

[Moose]

I suppose I do have quite high expectations when it comes to friendships and it can be quite a let down if they don't live up to them. For instance, I have a very close friend, in fact she was a huge influence in me moving to where I live now - about 50 miles away from other friends and family.

I absolutely love her to bits, but boy was I really disappointed last year when I split with my OH. Now, I don't expect people to drop everything and be with me 24/7, but I was lucky if I got a weekly phone call to ask if me and the kids were OK.

Quite often her and her OH would go for a drink on a Saturday night with a few others - did I ever get an invite - :no: . I felt really let down, only because I knew how I would have acted had it been the other way around.

One night, at a family party, and after a few drinks :oops: I told her how I felt a bit let down by her, how I had felt a bit abandoned when I needed her most. She acknowledged the fact that she hadn't been around much, never really had an excuse, she said I could always have tagged along (but I'm not like that and much prefer an invitation), and so we both said our piece that night and still walked out the best of mates.

I suppose I still make a bit more of an effort in our friendship than she does, but that's just the way she is and I would rather have her in my life than not. I know she will always be there for me (but I'd have to ask first :wink: :lol: ).

As for my friends back home - been friends with them since we were 4 (34 years:shock: ). Again, I have one that I mostly contact first, and one who I would be completely lost without. They would have to do something really horrible to me for me to cut them out of my life. Rarely see them, but I know they are always there.

Blimey, reading this you would think I have loads of friends, yet I spend loads of time on my own and rarely go out :lol: .

Moose x

[*Fallen Angel*]

I'll join the billy no mates club then.

Totally understand what you mean Lois. I too, have spoken to my DH about this and he's of a similar opinion as yours. I guess it must be a man thing in that they are far more laid back etc about being mates.

I quite often feel let down but put that down to my high standards. Doesn't hurt any less though.

[Loukes]

I think I am the same. When I was being threatened / harrassed by OH's ex and everything that has happened with OH's child I felt very let down by the people I felt I was closest too.

Funnily enough now the friend I turn to first is one I have never even met.....just speak on net.

Perhaps sometimes it is me being upset too easily but then I think but if I dont feel comfortable talking to these people about things that matter to me then are they "real" friends?????

[Franny]

I have virtually no expectations of friends these days and probably tend to rely on DH a little too much. I do have friends I see now and then, though, for coffees and stuff but they're fairly superficial - more like acquaintances, really. I do find myself telling them little bits and pieces of personal stuff about me but feel uncomfortable doing it, tbh. Prob because I'm not used to it. It's been a long time since I've had that real girly bond. The last friend I had like this I haven't seen for about 3 yrs.

[Micah]

DH is the same though, he lost all his mates when he got divorced....not one of them got in touch to see how he was. So he never actually fell out with them, and will happily chat if they bump into each other, but he never makes the effort to see them anymore.

I agree with BB....if people let me down it's not the end of the world but I won't make the effort next time if it's inconvenient.

Moose..I also require invitations :lol: .

[Moose]

Funnily enough now the friend I turn to first is one I have never even met.....just speak on net.


Yep, me too - I've never met Cat Queen yet I "speak" to her most days and would tell her anything. I've told her more than I have told my friends IRL.

[Lois Lane]

It's sad isn't it? But tbh it's very hard to make new friends as you get older. Some of my family laugh at my 'imaginary' friends on the internet but how else do you make friends when you work hard and have a family to look after??

I felt quite sad at the weekend when I met up with one of my local 'mad mums' and she told me that the rest of the group meet on a weekly basis (which I knew) but that they also meet up with their partners too - but I don't get invited.:-( I know I'm back at work but it's not forever and I do try and make an effort to get in touch with them when I can. I was quite hurt that DH and I had been excluded from their outing - as much for him as me as he's not made any friends in our new area apart from the other dads at my mad mums group.

[*Fallen Angel*]

It's hurtful when you're excluded whether accidentally or not. I'm another invitation ony girl. I'd much rather go somewhere I was invited than tag along and feel as though I wasn't wanted.

[Cat]

I think part of my problem is that I expect people to treat me the way I would treat them and so when they don't I get upset/cross.
I also find I'm always the one who makes an effort to phone people and make arrangements - they always sound keen when I do, but it would be nice to be called once in a while (I then get a bit paranoid and wonder if its cos I'm so awful:oops: )

[Lois Lane]

I also find I'm always the one who makes an effort to phone people and make arrangements -

This is me and my ex best mate (we fell out over my PND and are now tentatively back in touch). Since we've been on speaking terms again (instigated by me) I've been to her house 3 times and she's not offered once to come to us. DH has put his foot down though (and I agree with him) that they should make the next move and come to us as we shouldn't always be the ones tripping 45 mins across counties to visit when they have a perfectly good car.

[Loukes]

Some of my family laugh at my 'imaginary' friends on the internet but how else do you make friends when you work hard and have a family to look after??

My family, friends and colleagues all think its hilarious that I have "imaginary" friends.......but like I said its one of my "imaginary" friends that I will turn to first.

I also wait to be invited rather than invite myself. Me and OH dont have many friends together. And I get annoyed when I hear of my friends having weekends together, going to pub etc and we havent been invited. We dont know some of the people but how can we if we arent invited???

[littlepinkpiglet]

I try not to have too high expectations and to alway assume the best of people. You can get your feelings hurt so easily if you don't. I was guilty in the past of getting upset because of some perceived slight when the other person never knew they'd done anything.

If someone does something now that seems out of character, I assume that something is going on that I don't know about or that they're having a really bad day. I leave them alone for a bit then get back in touch like nothing has happened and leave some room in the conversation for them to explain if they want to.

If it's an ongoing thing though, there has to be a point where you can't just give and give without getting anything back.

I don't get hurt if I found out my friends have met without me, we've agreed that sometimes we want to do different things with different people. We have such different styles within our little group of friends that some activities we just can't do together.... ie Shopping with W is a nightmare as she's soooo slow but I can't go swimming with S as she looks too good and makes me feel fat and ugly :laff: You get the idea.

I try to initiate things too. That way I can't complain about being left out.

[Booh]

Yes

I am very very happy to 'divorce' friends if the friendship becomes one sided, for example me making all the effort. It is hard, as you get older things change and what you need friends for changes, hence you can drift apart and also make friends. However, I have re-become friends with people after a 'seperation' for one reason or another.

DH seems to have loads of friends - but thats just him!

If you go ahead and become a childminder, and intergrate yourself in the 'local' scene you should make some really nice friends - and you will need it! Otherwise you will go loopy being stuck at home with children all day!

[Lois Lane]

That's my intention Booh. I've had contact from my local minder as she's been assigned to help me through the application process and the local childminder's group meets just round the corner from my house (walking distance) so once I'm on mat leave I'll be getting out to meet them.

[Booh]

Good Luck Lois! (Just a word or warning the local group isn't the most friendly, but don't be afraid to go to other 'local' ones and make friends with other cm's who don't do to the local group!) And get out to toddler groups - there are some really nice ones near you!

I met some really nice friends at the pre briefing and also at college! So keep a look out!

[Cherrypie]

I find I too get let down by folk I consider as friends. I get worried that I have misread the situation, and maybe the friendship isn't as important to them as it is to me.
But I do think that friendship has to be worked at - in the same way a marriage can't be left to just potter along.
What is this 'behaviour' that you feel you can't tolerate from your friends, Lois?

[Velvet Chain]

I have an impossible time with friends - I have two that I would consider to be close and they live on opposite sides of the world to me at the moment - I have Damsels and that is it.

Until I got married I had a group of friends and we'd been together since the age of 11.....but they fell out with me over my choice of husband and said some things to me that I will never forgive, but I miss them and I miss having someone to have a laugh with. I couldn't contact them though as I know how they feel about me and my lovely husband so as far as I am concerned they don't exist.......I am so hard hearted when crossed.

VC

[clementinexyz]

I think it's much more important to have really good friends rather than lots of average friends. I probably have 1 or 2 people who I know I could really depend on for absolutely anything.

Besides them I have a few other friends who I keep in touch with out of politeness. We have history but if I was braver I would just lose contact with them because I don't think they are great friends and have ven done things to me like told lies or spread rumours. i definitely tolerat too much from them and I don't know why. I find it a chore to keep in touch with them and I wish I didn't feel I *had* to keep in touch. Frankly I get more fulfilment out of my relatonships with forum friends.

So I think you're better off with only friends who you know you can really rely on Lois. Sometimes it's useful to have friends just to meet for a coffee occasionally but usually IMHO it's more hassle than it's worth. I just wish I was brave enough to cut ties with the people who I feel drain on my time, unfortunately one of them is my SIL so I can't get rid of her. She's a bit:loco:

[bisy backson]

i agree with everything lpp said as well.

for me, DH is the friend i rely on and have high expectations of, and so far he has never let me down :lurve: i do have one girly friend who i met in the first week we moved over here, and we've been close pretty much ever since except for around 6 months while she was planning her wedding. i see her maybe 2 or 3 times a month now rather than a couple of times a week, but we both recognise that its quality not quantity, and when we do meet up it tends to be the whole day, or staying over or weekend breaks which helps.

my other friends are definitely more like acquaintances i think, and it helps to think of them like that - i see them when its convenient for both parties (most of them i met through one type of mums group or another, or previous jobs) and the main problem is we all work different days, and aren't really close enough friends to see each other at weekends. we all recognise that having small children makes our availablility unpredictable as well, so we don't hold cancelling at the last minute against each other.

when we do see each other its very pleasant, but my life doesn't fall down if we go a while without meeting.

for me, the days of bessie buddies are defnitely over as that's what i have mr b for now, (other than my imaginary damsel mates who i don't know what i'd do without!) which i guess goes some way to explaining why i don't expect much of them.

ramble ramble

bbxx

[Dink]

Most people fall into either the category of making friends easily (and having many friends) or having a few close friends (and usually these friendships developed over time). I am the latter and have always had 1-2 close friends. At work I'm different and usually have friendships with people, but as we never socialize outside of work I consider it more of a friendship (not that we wouldn't have fun if we did get together, we just see each other often enough). In my old age :old: I find I'm having more casual friendships (usually work-related) but no close friends. There is one person I could be friends with forever because she's so funky and I've been crap at keeping in touch. :sigh: I've been meaning to send her an email for ages.

[Lois Lane]

I really miss my close friends (the ones I've had for years and years) and sadly, whilst I agree with Cherrypie that you have to work at friendship, I think those friendships have been damaged beyond repair as they left me to flounder at my most vulnerable, despite the years I'd put in for them (I got my best friend through anorexia, another friend used our house as a refuge from her abusive Dad and another when her twin brother was having schizophrenic episodes and smashing up their house etc)

I guess it's 'fairweather' friendships that annoy me - they will only be around so long as everything is going well and don't want to know if you are having problems. Does that make sense??

[racqy-rooster]

I am the kind of person that would love to have lots of friends, always have something going on, but that is never going to be me, due to work commitments and a dh that works permanent 2-10, therefore having noone to have Ellis for me.

I got married 3 years ago and had at the time my best friend as my bridesmaid, I then fell pregnant, and from that day on, she basically could not be arsed with me. She was single, and obviously thought because I was up the duff I was no longer able to socialise and have a laugh.

I have not spoken to her in over over a year and a half and to be hinest I do not miss her. It has even got to the stage if I see her on a night out, I pretend that I have not saw her.

For that reason, it took me a very long time to trust new people I met. But I have to say a girl I met via a Pampers website and lives up the road from me has become one of my closest friends. I know that I can talk to her whenever I need to.

I get very jealous of peoples friendships, and sad to say of the ones on here as well. I just feel that maybe people find it difficult to click with me. But I know that I can have a laugh, be fun and always lend an ear.

I believe that maybe things as text messaging and emails have hindered friendships. What happened to the days when you would telephone a mate just for a general chin wag.

I have found the easiest way to make friendship is via the Netmums site, I have spoken to a few woman, and even met up with them. Don't get me wrong there have been some and we have just not clicked, but the majority have been great.

[Fantasseee]

Until I got married I had a group of friends and we'd been together since the age of 11.....but they fell out with me over my choice of husband and said some things to me that I will never forgive, but I miss them and I miss having someone to have a laugh with. I couldn't contact them though as I know how they feel about me and my lovely husband so as far as I am concerned they don't exist.......I am so hard hearted when crossed.

VC

Gosh, why would they harbour those resentments now seeing that they have been proved wrong and youre husband is obviously a good bloke in that youre still with him and love him very much? Seems a ludicrous position for them to take.

[Velvet Chain]

Fantasseee, my husband is foreign so obviously he only married me for a British Passport - in their eyes at least. Apparantly there would be no other reason for him to want to marry me and I was desparate to find a husband - all of it is complete cack, I have never wanted to get married and was very happy with my single life until I met him and he was the same.

But it is water under the bridge now - I have been married five years and it has been hard at times but ultimately hubby and I have a good relationship and we work hard at being good parents to our son. He has all his paperwork now and is still married to me - shock, horror. And we are planning to move back abroad later this year (but with the situation in Beirut that may be put off until this time next year!!!)

VC